[It's not that she doesn't get how big this is for Dazai -- it's that it's going to really have to mean something, isn't it? And seeing what happens with Dazai means she'll be able to see what will happen for Ken, too.
So, in short order, she's letting herself into Lupin and heading downstairs to look for him.]
(of course he knows that she'll also be looking for ken's own situation. he's important to the point she's asked dazai to take care of him, so-- but then again, does it matter much, when dazai's protected by his own ability? most likely not, the mind-controlling thing proved it.
he's not even drinking much, habit rather than necessity, a sip when he yawns from a booth.)
[It's nice when the bar is closed like this -- makes it feel really private and personal when she'd gotten used to serving others drinks with a smile It's a little odd, too, seeing a place she'd grown accustomed to being full of life being pretty quiet.
But she pauses by the table, tilting her head a little questioningly. Should she slide in the booth next to him for better pets, or across from him for ease of conversation?]
Absolutely dandy, totally love me some confession time to all the shit I've done in my life! Ah, and we don't even have a church. I'm sorry, Koto-chan, but if I tell my people, this is unfortunately nothing new to them, and honestly, we're not at all that different, so it loses meaning! I don't want to face consequences that might be tailored to me specifically, since 'No Longer Human' tends to wash away all the crazy things this place throws my way! So, it has to be you, I'm sorry, I suggest you grab yourself two or three or four bottles! You'll know me better than my men after this!
(he's babbling, always cheery, always excited, because it feels normal to be like so. this is absolutely terrifying, but if it's a confession, dazai might as well follow it down to the teeth, solely to see what will happen to him at the end.
[Oh, Dazai... she gives him a bit of a patient look at all that babble, recognizing it for what it is -- a stalling defense mechanism -- and does turn around to head toward the bar. From her time working there, she knows the general layout, but instead of going for anything alcoholic, she just grabs a bottle of sparkling water and two glasses, bringing them back over to the table for them both and pouring herself a drink.]
Let's start with one bottle, hm? [Of water... not what he meant. Her smile fades into something more serious as she slides into the booth across from him, resting her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands.]
Ah, I thought you loved me enough to let me do this easier? Supposed not. However, you see, you cannot see my parchment, it has been rather mean to me, and I would like to keep some smidge of dignity! I'll tell you instead. It doesn't tell me what happens if I don't do it. It says I'll be punished, but should I succeed, I'll receive information about what this whole place is about.
(he'll roll his eyes, a pout, as if he was a child who refused to tell an adult about its misbehaving.)
I prefer to not be punished, and use the opportunity to get the plan going with my beloved Russian rat.
(EW. WHY ARE YOU CRINGE!!!!!)
Even if none of it it's true, even that in itself is telling.
I don't think it's supposed to be easy. Besides, since when have you been worried about dignity?
[Like, not since she's known him, at least! Shamelessly begging for pets and just being an all-around silly nuisance more often than not. Still, if he doesn't want to show her his parchment, she won't push it. None of it is really her business anyway, but Dazai's the one who picked her to share with.
She wants to ask about what the heck his plan is, but-]
If I ask about the plan with Fyodor-san, are you gonna use it as an excuse to put off telling me what you want to tell me?
[Well, alright then. She pours a glass of water for Dazai, too, knowing it's not what he wants but it'll be something to occupy his hands once he's done with his actual drink, and settles back in her seat with her own glass.]
Mhm. So... I guess from the beginning? I'm the heir of the Port Mafia, you know. The former boss was my parent -- although we didn't have much of a relationship, I did spend most of my teen years tied in the hospital so I didn't kill myself! My father, though... His mind started to deteriorate, and his orders became worse and worse -- unreasonable. So when I was around 14 years old, Mori-san took me to see him, and slit his throat. I was to be a witness that he died of natural causes, since Mori-san didn't have support, and he couldn't be in a position to be a traitor - he needed my word for this to work. So, I did! He said he was going to help me die after a while, but he never did.
