(oh, dearest. his hand takes her own, an attempt to comfort with some life as he sets it on his chest, as he wills his heart to beat in a slower pace, soothing vibration for both of them. what a way to start this conversation.
when he started complaining men sucked, it hadn't been about chuuya, fyodor, or any men, really, other than himself.)
[Her fingers tighten, just a little, into his shirt. She knows what he's doing, and in spite of herself, she sniffles. For months, it felt like she couldn't manage to dredge up the right emotions to cry. Now it's like they keep cascading and hitting her, over and over, one after another.]
I told you what's bothering me. [Some of it, anyway, as she tries to keep fighting back tears.] Why're you all the way out here?
For the same reason as you. Because men suck, but, ah, mostly me! I suck so bad! I'll be honest, there's poison in those formulas, at least one or two! Ah, not for me, though, it's simply wishful thinking.
(the silliness is not really how he feels. he feels lonely, irritated, his feet itching to go away for a while, come back like he had never left, because emotions are hard. wanting is hard, and the fact he does want something means one thing only - he'll lose it. either way, it's for her benefit that he smiles and is as theatrical as he usually is, because he sees those tears. his spare hand goes to her cheek, as if he tells her it's fine if that's how she needs to go through it, she's safe here.)
Come on, Koto-chan. Do you want to switch? You can have my chest to cry on. I can make it even slower, it's soothing to hear a heartbeat as a grounding technique.
It's not soothing when you tell me you're forcing it for me.
[She's talking about his heartbeat, but maybe the rest of it, too. It's impossible for her to ever know what he's truly thinking at any given moment; all she can do is try, and she's so tired of trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, and getting it horribly wrong.]
(there are many ways that he could respond. he could congratulate her on her blindness, after he's been manipulating her into her own quest for self-worth like he has done to atsushi, and in worse and worse ways, akutagawa. he could simply list all the horrible, terrible things he has ever done, in here, in front of her, and in the past seven years.
he, too, is tired of debating. everything feels so hard, and he's sitting up to grab one of the bottles to take a gulp of it.)
... Do you really want to know what's bothering me? It's really that I suck. I'm a coward, I don't like pain, and I see it so close! Too close! And I'd like nothing more than to leave! No warnings! Nothing! Just, poof, all over again! Ah, because, I truly do suck, Kotone-chan.
[She hums, taking her own, much smaller sip from the bottle she'd commandeered, and squeezes her eyes shut. Another example of not knowing the right thing to say or the right thing to do, huh...? He knows leaving is the wrong thing to do, so scolding him for it isn't going to help. She can't agree with it, either, because she doesn't want him to leave, not just for her own selfish want, but because it would destroy Chuuya, again.]
Maybe you do, then. [Said softly, with the smallest of humorless smiles as her fingers tighten into his shirt, above his heart.] You can't help how you feel, right? Everybody can tell you it's wrong, or it's not the right way to feel, but in the end... it's just you, huh?
[She sniffles again and closes her eyes, trying not to completely break down.]
(he's always been destroying chuuya. right now, nothing he would want more. he's terrified of the man, terrified of fyodor, hell, god only knows how these things hinder him, pull him back, and make him sabotage his own happiness. if it's from dazai's own hand, then, who cares, he knew all along either way. if it happens, it sears into his brain in ways he can never forget or forgive.)
I've never cared about what is right or wrong, Koto-chan. It means absolutely nothing to me at all.
(he cares about what works to reach a goal - and right now, his goal is to not suffer. hence, why, drinking is so awfully effective. he should probably stop eventually, but eventually isn't now.)
[So, not worse, but not better. Just the same, which is neither good nor bad. She clicks her bottle gently against his in a sad little wordless cheers before taking another sip and making a face at it. Horrible. How disappointed would Ken and Shinji be to see her like this?]
You know what'll happen if you leave. What happens if you do the harder thing and stay?
If you came to see me in this place, where you know it's not my happy one, and thought I had make-someone-better powers today, I have no idea what to tell you!
(is he teaching her horrible coping skills? yes. they're here, miserable, downing booze, like two losers, hiding - but, hey-- no hey. he sucks, see?)
What, Chuuya'll be upset? He's used to it, Koto-chan. The agreement we worked so hard to achieve between the three different factions we have here might collapse, sure, but they're all adults, right? You'll be upset, too.
