In fact, he's been upset ever since Kotone rushed into the warehouse and grabbed the organ with her bare hands-- okay, her Persona's bare hands, but still. It was stupid and she was obviously affected and she could've gotten hurt. Yeah, he knows that such a thing is possible here, he's prepared himself for that, but doesn't mean he's happy that she just ran in, even though it was clearly a bad idea. They're lucky that she wasn't affected more from all that. But he shoved it down, because he wanted to return the organ to Seimei, he wanted to make sure Kotone didn't have any lasting side effects.
He was really only able to fully breathe a sigh of relief, to push that anxiety out of his chest when she got the clear from the hospital.
And knowing that she's actually okay, that the love of his life will make it through, also means that Scott's finally letting his emotions-- his anger about all that be more visible. He's eerily quiet as they walks back to his house from the hospital, but he's really just gearing up what he wants to say to her.
They promised to tell each other everything, right? This counts.]
[Kotone's honestly content with the silence for a while. She'd gone to the hospital not because she felt bad, but because Scott had insisted. Well, okay, sure, she felt kind of bad, but not the kind of bad that a hospital or clinic can really help with. Sometimes it still feels like she can taste the iron in her mouth, leaving her swallowing hard to try to rid herself of the taste.
But the silence doesn't feel like their usual comfortable one. It's not something she's used to feeling around Scott. Her teeth worry at her bottom lip for a moment before she glances up at him, trying to read what she can from his face.]
...Are you okay? [A quiet, genuine question, because if she had to guess -- he's not.]
[Hearing her question, Scott sucks in a breath and--]
No, I'm not, Kotone.
[Not even using her nickname that they started calling each other. And while Scott's hand is still in hers, because he doesn't want to let go, the mutant stops and turns fully to look at her with a expression that she doesn't see often from him, especially not at her. He's angry, but not in the way he was back in October, because he's also worried and still recovering from that fear of seeing her frozen, unaware of her surroundings.
His jaw clenches, eyes always unreadable behind his shades, but they definitely come off as more stern now.]
What were you thinking back there-- using Thanatos to grab an organ that was literally melting everything around it? Seimei fully warned not to touch it and yet you did.
[When he stops, she does, too. Her back is almost uncomfortably straight as she glances up to meet his glasses, but she does it all the same, wanting him to have this. It's not like she needs to see his eyes to read his expression, anyway, even if it tears at her heart a little bit.]
...Thanatos resists curse. [It's a simple answer, but a genuine one. He'd asked what she'd been thinking, and that had been a big part of it. She's still worried about him, but there's steel in her eyes, too, an unwillingness to apologize for her actions so easily.] I had to try. It stopped the acid.
[Maybe petty of him to say, but Scott doesn't care. He's still a little scared and frustrated and he's never been the greatest at controlling his feelings. Sure, he's gotten better lately, but this is different. This isn't about him being jealous or having a friend yell at him; Kotone really could've gotten badly hurt or died. It doesn't matter that death may not be permanent here, they don't know that for sure. They can't rely on something like that, especially since reappearing in this new Aldrip.
And he doesn't want to see her die--]
It was clearly dangerous in there and yet you just ran inside without thinking about anything else. Did you forget I was there too? We could've figured something out together. [He frowns, not backing down from his stance either.] You didn't even wait for me and we're supposed to be a team!
[His voice rises a bit, if maybe to hide some of his hurt.
And look, even if she stopped the acid, she's lucky that it didn't turn out worse. Scott also doesn't feel like addressing that because it'd be admitting that everything is just fine and she should do something like that again. That's not the point.]
[She's opened her mouth to argue back that there hadn't been a lot of time, and besides, it definitely seemed like curse magic to her, and Thanatos is really strong, anyway, so he'd be able to take some damage, but then -- we're supposed to be a team, and it's clear enough that the way his voice rises means that's important to him. And it's something she doesn't really understand.]
We are a team. [She says it as if it's obvious, masking her own hurt as best she can. Why would he think they weren't...?] You were working on the acid that was already there, and I had to try to stop it from getting worse before the building collapsed.
[Like, that sounds like teamwork to her? What kind of leader would she be if she didn't send herself straight into danger if there was a chance it could work?]