[Her brows furrow at the revelation that the former boss was his father. Growing up alone in the hospital sounds horrible, though; for as much as she'd felt alone, she'd had other people to talk to, to insert herself into their lives, even for as short a time as it was.
Being 14 wasn't that long ago. Could she have stood silently by while someone murdered-- well, it's hard to imagine. She'd stood there in the wake of the "accident" that had killed her parents, what little she can remember. She doesn't know what she would do.]
What happened after that? [her voice is soft, gentle without being pitying. This is Dazai's story, and he doesn't need her pity. He needs her to listen.]
(he doesn't think so much before of that incident. life was a blur, he didn't want to be there, and he had always been, too smart for this. drowning, watching time fly, not grasping any reason to breathe, despising his own body for keeping him alive when he never wanted to be.)
I ended up helping him. A year later, I met Chuuya. I manipulated his people so they'd turn their backs on him and he'd come to the Mafia with me.
[She hums again, more softly now that Chuuya's involved, and studies Dazai's face a little more closely in an attempt to get a read on him. Expression, tone of voice, any of it -- she's trying to use what Dazai taught her about baselines, but reading him is hard.]
Now that you and Chuuya are... you know, how do you feel about? How'd you feel back then?
[It's a gently probing question, asked only because he'd said that the place wanted him to be honest about his feelings; there's no point making him recount all of this if it doesn't even fulfill the dumb requirements set by who-knows-who.]
(it's hard because it's unmoving. he could be talking about the weather, he could be giving mentoring points, he could be teaching mathematics. it isn't this that particularly makes him nervous, nostalgic, fighting the invisible.)
I don't feel particularly sorry or bad that I've done that, though. This is a little bit of why I hate this! I don't feel very strongly about most things I've done, truly, but I know most people would or should!
[She just -- shrugs. That's all. She's either the best or worst person to talk to about that, because she understands all too well how sometimes one just doesn't know how to feel about something serious when it matters.]
This isn't about how most people would or should feel, though. It's about you, isn't it?
[She rubs her fingers gently against the glass, venturing after a moment,] Chuuya made it sound like the others were depending on him too much. Did you make them realize that?
(oh, kotone. what he had done was worse. he looks up, as if he is trying to remember exactly what is it that he did.)
Ah, yes. At the beginning of our mission, I had planned it all out. I made them think Chuuya had joined the Port Mafia they hated so much, so they turned against him and formed an alliance with an enemy of ours. My first job after all that was to annihilate the enemies of the Mafia, but I offered Chuuya safety for the Sheep if he could work beside me and told me how to weaken them. He couldn't really refuse, anyway.
[Considering the way he talked about his and Chuuya's relationship when they were younger, it doesn't feel totally out of line to think that Dazai lied to him.]
Safety in this case meant they wouldn't be massacred, and they weren't.
(it's a little difficult to tell kotone about these things. to him, it's simply facts, strategy, good and bad are things that are so intangible. what he did, shitty, but look at the port mafia then. look at chuuya now. selfishingly, he got chuuya to himself, too. a shrug, as he taps his nails against the wood of the counter.)
We were officially in the Mafia after that. You know, we trained. I'm the best torturer there is, Chuuya is a one-man army... He had a team, you know. They're dead because I sacrificed them for Mori-san's safety. One time, you asked me why did I simply abandon Chuuya, and I told you I couldn't take away his family for the third time. This is what I meant. I made the Sheep disband and put Chuuya in a position where he had no other choice but to be in the Mafia. Then, I had a hand in the murder of the people he loved in the Mafia. I couldn't, you see?
[Dazai of all people should be familiar with her expression; her brows knit and her lips thin into the vague distress that manifests when she doesn't know how to express her emotions properly. It hurts to think about; a hand goes to her heart as it aches in sympathy for Chuuya.]
