[She rolls her eyes and bonks the bottle gently against his forehead. Dazai, please. She knew that already. He'd done his best over their messages before, she doesn't need the dramatics about woe-is-me-I'm-in-a-sad-cave.]
You'll suffer if you leave, too. [Bluntly. She might not know the full depth of it all, but she knows that even if it feels freeing to start with, he'll regret it.] Different pain, maybe, but you're not gonna feel better forever if you just disappear.
(bonk!! how awful, he shows her his tongue in childish matter, because he's a grown-up, listen to him well!!)
Per... Haps. But it is my choice, isn't it? Choice matters. I'd feel worse if I wanted something, had it, and had it taken away from me. This way, I chose to suffer, not to prolong suffering. It's fine if you don't understand, I wouldn't blame you, but it is how things always work around me.
(WHY is he giving her his stupid speech. time to shut up, most likely.)
Ah, I'm getting awfully talkative. I think I'll probably sleep here for tonight, by the way. You're free to stay, too, but it's fine if you don't!
[Ah, there's the truth of it. She buys herself time to think by drinking, not moving her hand from his chest but drumming her fingers gently against it, just so he can feel the rhythm of another person.]
Things work like that around me, too, [she says finally, coughing a little from the alcohol and shaking her head as if to ward off the inevitable fuzziness that's bound to start setting in.] I decided... it's better to enjoy the having, even if it doesn't last. That's why, even if Aragaki-senpai doesn't want to be around me, I can still be happy about the time we did spend together.
That's part of memento mori, isn't it? Enjoy the time you have, 'cause it's fleeting.
Oh. So this is about him. Did you tell him about that thing you asked me if it was a good idea to tell him?
(he can't relate. his brain works differently, he barely sees himself as a person - a mask, another mask, one more mask, nothingness. nothing is worth pursuing, because the moment he has it, it's lost. odasaku is gone, and dazai holds onto that as a lifeline. ango will never come to their bar again, and if he did, dazai would shoot him without a second thought. he lost so much, being alive for so little, that the mere thought of adding more hope to someone who struggles to hold any is such a mortifying deal.
dazai can't do it.
nothing he will say out loud, but kotone knows enough to understand where he goes. at this point, he just lets his heart do whatever rhythm it prefers. he's so tired that alcohol might feel as hollow an attempt as his entire being.)
Yeah. If he knows he has a future, maybe he'll take better care of himself. Even if it's a future without me in. Maybe 'cause it's a future without me in it.
[Oh no. Wait. She laughs a little helplessly, realizing that she's literally just done exactly what Shinji had done. Tried to put things in order, tried to make sure everyone would be fine, because she knows she won't be around in what's likely the near future. It's not at all funny, but she laughs anyway, a kind of choking sound.]
Give him time, Koto-chan. It's a shock, after all. Imagine if you simply arrive home and never die as you think you yourself will.
(perhaps it's something she hasn't realized. she's so sure herself she'll die, but what if the very next second, she isn't, after all this journey and all these sacrifices?)
[Put that on a t-shirt. She lets herself have one more sip from the bottle before setting it down and wiggling a little. Let her put her head on your chest like you promised, Dazai, thunking it down maybe a little harder than necessary.]
Just tell me before you go somewhere? [Her voice is small, muffled a little.] Please.
(there we go. dazai's relationships with his mentees are never this soft, this awfully personal that he'd simply let them see him like this. there must be something different, but he isn't quite sure what it is - it hardly matters. his bandaged arms wrap around her, a hand set on a slow caress against red strands.
it's hard for him to agree to something like this, it's never been his m.o.. much easier it is to walk away, let people grieve, but due to the fact that herself and chuuya were concerned about whether he had been breathing, it might be for the best settle.)
[She closes her eyes, the world swimming around her a little from the force she'd hit her head against his chest. Probably she'll never see the appeal of drinking like Dazai does -- it tastes awful, and makes her head feel funny, and it's not even fun like this.]
It's okay to want things. Even if you can't have them forever, it's nice to have for now.
It's impossible for me to see things this way, Koto-chan, but it's nice that you think that way. It's a nice thought.
(he's lost before, it's a lost fight that he doesn't even want to begin. he's always been too frightened. with an intelligence like his, no outcome makes sense, not when he sees himself losing all over again. just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world one can see.)
(that's a better question. she feels comfortable against him, though, and his hands caress her back to comfort her back. they're a mess, aren't they? like teacher, like student.)
... You know, Koto-chan? Chuuya and I are... Sort of something. I'm sure you knew that. At this point, denying it is simply out of habit.