[...He can see the hurt on her and knowing that he's making her feel that way almost stops Scott, but he can't. This is important. Even if it sucks and he feels like shit, he has to say this because Kotone can't just keep doing stuff like this, throwing herself into situations without thinking about others that can help.
Treating her life as completely expendable.
She's never expendable. It doesn't matter if she... if she's dead back home. It really doesn't matter. Yes, he knows that any of them can die at any moment, but it doesn't mean he's just going to let it happen if he can do something in all his power to prevent it in the first place.]
That's the issue! You just ran straight ahead without considering a second option!
[He wanted to stop yelling, but he just can't.]
That wasn't the only solution! We could've stopped the building from collapsing and then worked together to stop the organ from leaking. We could've done a bunch of other things! But your first idea was just to risk your life like it doesn't matter at all! [Yelling is hiding his hurt, right? That's why he's doing it still. Even if his voice cracks at the end there, jaw tightened to stop himself from shaking in front of her. He... he almost lost her, again. At least she wasn't kidnapped this time, but it was so hard seeing her frozen, that glazed look appearing in her eyes, not knowing if she'd snap out of it. He was so scared.]
[Her gaze finally drops as he keeps yelling, her fingers briefly squeezing his before stopping, as if realizing that maybe she shouldn't be holding onto him for comfort when he's so angry. She doesn't pull her hand back, but she forces herself not to hold tightly, either.
She can't even really refute him when it comes down to it. It's not that she thinks her life doesn't matter, she knows it does to him, but... his matters more. Dara's matters more. Doing something because it's the right thing to do, regardless of her personal safety... that's a good thing, isn't it?
She doesn't voice any of that, though, not sure how to communicate it in a way that will make sense. So all she really manages is a soft,] Sorry.
[He snaps, still hotheaded and upset. Maybe she did mean it, but it feels like she's just going to do the same thing next time. That anger is still bubbling inside him, but Scott takes in a deep breath, trying to calm himself in some way before he tries to... voice more of his thoughts. Scott thinks he's better at directing his feelings and everything, but he sometimes still gets this way.
Just remember what Dazai said. He can't shove down his feelings, but control his reactions.
After a moment, Scott slowly tightens his hand in hers, squeezing her fingers before speaking in a more calm voice.]
...Look, Kotone, I'm not saying that you shouldn't risk your life at all. Or that you shouldn't protect your friends. I don't want you to stop doing that. [Because he'd be pissed if Kotone tried to stop him from helping out in crap like this. That isn't what he wants. Sure, it'd be nice if they could just stay safe forever, but Aldrip isn't like that. He's more than aware.]
Just that your life matters as much as mine or anyone else's. [...] I'm out here expecting to get hurt or possibly die too. You're not the only one that's willing to risk their life and that's why we work as a team instead of just disregarding everyone else around you.
[Is he making sense? Scott hopes so. While he wants to look away from her, he keeps his eyes focused on her, as if hoping to see that she truly gets it and won't just apologize or say okay just because.] Because that's what you did.
[She keeps her gaze uncharacteristically on the ground, a sign that she's genuinely letting his words sink in and not trying to fight back. There's a surge of her own anger at the idea that he's expecting to get hurt or die -- not while she's around, not while she still has breath in her body would she allow that to happen to him, or to any one of her friends. Not again.
But it hurts, too, because even if she never wanted to be a leader, Mitsuru and Akihiko and even Shinji had told her that she was doing a good job. Yukari and Junpei, too, even if it took Junpei a little longer to accept it. But if Scott doesn't think so, what's the point...? His opinion is just as important as the other members of SEES, and something twists in her heart at the realization that she's not good enough for what he expects. It shows in the way she presses her lips together briefly before saying quietly,] That's what I was supposed to do. I take point and everyone follows, 'cause we trusted each other.
[There's a note of confusion in her voice, too, a genuine worry -- was that wrong to do? Could things have been different if she were better?]
[Watching as Kotone's gaze turn to the ground, Scott once again wonders if he should just stop. He... doesn't want to make her feel like this. He hates being the person responsible to wipe that smile off her face. Besides, hasn't she been through enough? Doubt starts to bloom in his own chest despite his earlier conviction, wondering if he should just leave the rest of his thoughts for another time. He's just not sure if he'd ever have the energy to actually bring it up.
