(this time, it's much less depressive. it just looks like dazai's gone camping a little bit, his bottles, water, some snacks, a lamp, and he writes down biochemistry on the chasm wall, drinks a little, and goes back to his puzzle. drinks a little, starts another -- he told akira he'd really teach him molecular chemistry for mixology purposes, so he's here writing the first challenge as he refuses to think.)
[Thank God, honestly. She didn't know what to expect, considering the last time she and Chuuya found him in a hole in the mountains. She looks even more exhausted than usual around this time of night, the way she's moving her shoulder hinting at some kind of mostly-healed injury, but at least she looks relieved to see him up and moving around.]
What kind of monster do you think I am? It's not for you. It's for Akira.
(SORT OF, he's also not that kind of monster. he's just trying to remember things he hasn't read in years, so he can teach them in practical means. akira has a gift, it'd be stupid not to support it, specially if it gives him access to akira much easier than if he wasn't that often around.)
[She scrunches up her nose. That's so much harder!! Dazai!!!
But fine, she'll grab one of the Mystery Bottles(tm) and sniff it. Enjoy the cat-no-banana face she pulls at the smell, but drinks it anyway. Part of it is just to be companionable with him, part of it is that she'd really just like to stop thinking about everything for just a few hours.]
Ah, just go super easy, okay? This is what gets me somewhere, so you have to pace.
(or, well, don't, he's not your real dad.
the knife he is using to carve out the theories on rock is thrown over his shoulder, a stretch upwards before he finds her lap to rest upon. why is it that the two of us are always miserable together?)
[It tastes even worse than it smells. It feels like her whole throat is convulsing -- it burns! She coughs, covering her mouth with her free hand and letting out a little noise of pain from moving her shoulder too quickly. Still, as soon as she's done coughing, she tries another, much smaller sip, even as her fingers come to rest in his hair as naturally as always.]
Men suck, Dazai-san.
[Just two idiots with depression, hanging out in a cave.]
(oh, dearest. his hand takes her own, an attempt to comfort with some life as he sets it on his chest, as he wills his heart to beat in a slower pace, soothing vibration for both of them. what a way to start this conversation.
when he started complaining men sucked, it hadn't been about chuuya, fyodor, or any men, really, other than himself.)
[Her fingers tighten, just a little, into his shirt. She knows what he's doing, and in spite of herself, she sniffles. For months, it felt like she couldn't manage to dredge up the right emotions to cry. Now it's like they keep cascading and hitting her, over and over, one after another.]
I told you what's bothering me. [Some of it, anyway, as she tries to keep fighting back tears.] Why're you all the way out here?
For the same reason as you. Because men suck, but, ah, mostly me! I suck so bad! I'll be honest, there's poison in those formulas, at least one or two! Ah, not for me, though, it's simply wishful thinking.
(the silliness is not really how he feels. he feels lonely, irritated, his feet itching to go away for a while, come back like he had never left, because emotions are hard. wanting is hard, and the fact he does want something means one thing only - he'll lose it. either way, it's for her benefit that he smiles and is as theatrical as he usually is, because he sees those tears. his spare hand goes to her cheek, as if he tells her it's fine if that's how she needs to go through it, she's safe here.)
Come on, Koto-chan. Do you want to switch? You can have my chest to cry on. I can make it even slower, it's soothing to hear a heartbeat as a grounding technique.
It's not soothing when you tell me you're forcing it for me.
[She's talking about his heartbeat, but maybe the rest of it, too. It's impossible for her to ever know what he's truly thinking at any given moment; all she can do is try, and she's so tired of trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, and getting it horribly wrong.]
(there are many ways that he could respond. he could congratulate her on her blindness, after he's been manipulating her into her own quest for self-worth like he has done to atsushi, and in worse and worse ways, akutagawa. he could simply list all the horrible, terrible things he has ever done, in here, in front of her, and in the past seven years.
he, too, is tired of debating. everything feels so hard, and he's sitting up to grab one of the bottles to take a gulp of it.)