All of it. I suppose we were... Sixteen. About your age, right? We didn't get much of a chance to be kids, you see, when this is what we had been dealing with since we were so young. I myself would love to make the Port Mafia burn, I'm very sick and tired of its existence-- Chuuya would not be particularly happy, though.
(he knows she's upset. once he's home, he'll be kind to chuuya. remind him wordlessly that he means the world, and that it boggles one's mind he won't move from dazai's side. boggles dazai's own mind.)
... I think you can understand a little bit better why this is... Not the greatest relationship to ever exist?
[Weirdly enough, the furrow to her brow eases somewhat when he says Chuuya knows about all of it already. If this was some kind of big secret that she was supposed to keep, then... it would be a lot more difficult. But-]
I was sixteen when I was told how to use my powers, [she says finally. It really wasn't that long ago as time passes, but in terms of what she's experienced and what she's learned, it really does feel like a lifetime.] I made a lot of mistakes by doing what I thought was the right thing, or doing what I thought was necessary. It sounds like it was the same for you, right? Even if you knew it wasn't the right thing to do, you had to do it.
If Chuuya knows all of this and still wants to be with you, who am I to say there's something wrong with it? [She shrugs, not dismissively, but as if it only makes sense to draw that conclusion.] That you haven't burnt Port Mafia to the ground means something, I think.
(these binaries that she brings are always so interesting. good, right, these are concepts in a binary that don't really mean anything to dazai. mistakes were not committed, his plans were flawless, all came out just as he expected, what he had to do. it hardly mattered if it was the right thing.)
Ah, there's a lot of very stupid things with it, but I guess-- none of us are really right in the head? I'm sure you've noticed that already. I didn't burn the Mafia down because I haven't really found the time. And speaking of the Port Mafia, I suppose... I should also tell you about Q and Akutagawa. I guess they go into the My Fuck Ups category. Where's my cigarette pack...
[Again -- it's now that matters to her. Not then. People grow and change and regret their past, or try to move past it, or get stuck dwelling on it, but they still change in some way because of it.
She takes a sip of water while he looks for his cigarettes. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing for her to breathe in, but being around Dazai isn't always the healthiest thing in general. It can't be worse than the cigars Mutatsu would smoke, anyway.]
If I had to do all the stuff you had to do when you were my age, I think I'd be messed up, too.
[Just a frank observation. She already knows there are parts of her that probably aren't quite right thanks to what she's been through, but it's nothing compared to Dazai. She cracks a wan little smile at him regardless.]
Akutagawa is the one who'd hate me on principle, right?
If the point is not lying, I'll be honest and tell you -- eh. I care about saving others, and being a good person, but I can't guarantee there is a 'right' way to do any of these things.
(after all, fyodor also thinks he's doing the right thing - even if it will mean the destruction of the world. the annihilation of every ability-user to ever walk.
his fingers, slender, pale, perhaps even elegant pick up one of the sticks from behind the counter, lighting it with not much of a care - they are pretty much dead already, aren't they? what's a little smoke?)
Oh, but I didn't even tell you half of it yet! I'm not even your age yet at this point! Ah, please, relax, there is time until we are both disgusted with my past.
(the words come in laughter, a hand waving before his expression closes in a sigh.)
Yes... That one. I picked him up from poverty when he was fourteen, the place he grew up in was so bad he has lung issues, always coughing around here, and there, and everywhere. You know, the Mafia is not a great place to be brought up in. Either he learned how to think and survive, or he'd perish. I would belittle him, hit him, what I did was not great at all. I thought I was teaching him how to survive, but mostly, I just made him become starved for my validation, and even more stubborn and blood-thirsty. Lately, however, I've been slowly putting him and Atsushi to work together, so there may be another Double Black in case Chuuya and I kick the bucket. I once praised Akutagawa and he passed out, so we see... I did not do a great first mentor job!
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meet me at lupin, it's closed today.