Guess he could. When she's feeling better. Whenever that will be.
But he's pulled out of his thoughts when he hears her talk and no, it has to be now.
Letting go of her hand, he instead reaches up to take her face in his hands before gently leaning his forehead against hers, just soaking in this intimate contact as he gathers what he wants to say. He's definitely no longer angry and a part of him wonders if he's wrong about this. She's not a bad leader, he knows she's not. She's probably better than him-- it's not like he's lead anyone to anything important. But...]
...I trust you. And you trust me. I know that, you know that. [He agrees softly, thumbs stroking against her cheeks.] Did you expect me to run in after you? We could've just gone in together in that case. I... I wanted you to tell me what you were going to do.
[She closes her eyes and lets him rest against her, as if she could somehow steal some of his strength for himself. She's so tired after everything that had happened, mentally and physically drained, and Scott being angry is just making everything worse. It's easier if she focuses just on the soft brush of his thumbs against her skin, the gentle warmth he leaves behind against her skin. It's grounding, in a way, having him here like this.
Did she expect him to run in after her...? Maybe. She'd told him to keep taking care of the acid, and she knew he can't see well when he's using his powers. She'd told him she was going in so he'd know not to look that way and thought that would be enough.]
...We don't train a lot together, huh? [she says finally, because maybe that's the problem. She'd expected him to just know what she was planning, or to trust that her plan would work, or at the very least, be ready and understand if it didn't work. By the end, with SEES, she could trust her team to act independently, that they could tackle entire floors by themselves or back her up when she needed without her really having to say anything. She and Scott are so close, but they don't have that kind of relationship, not yet.
Tentatively, she glances up, searching for his eyes through his glasses.] Maybe we should do that more.
[Scott agrees without much hesitation because it would be a good idea. He probably needs more training in general and syncing up with Kotone during a battle or whatever will be important if they're going to do stuff like this in the future. And he wants to, because... he wants to fight by her side, he doesn't want to be a useless kid. What Quentin said to him still stings in some way.
More than that, he doesn't want her to feel like she has no choice but to sacrifice herself to protect him. That would be the worst. Still, he's bothered by what happened, more than just their lack of training together. Closing his eyes briefly, he settles on the last thing he wants to say to her.
His hands drop from her face, only so he can pull her into a tight hug, his arms wrapping around her as if securing Kotone from the outside. It's stupid and probably childish, but he wants this. He wants her to really get why he's upset.]
But... Kotone, just remember. That you're very important to me. Your first thought in these things shouldn't be to just sacrifice yourself, okay? We should run through different options first. Unless you just want me to sacrifice myself without a second thought.
[Her eyes widen with surprise as she's suddenly pulled into a hug, because hadn't he been angry at her just a little bit ago? She's stiff in his arms for a few moments, blinking rapidly, before wrapping her own around him and burying herself against his shoulder, closing her eyes tightly.
It's not that she doesn't know she's important to him. But sometimes it's hard to remember that when it really comes down to it, because -- it's better if it's her. It's better if she gets hurt, or killed, than if it's Scott, or Dara, or- anyone else. It's not that she wants to die, either, but,]
I just wanted to protect Dara-san. [Her voice is muffled against his shoulder, but she doesn't turn or move to make it easier for him to hear. The strength and warmth of his arms around her is more important than something as silly as how audible her voice is.] There wasn't a lot of time to think of anything else.
[He can say he doesn't want that to be her first thought, but if it's her or anyone else, she'll choose the other person every single time.]
[Honestly, he'd rather just stay silent and hug her like this. No more arguing, no more being upset, just fully appreciating her warmth against him, feeling her alive and... mostly okay against him. However, there's also that stubborn part of him still, the one that's also so worried about her and Kotone's nature to just treat her life like this.
It really hurts, something in his chest twisting and stinging badly, but luckily, she probably won't see his expression. He'll just tighten his arms around her, squeezing briefly.]
We all want to protect Dara. You know other people are risking themselves out there too, right? And I'd do whatever I can for her, even if it meant that I got hurt in the end. [Or worse.] But we're not going to help her if we all have the mindset of recklessly endangering ourselves for her-- and no, it's not okay if you decide to be the only one that should have that thought.