... Do you really want to know what's bothering me? It's really that I suck. I'm a coward, I don't like pain, and I see it so close! Too close! And I'd like nothing more than to leave! No warnings! Nothing! Just, poof, all over again! Ah, because, I truly do suck, Kotone-chan.
[She hums, taking her own, much smaller sip from the bottle she'd commandeered, and squeezes her eyes shut. Another example of not knowing the right thing to say or the right thing to do, huh...? He knows leaving is the wrong thing to do, so scolding him for it isn't going to help. She can't agree with it, either, because she doesn't want him to leave, not just for her own selfish want, but because it would destroy Chuuya, again.]
Maybe you do, then. [Said softly, with the smallest of humorless smiles as her fingers tighten into his shirt, above his heart.] You can't help how you feel, right? Everybody can tell you it's wrong, or it's not the right way to feel, but in the end... it's just you, huh?
[She sniffles again and closes her eyes, trying not to completely break down.]
(he's always been destroying chuuya. right now, nothing he would want more. he's terrified of the man, terrified of fyodor, hell, god only knows how these things hinder him, pull him back, and make him sabotage his own happiness. if it's from dazai's own hand, then, who cares, he knew all along either way. if it happens, it sears into his brain in ways he can never forget or forgive.)
I've never cared about what is right or wrong, Koto-chan. It means absolutely nothing to me at all.
(he cares about what works to reach a goal - and right now, his goal is to not suffer. hence, why, drinking is so awfully effective. he should probably stop eventually, but eventually isn't now.)
[So, not worse, but not better. Just the same, which is neither good nor bad. She clicks her bottle gently against his in a sad little wordless cheers before taking another sip and making a face at it. Horrible. How disappointed would Ken and Shinji be to see her like this?]
You know what'll happen if you leave. What happens if you do the harder thing and stay?
If you came to see me in this place, where you know it's not my happy one, and thought I had make-someone-better powers today, I have no idea what to tell you!
(is he teaching her horrible coping skills? yes. they're here, miserable, downing booze, like two losers, hiding - but, hey-- no hey. he sucks, see?)
What, Chuuya'll be upset? He's used to it, Koto-chan. The agreement we worked so hard to achieve between the three different factions we have here might collapse, sure, but they're all adults, right? You'll be upset, too.
[She rolls her eyes and bonks the bottle gently against his forehead. Dazai, please. She knew that already. He'd done his best over their messages before, she doesn't need the dramatics about woe-is-me-I'm-in-a-sad-cave.]
You'll suffer if you leave, too. [Bluntly. She might not know the full depth of it all, but she knows that even if it feels freeing to start with, he'll regret it.] Different pain, maybe, but you're not gonna feel better forever if you just disappear.
(bonk!! how awful, he shows her his tongue in childish matter, because he's a grown-up, listen to him well!!)
Per... Haps. But it is my choice, isn't it? Choice matters. I'd feel worse if I wanted something, had it, and had it taken away from me. This way, I chose to suffer, not to prolong suffering. It's fine if you don't understand, I wouldn't blame you, but it is how things always work around me.
(WHY is he giving her his stupid speech. time to shut up, most likely.)
Ah, I'm getting awfully talkative. I think I'll probably sleep here for tonight, by the way. You're free to stay, too, but it's fine if you don't!
[Ah, there's the truth of it. She buys herself time to think by drinking, not moving her hand from his chest but drumming her fingers gently against it, just so he can feel the rhythm of another person.]
Things work like that around me, too, [she says finally, coughing a little from the alcohol and shaking her head as if to ward off the inevitable fuzziness that's bound to start setting in.] I decided... it's better to enjoy the having, even if it doesn't last. That's why, even if Aragaki-senpai doesn't want to be around me, I can still be happy about the time we did spend together.
That's part of memento mori, isn't it? Enjoy the time you have, 'cause it's fleeting.
Oh. So this is about him. Did you tell him about that thing you asked me if it was a good idea to tell him?