[Just- yeah. She doesn't laugh at least, but this isn't some kind of grand revelation. She'd suspected from the first time they're really talked about him, after all, which had only solidified the more time she'd spent with both of them.]
Ah, we're not at all good for each other, Koto-chan. We can attribute that to the fact I'm not good at being human, or the other hundreds of problems we have that you don't see at a surface-level. It'll end terribly, and the fact he's not the only one I'm currently in the same conundrum with makes it all the more tempting to simply dig a hole and stay there forever.
[She's listening, she really is, but she's also furrowing her brow as if he's saying nonsense. It's a little hard to focus on the root of the matter, alcohol slowing her thoughts to moving through syrup as she thinks about it.
And then there's another person? Complicated. She'd guess Dazai is sleeping with whoever the other person is as well as Chuuya and half the town already, but. One problem at a time. She purses her lips thoughtfully and just asks,]
(funnily enough, it's someone dazai is NOT sleeping with, isn't that particularly funny? to care so much about one's feelings that he's allowing fyodor time and space? alas, either way, that question makes his face go through a range of emotions - denial, confusion, irritation.)
[She pushes herself back up onto her arms to get a better look at his face, even as her vision swims a little from the sudden movement. Her face is a weird mixture of annoyance and incredulity, because even he must know how that sounds, right?]
That's how relationships work. You're giving up before anything even happens, just in case it doesn't work out. Even if it doesn't, you really think Chuuya will leave you?
[Dazai knows better than she does how loyal he is. If Dazai leaving before hadn't been enough, why would something like a failed romance drive him away? C'mon, buddy, you're supposed to be super smart or something.]
You're just taking away his own ability to choose 'cause you're scared.
(no, no, the face is mostly because she asked him to give chuuya a chance in this whole thing. he's a control freak, has she not noticed that? he doesn't care how he sounds.)
Oh, no, I don't think Chuuya would ever leave me.
(because if he could, he would have a long time ago, but leaving and abandoning is not in his book, that's in dazai's.)
Well, duh? Absolutely? All the time? Do you see how this relationship is not great!
[She just makes a disgruntled noise. Honestly, whenever she thinks she has problems, she just has to talk to Dazai to remind herself that at least she's not as bad.]
You should talk to him. Or, you know, do your mind-reading thing you guys always do.
Talk?! Koto-chan, you're getting the weirdest drunk ideas. We never talked in all these years, and the mind-reading isn't that perfect! I'll just move here, he'll come, and I'll put him in a box forever!
(he IS stupid, thank you for noticing?)
Fyodor's easier than this, but also, ah, to be interested in a terrorist! Ah, see, my taste in men, I told you, women are best.
[Oh, your taste sucks, Dazai! She doesn't go so far as to say it, but it's so obvious in her voice. Chuuya, okay, he's a sweet guy under a loud exterior, but Fyodor? Jury's still out on that one.
One problem at a time, and she's still more loyal to Chuuya, so-]
If you've never talked honestly before, maybe it'll go better than you think! And if it sucks, you'll just want to go hide in the cave again, so nothing will change!
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You'll suffer if you leave, too. [Bluntly. She might not know the full depth of it all, but she knows that even if it feels freeing to start with, he'll regret it.] Different pain, maybe, but you're not gonna feel better forever if you just disappear.
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Per... Haps. But it is my choice, isn't it? Choice matters. I'd feel worse if I wanted something, had it, and had it taken away from me. This way, I chose to suffer, not to prolong suffering. It's fine if you don't understand, I wouldn't blame you, but it is how things always work around me.
(WHY is he giving her his stupid speech. time to shut up, most likely.)
Ah, I'm getting awfully talkative. I think I'll probably sleep here for tonight, by the way. You're free to stay, too, but it's fine if you don't!
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Things work like that around me, too, [she says finally, coughing a little from the alcohol and shaking her head as if to ward off the inevitable fuzziness that's bound to start setting in.] I decided... it's better to enjoy the having, even if it doesn't last. That's why, even if Aragaki-senpai doesn't want to be around me, I can still be happy about the time we did spend together.
That's part of memento mori, isn't it? Enjoy the time you have, 'cause it's fleeting.
cw depression
(he can't relate. his brain works differently, he barely sees himself as a person - a mask, another mask, one more mask, nothingness. nothing is worth pursuing, because the moment he has it, it's lost. odasaku is gone, and dazai holds onto that as a lifeline. ango will never come to their bar again, and if he did, dazai would shoot him without a second thought. he lost so much, being alive for so little, that the mere thought of adding more hope to someone who struggles to hold any is such a mortifying deal.
dazai can't do it.
nothing he will say out loud, but kotone knows enough to understand where he goes. at this point, he just lets his heart do whatever rhythm it prefers. he's so tired that alcohol might feel as hollow an attempt as his entire being.)