[He knows her so well, because when he says it's not going to help if everyone has the mindset of recklessly endangering themselves, she does think, well, it's okay if it's me. Her fingertips tighten lightly against his back, and her brow furrows with the desire to argue with him, because that's not fair!]
What'd you mean?
[The confused hurt is back in her voice again, as much as she's trying to keep it contained, because- what? It's selfish to want to protect other people? She knows she can be selfish in other ways, like wanting to spend time with people and wanting to learn about them as much as she can, but how is this selfish?]
For a moment, Scott stays silent, because he's struggling how he wants to say all this. It doesn't help that he hears the hurt in her voice once more. Didn't Seimei say to support each other and everything? It feels like he's not, when he's making Kotone upset. But wouldn't she be more upset if he lied to her or simply said 'nevermind?' ...Probably. He's pretty sure about that. They promised to tell each other everything...
So, after a few more seconds of silence, Scott eventually responds.]
You're forcing others to accept that you think your life matters less than theirs. I'm not saying you can't risk your life at all to protect others, but when you keep doing it, over and over and not letting others step up... it's hard.
[...] There's so many people that care about you, Kotone. That want to protect you in return. How do you think we feel when you just toss that aside-- our feelings aside?
[She's quiet then, not because she's not listening, but because she's really trying to think about it from his perspective. His life does matter more than hers does -- that feels like a fact. Her fate has already been sealed, and she knows what it's like to die, so if anybody's got to die in any situation -- it should be her, shouldn't it?
But if Shinji said something like that, she'd get really angry. He could make the same argument, couldn't he? He probably would try. That's the thought, more than anything, that knits her brow in visible consternation and a little bit of muted anger.]
...Angry, [she says finally in answer to his question. Even if it had been a rhetorical question, she wants to answer it. A glance up, and her lip quirks into a little humorless smile.] I think... I'd be really angry.
[There's something akin to relief spreading in his chest when he hears her answer. Maybe... maybe they are getting somewhere, if Kotone can realize this. Looking down at her with that same serious expression, something almost seems to loosen in him as he pulls his hand back up to stroke her cheek with his thumb.]
...Yeah.
[...He probably can just leave it be now, but.]
It's how I felt, watching you. Angry. Almost helpless. I didn't know if you were going to snap out of that trance. [He probably won't ever forget the image of Kotone just standing there, so still despite the chaos surrounding her.] ...I was really scared.
[She closes her eyes, letting herself focus on the warmth of his thumb against her cheek, using it to ground herself in the moment. Is this how Shinji had felt, back in September? Is that why he was so brutal in battle, so willing to take hits and damage himself to inflict as much damage as possible?
...Maybe they're close enough that she can ask him, now. But maybe she doesn't have to.
Reaching up with both hands, she takes his hand in hers and pulls it to her lips, pressing them gently to his knuckles in search of that grounding realism. There's a part of her, not a small part, that wants to bite down, but she pushes it back.]
...I dunno know if I can change who I am, [she says finally, a quiet, honest admission as she opens her eyes to gaze up at him again.] But... I'll try. For you.
[He lets her take his hand within hers, accepting this intimate contact between them. There's a subtle dimming behind his glasses as Scott closes his eyes, just wanting to focus on this moment between them without his red vision distracting him. Maybe she needs this as much as he needs it. He'd like to think so. Not that she's shy, but he knows that she's a little more hesitant when it comes to these sort of touches.
Something that just isn't playful.]
I don't want you to change you are. [Because he loves her as she is, flaws and all. Which probably sounds confusing when he was just upset with her. Maybe he's not making complete sense, because he truly wants Kotone to stop rushing into danger, but...] I just want you to remember that as much as you don't want me or anyone else to be hurt, your friends-- I feel the same.
[His voice becomes soft.]
Kotone, I don't love you because you want to sacrifice yourself for everyone. Or that you actually did. I love you because of everything else.
[She's silent for a long time again, closing her own eyes and just replaying his words in her mind, over and over again, soaking in the meaning, turning them around and around as if it could somehow make her feel more... just feel more. Express herself the way Scott wants her to, while still being true to herself, whoever that is.