(he can't relate. his brain works differently, he barely sees himself as a person - a mask, another mask, one more mask, nothingness. nothing is worth pursuing, because the moment he has it, it's lost. odasaku is gone, and dazai holds onto that as a lifeline. ango will never come to their bar again, and if he did, dazai would shoot him without a second thought. he lost so much, being alive for so little, that the mere thought of adding more hope to someone who struggles to hold any is such a mortifying deal.
dazai can't do it.
nothing he will say out loud, but kotone knows enough to understand where he goes. at this point, he just lets his heart do whatever rhythm it prefers. he's so tired that alcohol might feel as hollow an attempt as his entire being.)
Yeah. If he knows he has a future, maybe he'll take better care of himself. Even if it's a future without me in. Maybe 'cause it's a future without me in it.
[Oh no. Wait. She laughs a little helplessly, realizing that she's literally just done exactly what Shinji had done. Tried to put things in order, tried to make sure everyone would be fine, because she knows she won't be around in what's likely the near future. It's not at all funny, but she laughs anyway, a kind of choking sound.]
Give him time, Koto-chan. It's a shock, after all. Imagine if you simply arrive home and never die as you think you yourself will.
(perhaps it's something she hasn't realized. she's so sure herself she'll die, but what if the very next second, she isn't, after all this journey and all these sacrifices?)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
i just needed a little moment, it's all!
no subject
[Time to go exist in Dazai's vicinity, then! Apparently that's how she helps him. Let her get her shoes...]
no subject
no subject
...I'm not solving that.
[Wearily as she drops down near the snacks.]
no subject
(SORT OF, he's also not that kind of monster. he's just trying to remember things he hasn't read in years, so he can teach them in practical means. akira has a gift, it'd be stupid not to support it, specially if it gives him access to akira much easier than if he wasn't that often around.)
no subject
[Snacks... it's just crab. Why is it just crab. Honestly, she could laugh at the absurdity of it all as she takes one and just. Munch.]
Are you having fun?
no subject
(enjoy the challenge, it's a tough one that even dazai has issues with, but it certainly will teach her a better base.)
... It's whatever, this is easy. Go drink your alcoholic beverage and scream things into the darkness!
no subject
But fine, she'll grab one of the Mystery Bottles(tm) and sniff it. Enjoy the cat-no-banana face she pulls at the smell, but drinks it anyway. Part of it is just to be companionable with him, part of it is that she'd really just like to stop thinking about everything for just a few hours.]
no subject
(or, well, don't, he's not your real dad.
the knife he is using to carve out the theories on rock is thrown over his shoulder, a stretch upwards before he finds her lap to rest upon. why is it that the two of us are always miserable together?)
no subject
Men suck, Dazai-san.
[Just two idiots with depression, hanging out in a cave.]
no subject
when he started complaining men sucked, it hadn't been about chuuya, fyodor, or any men, really, other than himself.)
We do. I'm sorry.
no subject
I told you what's bothering me. [Some of it, anyway, as she tries to keep fighting back tears.] Why're you all the way out here?
no subject
(the silliness is not really how he feels. he feels lonely, irritated, his feet itching to go away for a while, come back like he had never left, because emotions are hard. wanting is hard, and the fact he does want something means one thing only - he'll lose it. either way, it's for her benefit that he smiles and is as theatrical as he usually is, because he sees those tears. his spare hand goes to her cheek, as if he tells her it's fine if that's how she needs to go through it, she's safe here.)
Come on, Koto-chan. Do you want to switch? You can have my chest to cry on. I can make it even slower, it's soothing to hear a heartbeat as a grounding technique.
(because this is not robotic at all.)
no subject
[She's talking about his heartbeat, but maybe the rest of it, too. It's impossible for her to ever know what he's truly thinking at any given moment; all she can do is try, and she's so tired of trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, and getting it horribly wrong.]
I don't think you suck.
no subject
(there are many ways that he could respond. he could congratulate her on her blindness, after he's been manipulating her into her own quest for self-worth like he has done to atsushi, and in worse and worse ways, akutagawa. he could simply list all the horrible, terrible things he has ever done, in here, in front of her, and in the past seven years.
he, too, is tired of debating. everything feels so hard, and he's sitting up to grab one of the bottles to take a gulp of it.)