[She rolls her eyes and bonks the bottle gently against his forehead. Dazai, please. She knew that already. He'd done his best over their messages before, she doesn't need the dramatics about woe-is-me-I'm-in-a-sad-cave.]
You'll suffer if you leave, too. [Bluntly. She might not know the full depth of it all, but she knows that even if it feels freeing to start with, he'll regret it.] Different pain, maybe, but you're not gonna feel better forever if you just disappear.
(bonk!! how awful, he shows her his tongue in childish matter, because he's a grown-up, listen to him well!!)
Per... Haps. But it is my choice, isn't it? Choice matters. I'd feel worse if I wanted something, had it, and had it taken away from me. This way, I chose to suffer, not to prolong suffering. It's fine if you don't understand, I wouldn't blame you, but it is how things always work around me.
(WHY is he giving her his stupid speech. time to shut up, most likely.)
Ah, I'm getting awfully talkative. I think I'll probably sleep here for tonight, by the way. You're free to stay, too, but it's fine if you don't!
[Ah, there's the truth of it. She buys herself time to think by drinking, not moving her hand from his chest but drumming her fingers gently against it, just so he can feel the rhythm of another person.]
Things work like that around me, too, [she says finally, coughing a little from the alcohol and shaking her head as if to ward off the inevitable fuzziness that's bound to start setting in.] I decided... it's better to enjoy the having, even if it doesn't last. That's why, even if Aragaki-senpai doesn't want to be around me, I can still be happy about the time we did spend together.
That's part of memento mori, isn't it? Enjoy the time you have, 'cause it's fleeting.
Oh. So this is about him. Did you tell him about that thing you asked me if it was a good idea to tell him?
(he can't relate. his brain works differently, he barely sees himself as a person - a mask, another mask, one more mask, nothingness. nothing is worth pursuing, because the moment he has it, it's lost. odasaku is gone, and dazai holds onto that as a lifeline. ango will never come to their bar again, and if he did, dazai would shoot him without a second thought. he lost so much, being alive for so little, that the mere thought of adding more hope to someone who struggles to hold any is such a mortifying deal.
dazai can't do it.
nothing he will say out loud, but kotone knows enough to understand where he goes. at this point, he just lets his heart do whatever rhythm it prefers. he's so tired that alcohol might feel as hollow an attempt as his entire being.)
Yeah. If he knows he has a future, maybe he'll take better care of himself. Even if it's a future without me in. Maybe 'cause it's a future without me in it.
[Oh no. Wait. She laughs a little helplessly, realizing that she's literally just done exactly what Shinji had done. Tried to put things in order, tried to make sure everyone would be fine, because she knows she won't be around in what's likely the near future. It's not at all funny, but she laughs anyway, a kind of choking sound.]
Give him time, Koto-chan. It's a shock, after all. Imagine if you simply arrive home and never die as you think you yourself will.
(perhaps it's something she hasn't realized. she's so sure herself she'll die, but what if the very next second, she isn't, after all this journey and all these sacrifices?)
[Put that on a t-shirt. She lets herself have one more sip from the bottle before setting it down and wiggling a little. Let her put her head on your chest like you promised, Dazai, thunking it down maybe a little harder than necessary.]
Just tell me before you go somewhere? [Her voice is small, muffled a little.] Please.
(there we go. dazai's relationships with his mentees are never this soft, this awfully personal that he'd simply let them see him like this. there must be something different, but he isn't quite sure what it is - it hardly matters. his bandaged arms wrap around her, a hand set on a slow caress against red strands.
it's hard for him to agree to something like this, it's never been his m.o.. much easier it is to walk away, let people grieve, but due to the fact that herself and chuuya were concerned about whether he had been breathing, it might be for the best settle.)
[She closes her eyes, the world swimming around her a little from the force she'd hit her head against his chest. Probably she'll never see the appeal of drinking like Dazai does -- it tastes awful, and makes her head feel funny, and it's not even fun like this.]
It's okay to want things. Even if you can't have them forever, it's nice to have for now.
It's impossible for me to see things this way, Koto-chan, but it's nice that you think that way. It's a nice thought.