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[It's not that she doesn't get how big this is for Dazai -- it's that it's going to really have to mean something, isn't it? And seeing what happens with Dazai means she'll be able to see what will happen for Ken, too.
So, in short order, she's letting herself into Lupin and heading downstairs to look for him.]
Dazai-san?
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he's not even drinking much, habit rather than necessity, a sip when he yawns from a booth.)
Here!
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But she pauses by the table, tilting her head a little questioningly. Should she slide in the booth next to him for better pets, or across from him for ease of conversation?]
How're you doing?
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(he's babbling, always cheery, always excited, because it feels normal to be like so. this is absolutely terrifying, but if it's a confession, dazai might as well follow it down to the teeth, solely to see what will happen to him at the end.
this might break them. he hates this.
he's not showing it!)
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Let's start with one bottle, hm? [Of water... not what he meant. Her smile fades into something more serious as she slides into the booth across from him, resting her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands.]
Can I see your parchment first? With the updates.
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(he'll roll his eyes, a pout, as if he was a child who refused to tell an adult about its misbehaving.)
I prefer to not be punished, and use the opportunity to get the plan going with my beloved Russian rat.
(EW. WHY ARE YOU CRINGE!!!!!)
Even if none of it it's true, even that in itself is telling.
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[Like, not since she's known him, at least! Shamelessly begging for pets and just being an all-around silly nuisance more often than not. Still, if he doesn't want to show her his parchment, she won't push it. None of it is really her business anyway, but Dazai's the one who picked her to share with.
She wants to ask about what the heck his plan is, but-]
If I ask about the plan with Fyodor-san, are you gonna use it as an excuse to put off telling me what you want to tell me?
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(genius, he'd say easily, but that's not the point. what's important here is something else.)
I can't put it off, anyway. Ready?
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[Well, alright then. She pours a glass of water for Dazai, too, knowing it's not what he wants but it'll be something to occupy his hands once he's done with his actual drink, and settles back in her seat with her own glass.]
Yeah, okay. Whenever you are.
cw just every dazai tw from here on out
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Being 14 wasn't that long ago. Could she have stood silently by while someone murdered-- well, it's hard to imagine. She'd stood there in the wake of the "accident" that had killed her parents, what little she can remember. She doesn't know what she would do.]
What happened after that? [her voice is soft, gentle without being pitying. This is Dazai's story, and he doesn't need her pity. He needs her to listen.]
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I ended up helping him. A year later, I met Chuuya. I manipulated his people so they'd turn their backs on him and he'd come to the Mafia with me.
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Now that you and Chuuya are... you know, how do you feel about? How'd you feel back then?
[It's a gently probing question, asked only because he'd said that the place wanted him to be honest about his feelings; there's no point making him recount all of this if it doesn't even fulfill the dumb requirements set by who-knows-who.]
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I don't feel particularly sorry or bad that I've done that, though. This is a little bit of why I hate this! I don't feel very strongly about most things I've done, truly, but I know most people would or should!
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This isn't about how most people would or should feel, though. It's about you, isn't it?
[She rubs her fingers gently against the glass, venturing after a moment,] Chuuya made it sound like the others were depending on him too much. Did you make them realize that?
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Ah, yes. At the beginning of our mission, I had planned it all out. I made them think Chuuya had joined the Port Mafia they hated so much, so they turned against him and formed an alliance with an enemy of ours. My first job after all that was to annihilate the enemies of the Mafia, but I offered Chuuya safety for the Sheep if he could work beside me and told me how to weaken them. He couldn't really refuse, anyway.
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[Considering the way he talked about his and Chuuya's relationship when they were younger, it doesn't feel totally out of line to think that Dazai lied to him.]
What happened next?
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(it's a little difficult to tell kotone about these things. to him, it's simply facts, strategy, good and bad are things that are so intangible. what he did, shitty, but look at the port mafia then. look at chuuya now. selfishingly, he got chuuya to himself, too. a shrug, as he taps his nails against the wood of the counter.)