Under other circumstances, she might tease him, try to get him to list out all the things he loves about her -- and she knows he'd do it, too. It's part of why she doesn't have to ask.
Eventually, she just sighs against his knuckles, using both of her hands to draw his fingers out and press a gentle kiss to the pads of his fingertips.]
...I love you, too. [Just as softly as her earlier admission. She pulls his hand down, just enough to press it to her heart in the same kind of gesture she'd use to summon one of her Personas.] I'll... try to be better.
[She doesn't really know how yet, but maybe that's something they can both learn. Together.]
[Whatever comfort Kotone wants from him right now, Scott's more than happy to give her. His fingers easily unfold, mouth silently parting as she presses a kiss to them. It may surprise others to know that she's more easily embarrassed doing intimate stuff like this, but Scott's happy to just keep this between them. Kind of like knowing a part of her that's just a little more hidden.
He smiles when she returns his sentiment, letting his hand be guided to her heart. He'd like to think he can feel her heartbeat, as if proof that she's alive and with him right now. At least she's still warm, with her hand pressed against his. Just the two of them without anything else to worry about. It can't and won't last forever, but... he won't forget this.
While it's not a promise that she fully understands him, at least she's going to try. Guess that's the most he can ask for right now. His smile's still there, but there's some sadness in his expression even as he strokes her cheek once more.]
I'll be there for you. Every step. [Even if it hurts.]
[The little hint of a smile that rises to her lips is almost unconscious, a completely genuine little expression of fondness. Someday, Scott will leave her, and she'll have to cope with that -- or, worse, she'll leave him. But for now, they have each other. Even if sometimes that means him yelling at her like this.]
[If there's an emphasis on Scott saying that, she's totally imagining it. The rest of the walk home is easy in comparison though, as it seems that the mutant got everything that he wanted off his chest. No more being upset or yelling at her, although he doesn't push any particular conversation either. A more quiet walk, but hopefully a still comfortable one.
When they get back, Scott guides Kotone back to his room, still holding her hand in his. He looks a little serious again, but mostly worried, and he prods her-- with a certain expectation that she'll be honest with him. He thinks he's gotten pretty good at telling when she's holding back.]
How are you feeling? Did you want to take a nap? Or... is the curse hurting you?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action; sometime after taking Kotone to the hospital
In fact, he's been upset ever since Kotone rushed into the warehouse and grabbed the organ with her bare hands-- okay, her Persona's bare hands, but still. It was stupid and she was obviously affected and she could've gotten hurt. Yeah, he knows that such a thing is possible here, he's prepared himself for that, but doesn't mean he's happy that she just ran in, even though it was clearly a bad idea. They're lucky that she wasn't affected more from all that. But he shoved it down, because he wanted to return the organ to Seimei, he wanted to make sure Kotone didn't have any lasting side effects.
He was really only able to fully breathe a sigh of relief, to push that anxiety out of his chest when she got the clear from the hospital.
And knowing that she's actually okay, that the love of his life will make it through, also means that Scott's finally letting his emotions-- his anger about all that be more visible. He's eerily quiet as they walks back to his house from the hospital, but he's really just gearing up what he wants to say to her.
They promised to tell each other everything, right? This counts.]
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But the silence doesn't feel like their usual comfortable one. It's not something she's used to feeling around Scott. Her teeth worry at her bottom lip for a moment before she glances up at him, trying to read what she can from his face.]
...Are you okay? [A quiet, genuine question, because if she had to guess -- he's not.]
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No, I'm not, Kotone.
[Not even using her nickname that they started calling each other. And while Scott's hand is still in hers, because he doesn't want to let go, the mutant stops and turns fully to look at her with a expression that she doesn't see often from him, especially not at her. He's angry, but not in the way he was back in October, because he's also worried and still recovering from that fear of seeing her frozen, unaware of her surroundings.
His jaw clenches, eyes always unreadable behind his shades, but they definitely come off as more stern now.]
What were you thinking back there-- using Thanatos to grab an organ that was literally melting everything around it? Seimei fully warned not to touch it and yet you did.
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...Thanatos resists curse. [It's a simple answer, but a genuine one. He'd asked what she'd been thinking, and that had been a big part of it. She's still worried about him, but there's steel in her eyes, too, an unwillingness to apologize for her actions so easily.] I had to try. It stopped the acid.