(he's lost before, it's a lost fight that he doesn't even want to begin. he's always been too frightened. with an intelligence like his, no outcome makes sense, not when he sees himself losing all over again. just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world one can see.)
(that's a better question. she feels comfortable against him, though, and his hands caress her back to comfort her back. they're a mess, aren't they? like teacher, like student.)
... You know, Koto-chan? Chuuya and I are... Sort of something. I'm sure you knew that. At this point, denying it is simply out of habit.
[Just- yeah. She doesn't laugh at least, but this isn't some kind of grand revelation. She'd suspected from the first time they're really talked about him, after all, which had only solidified the more time she'd spent with both of them.]
Ah, we're not at all good for each other, Koto-chan. We can attribute that to the fact I'm not good at being human, or the other hundreds of problems we have that you don't see at a surface-level. It'll end terribly, and the fact he's not the only one I'm currently in the same conundrum with makes it all the more tempting to simply dig a hole and stay there forever.
[She's listening, she really is, but she's also furrowing her brow as if he's saying nonsense. It's a little hard to focus on the root of the matter, alcohol slowing her thoughts to moving through syrup as she thinks about it.
And then there's another person? Complicated. She'd guess Dazai is sleeping with whoever the other person is as well as Chuuya and half the town already, but. One problem at a time. She purses her lips thoughtfully and just asks,]
(funnily enough, it's someone dazai is NOT sleeping with, isn't that particularly funny? to care so much about one's feelings that he's allowing fyodor time and space? alas, either way, that question makes his face go through a range of emotions - denial, confusion, irritation.)
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when he started complaining men sucked, it hadn't been about chuuya, fyodor, or any men, really, other than himself.)
We do. I'm sorry.
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I told you what's bothering me. [Some of it, anyway, as she tries to keep fighting back tears.] Why're you all the way out here?
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(the silliness is not really how he feels. he feels lonely, irritated, his feet itching to go away for a while, come back like he had never left, because emotions are hard. wanting is hard, and the fact he does want something means one thing only - he'll lose it. either way, it's for her benefit that he smiles and is as theatrical as he usually is, because he sees those tears. his spare hand goes to her cheek, as if he tells her it's fine if that's how she needs to go through it, she's safe here.)
Come on, Koto-chan. Do you want to switch? You can have my chest to cry on. I can make it even slower, it's soothing to hear a heartbeat as a grounding technique.
(because this is not robotic at all.)
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[She's talking about his heartbeat, but maybe the rest of it, too. It's impossible for her to ever know what he's truly thinking at any given moment; all she can do is try, and she's so tired of trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, and getting it horribly wrong.]
I don't think you suck.
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(there are many ways that he could respond. he could congratulate her on her blindness, after he's been manipulating her into her own quest for self-worth like he has done to atsushi, and in worse and worse ways, akutagawa. he could simply list all the horrible, terrible things he has ever done, in here, in front of her, and in the past seven years.
he, too, is tired of debating. everything feels so hard, and he's sitting up to grab one of the bottles to take a gulp of it.)
... Do you really want to know what's bothering me? It's really that I suck. I'm a coward, I don't like pain, and I see it so close! Too close! And I'd like nothing more than to leave! No warnings! Nothing! Just, poof, all over again! Ah, because, I truly do suck, Kotone-chan.
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Maybe you do, then. [Said softly, with the smallest of humorless smiles as her fingers tighten into his shirt, above his heart.] You can't help how you feel, right? Everybody can tell you it's wrong, or it's not the right way to feel, but in the end... it's just you, huh?
[She sniffles again and closes her eyes, trying not to completely break down.]
I'm just glad you're here now.
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I've never cared about what is right or wrong, Koto-chan. It means absolutely nothing to me at all.
(he cares about what works to reach a goal - and right now, his goal is to not suffer. hence, why, drinking is so awfully effective. he should probably stop eventually, but eventually isn't now.)
... Did I make you feel worse?
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[So, not worse, but not better. Just the same, which is neither good nor bad. She clicks her bottle gently against his in a sad little wordless cheers before taking another sip and making a face at it. Horrible. How disappointed would Ken and Shinji be to see her like this?]
You know what'll happen if you leave. What happens if you do the harder thing and stay?