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[Oh no. Wait. She laughs a little helplessly, realizing that she's literally just done exactly what Shinji had done. Tried to put things in order, tried to make sure everyone would be fine, because she knows she won't be around in what's likely the near future. It's not at all funny, but she laughs anyway, a kind of choking sound.]
We both suck, huh?
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(perhaps it's something she hasn't realized. she's so sure herself she'll die, but what if the very next second, she isn't, after all this journey and all these sacrifices?)
Who doesn't suck?
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[Put that on a t-shirt. She lets herself have one more sip from the bottle before setting it down and wiggling a little. Let her put her head on your chest like you promised, Dazai, thunking it down maybe a little harder than necessary.]
Just tell me before you go somewhere? [Her voice is small, muffled a little.] Please.
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it's hard for him to agree to something like this, it's never been his m.o.. much easier it is to walk away, let people grieve, but due to the fact that herself and chuuya were concerned about whether he had been breathing, it might be for the best settle.)
I'll do that.
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It's okay to want things. Even if you can't have them forever, it's nice to have for now.
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(he's lost before, it's a lost fight that he doesn't even want to begin. he's always been too frightened. with an intelligence like his, no outcome makes sense, not when he sees himself losing all over again. just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world one can see.)
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What're you afraid of losing?
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(that's a better question. she feels comfortable against him, though, and his hands caress her back to comfort her back. they're a mess, aren't they? like teacher, like student.)
... You know, Koto-chan? Chuuya and I are... Sort of something. I'm sure you knew that. At this point, denying it is simply out of habit.
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[Just- yeah. She doesn't laugh at least, but this isn't some kind of grand revelation. She'd suspected from the first time they're really talked about him, after all, which had only solidified the more time she'd spent with both of them.]
What makes you think you'd lose him?
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... I just can't go through that again, you see.
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And then there's another person? Complicated. She'd guess Dazai is sleeping with whoever the other person is as well as Chuuya and half the town already, but. One problem at a time. She purses her lips thoughtfully and just asks,]
Doesn't Chuuya get a say in any of this?
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... Why would he? Since when should he?
(dazai SUCKS.)
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That's how relationships work. You're giving up before anything even happens, just in case it doesn't work out. Even if it doesn't, you really think Chuuya will leave you?
[Dazai knows better than she does how loyal he is. If Dazai leaving before hadn't been enough, why would something like a failed romance drive him away? C'mon, buddy, you're supposed to be super smart or something.]
You're just taking away his own ability to choose 'cause you're scared.
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Oh, no, I don't think Chuuya would ever leave me.
(because if he could, he would have a long time ago, but leaving and abandoning is not in his book, that's in dazai's.)
Well, duh? Absolutely? All the time? Do you see how this relationship is not great!
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Even if it sucks, he should still get to decide if it's something he wants! Maybe he likes you 'cause you suck!
[Wait. She snorts, then giggles, then makes another face.]
Noooo, wait I don't want to know. Please don't tell me.
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(wait-- OH. NOW HE'S GIGGLING TOO.)
I wouldn't tell you so many details, it's not something you have to worry about!! That's probably not it, though!!
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[Come on! She pouts at him from her position hovering over his chest. How is he so smart and yet so stupid at the same time.
Then she just plops down and rests on his chest again with a groan.]
You're dumb.
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his hug at least doesn't waver.)
Yep! I'd totally just toss Chuuya off a bridge, but he'd just float back and kick my ass.
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You should talk to him. Or, you know, do your mind-reading thing you guys always do.
[Uuuggghhhhh he's so stupid.]
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(he IS stupid, thank you for noticing?)
Fyodor's easier than this, but also, ah, to be interested in a terrorist! Ah, see, my taste in men, I told you, women are best.
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[Oh, your taste sucks, Dazai! She doesn't go so far as to say it, but it's so obvious in her voice. Chuuya, okay, he's a sweet guy under a loud exterior, but Fyodor? Jury's still out on that one.
One problem at a time, and she's still more loyal to Chuuya, so-]
If you've never talked honestly before, maybe it'll go better than you think! And if it sucks, you'll just want to go hide in the cave again, so nothing will change!