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[Maybe petty of him to say, but Scott doesn't care. He's still a little scared and frustrated and he's never been the greatest at controlling his feelings. Sure, he's gotten better lately, but this is different. This isn't about him being jealous or having a friend yell at him; Kotone really could've gotten badly hurt or died. It doesn't matter that death may not be permanent here, they don't know that for sure. They can't rely on something like that, especially since reappearing in this new Aldrip.
And he doesn't want to see her die--]
It was clearly dangerous in there and yet you just ran inside without thinking about anything else. Did you forget I was there too? We could've figured something out together. [He frowns, not backing down from his stance either.] You didn't even wait for me and we're supposed to be a team!
[His voice rises a bit, if maybe to hide some of his hurt.
And look, even if she stopped the acid, she's lucky that it didn't turn out worse. Scott also doesn't feel like addressing that because it'd be admitting that everything is just fine and she should do something like that again. That's not the point.]
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We are a team. [She says it as if it's obvious, masking her own hurt as best she can. Why would he think they weren't...?] You were working on the acid that was already there, and I had to try to stop it from getting worse before the building collapsed.
[Like, that sounds like teamwork to her? What kind of leader would she be if she didn't send herself straight into danger if there was a chance it could work?]
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Treating her life as completely expendable.
She's never expendable. It doesn't matter if she... if she's dead back home. It really doesn't matter. Yes, he knows that any of them can die at any moment, but it doesn't mean he's just going to let it happen if he can do something in all his power to prevent it in the first place.]
That's the issue! You just ran straight ahead without considering a second option!
[He wanted to stop yelling, but he just can't.]
That wasn't the only solution! We could've stopped the building from collapsing and then worked together to stop the organ from leaking. We could've done a bunch of other things! But your first idea was just to risk your life like it doesn't matter at all! [Yelling is hiding his hurt, right? That's why he's doing it still. Even if his voice cracks at the end there, jaw tightened to stop himself from shaking in front of her. He... he almost lost her, again. At least she wasn't kidnapped this time, but it was so hard seeing her frozen, that glazed look appearing in her eyes, not knowing if she'd snap out of it. He was so scared.]
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She can't even really refute him when it comes down to it. It's not that she thinks her life doesn't matter, she knows it does to him, but... his matters more. Dara's matters more. Doing something because it's the right thing to do, regardless of her personal safety... that's a good thing, isn't it?
She doesn't voice any of that, though, not sure how to communicate it in a way that will make sense. So all she really manages is a soft,] Sorry.
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[He snaps, still hotheaded and upset. Maybe she did mean it, but it feels like she's just going to do the same thing next time. That anger is still bubbling inside him, but Scott takes in a deep breath, trying to calm himself in some way before he tries to... voice more of his thoughts. Scott thinks he's better at directing his feelings and everything, but he sometimes still gets this way.
Just remember what Dazai said. He can't shove down his feelings, but control his reactions.
After a moment, Scott slowly tightens his hand in hers, squeezing her fingers before speaking in a more calm voice.]
...Look, Kotone, I'm not saying that you shouldn't risk your life at all. Or that you shouldn't protect your friends. I don't want you to stop doing that. [Because he'd be pissed if Kotone tried to stop him from helping out in crap like this. That isn't what he wants. Sure, it'd be nice if they could just stay safe forever, but Aldrip isn't like that. He's more than aware.]
Just that your life matters as much as mine or anyone else's. [...] I'm out here expecting to get hurt or possibly die too. You're not the only one that's willing to risk their life and that's why we work as a team instead of just disregarding everyone else around you.
[Is he making sense? Scott hopes so. While he wants to look away from her, he keeps his eyes focused on her, as if hoping to see that she truly gets it and won't just apologize or say okay just because.] Because that's what you did.
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But it hurts, too, because even if she never wanted to be a leader, Mitsuru and Akihiko and even Shinji had told her that she was doing a good job. Yukari and Junpei, too, even if it took Junpei a little longer to accept it. But if Scott doesn't think so, what's the point...? His opinion is just as important as the other members of SEES, and something twists in her heart at the realization that she's not good enough for what he expects. It shows in the way she presses her lips together briefly before saying quietly,] That's what I was supposed to do. I take point and everyone follows, 'cause we trusted each other.