... Do you really want to know what's bothering me? It's really that I suck. I'm a coward, I don't like pain, and I see it so close! Too close! And I'd like nothing more than to leave! No warnings! Nothing! Just, poof, all over again! Ah, because, I truly do suck, Kotone-chan.
no subject
Maybe you do, then. [Said softly, with the smallest of humorless smiles as her fingers tighten into his shirt, above his heart.] You can't help how you feel, right? Everybody can tell you it's wrong, or it's not the right way to feel, but in the end... it's just you, huh?
[She sniffles again and closes her eyes, trying not to completely break down.]
I'm just glad you're here now.
no subject
I've never cared about what is right or wrong, Koto-chan. It means absolutely nothing to me at all.
(he cares about what works to reach a goal - and right now, his goal is to not suffer. hence, why, drinking is so awfully effective. he should probably stop eventually, but eventually isn't now.)
... Did I make you feel worse?
no subject
[So, not worse, but not better. Just the same, which is neither good nor bad. She clicks her bottle gently against his in a sad little wordless cheers before taking another sip and making a face at it. Horrible. How disappointed would Ken and Shinji be to see her like this?]
You know what'll happen if you leave. What happens if you do the harder thing and stay?
no subject
(is he teaching her horrible coping skills? yes. they're here, miserable, downing booze, like two losers, hiding - but, hey-- no hey. he sucks, see?)
What, Chuuya'll be upset? He's used to it, Koto-chan. The agreement we worked so hard to achieve between the three different factions we have here might collapse, sure, but they're all adults, right? You'll be upset, too.
(deflecting.)
... I'll suffer. I don't like pain.
(pussy)
no subject
You'll suffer if you leave, too. [Bluntly. She might not know the full depth of it all, but she knows that even if it feels freeing to start with, he'll regret it.] Different pain, maybe, but you're not gonna feel better forever if you just disappear.
no subject
Per... Haps. But it is my choice, isn't it? Choice matters. I'd feel worse if I wanted something, had it, and had it taken away from me. This way, I chose to suffer, not to prolong suffering. It's fine if you don't understand, I wouldn't blame you, but it is how things always work around me.
(WHY is he giving her his stupid speech. time to shut up, most likely.)
Ah, I'm getting awfully talkative. I think I'll probably sleep here for tonight, by the way. You're free to stay, too, but it's fine if you don't!
no subject
Things work like that around me, too, [she says finally, coughing a little from the alcohol and shaking her head as if to ward off the inevitable fuzziness that's bound to start setting in.] I decided... it's better to enjoy the having, even if it doesn't last. That's why, even if Aragaki-senpai doesn't want to be around me, I can still be happy about the time we did spend together.
That's part of memento mori, isn't it? Enjoy the time you have, 'cause it's fleeting.
cw depression
(he can't relate. his brain works differently, he barely sees himself as a person - a mask, another mask, one more mask, nothingness. nothing is worth pursuing, because the moment he has it, it's lost. odasaku is gone, and dazai holds onto that as a lifeline. ango will never come to their bar again, and if he did, dazai would shoot him without a second thought. he lost so much, being alive for so little, that the mere thought of adding more hope to someone who struggles to hold any is such a mortifying deal.
dazai can't do it.
nothing he will say out loud, but kotone knows enough to understand where he goes. at this point, he just lets his heart do whatever rhythm it prefers. he's so tired that alcohol might feel as hollow an attempt as his entire being.)
no subject
[Oh no. Wait. She laughs a little helplessly, realizing that she's literally just done exactly what Shinji had done. Tried to put things in order, tried to make sure everyone would be fine, because she knows she won't be around in what's likely the near future. It's not at all funny, but she laughs anyway, a kind of choking sound.]
We both suck, huh?
no subject
(perhaps it's something she hasn't realized. she's so sure herself she'll die, but what if the very next second, she isn't, after all this journey and all these sacrifices?)
Who doesn't suck?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)