We were officially in the Mafia after that. You know, we trained. I'm the best torturer there is, Chuuya is a one-man army... He had a team, you know. They're dead because I sacrificed them for Mori-san's safety. One time, you asked me why did I simply abandon Chuuya, and I told you I couldn't take away his family for the third time. This is what I meant. I made the Sheep disband and put Chuuya in a position where he had no other choice but to be in the Mafia. Then, I had a hand in the murder of the people he loved in the Mafia. I couldn't, you see?
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How much of this does Chuuya know...?
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(he knows she's upset. once he's home, he'll be kind to chuuya. remind him wordlessly that he means the world, and that it boggles one's mind he won't move from dazai's side. boggles dazai's own mind.)
... I think you can understand a little bit better why this is... Not the greatest relationship to ever exist?
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I was sixteen when I was told how to use my powers, [she says finally. It really wasn't that long ago as time passes, but in terms of what she's experienced and what she's learned, it really does feel like a lifetime.] I made a lot of mistakes by doing what I thought was the right thing, or doing what I thought was necessary. It sounds like it was the same for you, right? Even if you knew it wasn't the right thing to do, you had to do it.
If Chuuya knows all of this and still wants to be with you, who am I to say there's something wrong with it? [She shrugs, not dismissively, but as if it only makes sense to draw that conclusion.] That you haven't burnt Port Mafia to the ground means something, I think.
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(these binaries that she brings are always so interesting. good, right, these are concepts in a binary that don't really mean anything to dazai. mistakes were not committed, his plans were flawless, all came out just as he expected, what he had to do. it hardly mattered if it was the right thing.)
Ah, there's a lot of very stupid things with it, but I guess-- none of us are really right in the head? I'm sure you've noticed that already. I didn't burn the Mafia down because I haven't really found the time. And speaking of the Port Mafia, I suppose... I should also tell you about Q and Akutagawa. I guess they go into the My Fuck Ups category. Where's my cigarette pack...
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[Again -- it's now that matters to her. Not then. People grow and change and regret their past, or try to move past it, or get stuck dwelling on it, but they still change in some way because of it.
She takes a sip of water while he looks for his cigarettes. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing for her to breathe in, but being around Dazai isn't always the healthiest thing in general. It can't be worse than the cigars Mutatsu would smoke, anyway.]
If I had to do all the stuff you had to do when you were my age, I think I'd be messed up, too.
[Just a frank observation. She already knows there are parts of her that probably aren't quite right thanks to what she's been through, but it's nothing compared to Dazai. She cracks a wan little smile at him regardless.]
Akutagawa is the one who'd hate me on principle, right?
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(after all, fyodor also thinks he's doing the right thing - even if it will mean the destruction of the world. the annihilation of every ability-user to ever walk.
his fingers, slender, pale, perhaps even elegant pick up one of the sticks from behind the counter, lighting it with not much of a care - they are pretty much dead already, aren't they? what's a little smoke?)
Oh, but I didn't even tell you half of it yet! I'm not even your age yet at this point! Ah, please, relax, there is time until we are both disgusted with my past.
(the words come in laughter, a hand waving before his expression closes in a sigh.)
Yes... That one. I picked him up from poverty when he was fourteen, the place he grew up in was so bad he has lung issues, always coughing around here, and there, and everywhere. You know, the Mafia is not a great place to be brought up in. Either he learned how to think and survive, or he'd perish. I would belittle him, hit him, what I did was not great at all. I thought I was teaching him how to survive, but mostly, I just made him become starved for my validation, and even more stubborn and blood-thirsty. Lately, however, I've been slowly putting him and Atsushi to work together, so there may be another Double Black in case Chuuya and I kick the bucket. I once praised Akutagawa and he passed out, so we see... I did not do a great first mentor job!
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cw headcanons here
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