[There's a note of confusion in her voice, too, a genuine worry -- was that wrong to do? Could things have been different if she were better?]
I knew you'd have my back.
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Guess he could. When she's feeling better. Whenever that will be.
But he's pulled out of his thoughts when he hears her talk and no, it has to be now.
Letting go of her hand, he instead reaches up to take her face in his hands before gently leaning his forehead against hers, just soaking in this intimate contact as he gathers what he wants to say. He's definitely no longer angry and a part of him wonders if he's wrong about this. She's not a bad leader, he knows she's not. She's probably better than him-- it's not like he's lead anyone to anything important. But...]
...I trust you. And you trust me. I know that, you know that. [He agrees softly, thumbs stroking against her cheeks.] Did you expect me to run in after you? We could've just gone in together in that case. I... I wanted you to tell me what you were going to do.
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Did she expect him to run in after her...? Maybe. She'd told him to keep taking care of the acid, and she knew he can't see well when he's using his powers. She'd told him she was going in so he'd know not to look that way and thought that would be enough.]
...We don't train a lot together, huh? [she says finally, because maybe that's the problem. She'd expected him to just know what she was planning, or to trust that her plan would work, or at the very least, be ready and understand if it didn't work. By the end, with SEES, she could trust her team to act independently, that they could tackle entire floors by themselves or back her up when she needed without her really having to say anything. She and Scott are so close, but they don't have that kind of relationship, not yet.
Tentatively, she glances up, searching for his eyes through his glasses.] Maybe we should do that more.
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[Scott agrees without much hesitation because it would be a good idea. He probably needs more training in general and syncing up with Kotone during a battle or whatever will be important if they're going to do stuff like this in the future. And he wants to, because... he wants to fight by her side, he doesn't want to be a useless kid. What Quentin said to him still stings in some way.
More than that, he doesn't want her to feel like she has no choice but to sacrifice herself to protect him. That would be the worst. Still, he's bothered by what happened, more than just their lack of training together. Closing his eyes briefly, he settles on the last thing he wants to say to her.
His hands drop from her face, only so he can pull her into a tight hug, his arms wrapping around her as if securing Kotone from the outside. It's stupid and probably childish, but he wants this. He wants her to really get why he's upset.]
But... Kotone, just remember. That you're very important to me. Your first thought in these things shouldn't be to just sacrifice yourself, okay? We should run through different options first. Unless you just want me to sacrifice myself without a second thought.
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It's not that she doesn't know she's important to him. But sometimes it's hard to remember that when it really comes down to it, because -- it's better if it's her. It's better if she gets hurt, or killed, than if it's Scott, or Dara, or- anyone else. It's not that she wants to die, either, but,]
I just wanted to protect Dara-san. [Her voice is muffled against his shoulder, but she doesn't turn or move to make it easier for him to hear. The strength and warmth of his arms around her is more important than something as silly as how audible her voice is.] There wasn't a lot of time to think of anything else.
[He can say he doesn't want that to be her first thought, but if it's her or anyone else, she'll choose the other person every single time.]
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It really hurts, something in his chest twisting and stinging badly, but luckily, she probably won't see his expression. He'll just tighten his arms around her, squeezing briefly.]
We all want to protect Dara. You know other people are risking themselves out there too, right? And I'd do whatever I can for her, even if it meant that I got hurt in the end. [Or worse.] But we're not going to help her if we all have the mindset of recklessly endangering ourselves for her-- and no, it's not okay if you decide to be the only one that should have that thought.
[......] It's selfish.
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What'd you mean?
[The confused hurt is back in her voice again, as much as she's trying to keep it contained, because- what? It's selfish to want to protect other people? She knows she can be selfish in other ways, like wanting to spend time with people and wanting to learn about them as much as she can, but how is this selfish?]
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For a moment, Scott stays silent, because he's struggling how he wants to say all this. It doesn't help that he hears the hurt in her voice once more. Didn't Seimei say to support each other and everything? It feels like he's not, when he's making Kotone upset. But wouldn't she be more upset if he lied to her or simply said 'nevermind?' ...Probably. He's pretty sure about that. They promised to tell each other everything...