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(is he teaching her horrible coping skills? yes. they're here, miserable, downing booze, like two losers, hiding - but, hey-- no hey. he sucks, see?)
What, Chuuya'll be upset? He's used to it, Koto-chan. The agreement we worked so hard to achieve between the three different factions we have here might collapse, sure, but they're all adults, right? You'll be upset, too.
(deflecting.)
... I'll suffer. I don't like pain.
(pussy)
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You'll suffer if you leave, too. [Bluntly. She might not know the full depth of it all, but she knows that even if it feels freeing to start with, he'll regret it.] Different pain, maybe, but you're not gonna feel better forever if you just disappear.
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Per... Haps. But it is my choice, isn't it? Choice matters. I'd feel worse if I wanted something, had it, and had it taken away from me. This way, I chose to suffer, not to prolong suffering. It's fine if you don't understand, I wouldn't blame you, but it is how things always work around me.
(WHY is he giving her his stupid speech. time to shut up, most likely.)
Ah, I'm getting awfully talkative. I think I'll probably sleep here for tonight, by the way. You're free to stay, too, but it's fine if you don't!
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Things work like that around me, too, [she says finally, coughing a little from the alcohol and shaking her head as if to ward off the inevitable fuzziness that's bound to start setting in.] I decided... it's better to enjoy the having, even if it doesn't last. That's why, even if Aragaki-senpai doesn't want to be around me, I can still be happy about the time we did spend together.
That's part of memento mori, isn't it? Enjoy the time you have, 'cause it's fleeting.
cw depression
(he can't relate. his brain works differently, he barely sees himself as a person - a mask, another mask, one more mask, nothingness. nothing is worth pursuing, because the moment he has it, it's lost. odasaku is gone, and dazai holds onto that as a lifeline. ango will never come to their bar again, and if he did, dazai would shoot him without a second thought. he lost so much, being alive for so little, that the mere thought of adding more hope to someone who struggles to hold any is such a mortifying deal.
dazai can't do it.
nothing he will say out loud, but kotone knows enough to understand where he goes. at this point, he just lets his heart do whatever rhythm it prefers. he's so tired that alcohol might feel as hollow an attempt as his entire being.)
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[Oh no. Wait. She laughs a little helplessly, realizing that she's literally just done exactly what Shinji had done. Tried to put things in order, tried to make sure everyone would be fine, because she knows she won't be around in what's likely the near future. It's not at all funny, but she laughs anyway, a kind of choking sound.]
We both suck, huh?
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(perhaps it's something she hasn't realized. she's so sure herself she'll die, but what if the very next second, she isn't, after all this journey and all these sacrifices?)
Who doesn't suck?
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[Put that on a t-shirt. She lets herself have one more sip from the bottle before setting it down and wiggling a little. Let her put her head on your chest like you promised, Dazai, thunking it down maybe a little harder than necessary.]
Just tell me before you go somewhere? [Her voice is small, muffled a little.] Please.
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it's hard for him to agree to something like this, it's never been his m.o.. much easier it is to walk away, let people grieve, but due to the fact that herself and chuuya were concerned about whether he had been breathing, it might be for the best settle.)
I'll do that.
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It's okay to want things. Even if you can't have them forever, it's nice to have for now.
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(he's lost before, it's a lost fight that he doesn't even want to begin. he's always been too frightened. with an intelligence like his, no outcome makes sense, not when he sees himself losing all over again. just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world one can see.)
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What're you afraid of losing?
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(that's a better question. she feels comfortable against him, though, and his hands caress her back to comfort her back. they're a mess, aren't they? like teacher, like student.)
... You know, Koto-chan? Chuuya and I are... Sort of something. I'm sure you knew that. At this point, denying it is simply out of habit.
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[Just- yeah. She doesn't laugh at least, but this isn't some kind of grand revelation. She'd suspected from the first time they're really talked about him, after all, which had only solidified the more time she'd spent with both of them.]
What makes you think you'd lose him?
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... I just can't go through that again, you see.
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And then there's another person? Complicated. She'd guess Dazai is sleeping with whoever the other person is as well as Chuuya and half the town already, but. One problem at a time. She purses her lips thoughtfully and just asks,]
Doesn't Chuuya get a say in any of this?
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... Why would he? Since when should he?
(dazai SUCKS.)
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