So, after a few more seconds of silence, Scott eventually responds.]
You're forcing others to accept that you think your life matters less than theirs. I'm not saying you can't risk your life at all to protect others, but when you keep doing it, over and over and not letting others step up... it's hard.
[...] There's so many people that care about you, Kotone. That want to protect you in return. How do you think we feel when you just toss that aside-- our feelings aside?
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[She's quiet then, not because she's not listening, but because she's really trying to think about it from his perspective. His life does matter more than hers does -- that feels like a fact. Her fate has already been sealed, and she knows what it's like to die, so if anybody's got to die in any situation -- it should be her, shouldn't it?
But if Shinji said something like that, she'd get really angry. He could make the same argument, couldn't he? He probably would try. That's the thought, more than anything, that knits her brow in visible consternation and a little bit of muted anger.]
...Angry, [she says finally in answer to his question. Even if it had been a rhetorical question, she wants to answer it. A glance up, and her lip quirks into a little humorless smile.] I think... I'd be really angry.
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...Yeah.
[...He probably can just leave it be now, but.]
It's how I felt, watching you. Angry. Almost helpless. I didn't know if you were going to snap out of that trance. [He probably won't ever forget the image of Kotone just standing there, so still despite the chaos surrounding her.] ...I was really scared.
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...Maybe they're close enough that she can ask him, now. But maybe she doesn't have to.
Reaching up with both hands, she takes his hand in hers and pulls it to her lips, pressing them gently to his knuckles in search of that grounding realism. There's a part of her, not a small part, that wants to bite down, but she pushes it back.]
...I dunno know if I can change who I am, [she says finally, a quiet, honest admission as she opens her eyes to gaze up at him again.] But... I'll try. For you.
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Something that just isn't playful.]
I don't want you to change you are. [Because he loves her as she is, flaws and all. Which probably sounds confusing when he was just upset with her. Maybe he's not making complete sense, because he truly wants Kotone to stop rushing into danger, but...] I just want you to remember that as much as you don't want me or anyone else to be hurt, your friends-- I feel the same.
[His voice becomes soft.]
Kotone, I don't love you because you want to sacrifice yourself for everyone. Or that you actually did. I love you because of everything else.
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Under other circumstances, she might tease him, try to get him to list out all the things he loves about her -- and she knows he'd do it, too. It's part of why she doesn't have to ask.
Eventually, she just sighs against his knuckles, using both of her hands to draw his fingers out and press a gentle kiss to the pads of his fingertips.]
...I love you, too. [Just as softly as her earlier admission. She pulls his hand down, just enough to press it to her heart in the same kind of gesture she'd use to summon one of her Personas.] I'll... try to be better.
[She doesn't really know how yet, but maybe that's something they can both learn. Together.]
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He smiles when she returns his sentiment, letting his hand be guided to her heart. He'd like to think he can feel her heartbeat, as if proof that she's alive and with him right now. At least she's still warm, with her hand pressed against his. Just the two of them without anything else to worry about. It can't and won't last forever, but... he won't forget this.
While it's not a promise that she fully understands him, at least she's going to try. Guess that's the most he can ask for right now. His smile's still there, but there's some sadness in his expression even as he strokes her cheek once more.]
I'll be there for you. Every step. [Even if it hurts.]
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[The little hint of a smile that rises to her lips is almost unconscious, a completely genuine little expression of fondness. Someday, Scott will leave her, and she'll have to cope with that -- or, worse, she'll leave him. But for now, they have each other. Even if sometimes that means him yelling at her like this.]
...Can we go back now?
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[If there's an emphasis on Scott saying that, she's totally imagining it. The rest of the walk home is easy in comparison though, as it seems that the mutant got everything that he wanted off his chest. No more being upset or yelling at her, although he doesn't push any particular conversation either. A more quiet walk, but hopefully a still comfortable one.
When they get back, Scott guides Kotone back to his room, still holding her hand in his. He looks a little serious again, but mostly worried, and he prods her-- with a certain expectation that she'll be honest with him. He thinks he's gotten pretty good at telling when she's holding back.]
How are you feeling? Did you want to take a nap? Or... is the curse hurting you?
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