[He'd told her that once before -- about the murders, at least. At the time, she'd dismissed it as a lie, but... well, it's not exactly a revelation now. She's had months to slowly accept that part of him. And maybe it's showing that she's messed up, too, that it doesn't provoke a stronger reaction. Her brows knit together in concern, but instead of asking for details, she asks,]
How'd you leave that much evidence?
[He's such an expert tactician. Was there a reason he did that, or are there more that aren't included in that number?]
[She wrinkles her nose, but alright. It makes sense the mafia would at least know about his crimes, even if it's just for confirmation. That they betrayed him to the government, and he wanted to get caught, well... That's a little more complicated, but this isn't about that right now. This is about Dazai and how he feels, something he's continuing to leave out of this account of his past.]
And it was meeting Oda-san that convinced you to become a better person, right?
It was his death, instead. I was still horrid, and I couldn't find so much why to be around. The way he spoke was... Interesting. He had no ulterior motive, none, ever. What you see, it's simply what he gets. He found me bleeding half to death, with counterfeit money on me. I told him I was Port Mafia, but it mattered very little. He kept me hostage so I wouldn't die or attempt to while I was healing, and he told me he'd take me to a place that was worth going before one died -- and it was Lupin, in Yokohama. Nothing much, after all, but it wasn't about the place, was it?
(he's so far away as he speaks, almost like being here while he speaks would break his heart so much that he had to leave, hide. behind his eyes, dazai is fighting an invisible war, after all.)
I really did love him so much. It's one of my few regrets that I couldn't stop him when he decided to go into battle. I'd never been more lost in my life.
[She just lets him talk, quiet as she listens. This whole conversation isn't about her; it's not about how it could help her in her journey, or bring her new power, or even teach her something. It's about Dazai, and only Dazai.
Eventually, she reaches out and gently touches the back of his hand, then tries to take it in hers to gently rub her thumb across his knuckles. Just to give him a tangible sign that he's not alone, not now, and if she has her way, not for as long as she still breathes.]
(he allows it. kotone had never been bothered by 'no longer human', not in the way both akira and akechi had been initially. dazai hardly ever allows himself to look so vulnerable, to let someone hear his grievances, his regrets.
he isn't fond of it.)
I blame myself, I blame Mori, and I also blame Ango. I'd shoot him, if he weren't an asset. He's rather lucky I need him.
[It doesn't bother her, not really; her Personas are a part of her, an inextricable link, but maybe it's because she had a piece of Death in her for so long, even without their voices in her heart, she still knows how they would feel. No Longer Human is neither a blessing nor a curse for her, but just a temporary silence, like the petrichor smell of grass immediately after a rainstorm before the sounds of animals return.]
Do you ever think about what you'd have done differently?
(long fingers roam through her knuckles, up, down, up again, and back, up, down, up, down again. what could dazai had done differently? shot ango earlier? taken over the port mafia? held odasaku until there was no way he could have gone? -- absolutely not. having the possibility of odasaku renounce him would be just as earth-shattering than hearing what he told dazai as his last breath drawn.)
... I couldn't have done anything, Koto-chan. I wouldn't even change it if I had the power to. He lost his will, after all, broke his promise, and lost the children he sworn to protect, in front of his eyes. Then, what could I even have done?
... Then I rigged Chuuya's car to explode, as a means to prove he had nothing to do with it, and I went to Yakultia with Fyodor for two years, to lay low.
[So he'd thought about it before. How many times had he dwelled on this particular, unchangeable fact of life?
She lets him play with her fingers however he likes without resistance, just nodding and listening to him speak. There's a part of her that's distantly horrified at the idea of him trying to blow up Chuuya's car, but a larger part of her that is more exasperated than not. Typical Dazai.]
Simple. People would think he'd be in, but I made him rather vocal, very pissed, and made it very known, because Chuuya's voice knows no decibels. He was clear from suspicion after that.
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How'd you leave that much evidence?
[He's such an expert tactician. Was there a reason he did that, or are there more that aren't included in that number?]
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(a little complicated. it's not the best place to explain the politics of yokohama and ability users.)
... Ah, then I met Odasaku.
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And it was meeting Oda-san that convinced you to become a better person, right?
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(he's so far away as he speaks, almost like being here while he speaks would break his heart so much that he had to leave, hide. behind his eyes, dazai is fighting an invisible war, after all.)
I really did love him so much. It's one of my few regrets that I couldn't stop him when he decided to go into battle. I'd never been more lost in my life.
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Eventually, she reaches out and gently touches the back of his hand, then tries to take it in hers to gently rub her thumb across his knuckles. Just to give him a tangible sign that he's not alone, not now, and if she has her way, not for as long as she still breathes.]
Do you blame yourself? [asked very, very softly.]
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he isn't fond of it.)
I blame myself, I blame Mori, and I also blame Ango. I'd shoot him, if he weren't an asset. He's rather lucky I need him.
(the goal is honesty, after all.)
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Do you ever think about what you'd have done differently?
cw headcanons here
... I couldn't have done anything, Koto-chan. I wouldn't even change it if I had the power to. He lost his will, after all, broke his promise, and lost the children he sworn to protect, in front of his eyes. Then, what could I even have done?
... Then I rigged Chuuya's car to explode, as a means to prove he had nothing to do with it, and I went to Yakultia with Fyodor for two years, to lay low.
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She lets him play with her fingers however he likes without resistance, just nodding and listening to him speak. There's a part of her that's distantly horrified at the idea of him trying to blow up Chuuya's car, but a larger part of her that is more exasperated than not. Typical Dazai.]
How did that prove anything?
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[In his own Dazai way, maybe, but it's hard not to think that after it all.
She turns her hand over and takes his in both of hers, playing with his fingers this time like he'd been doing with her own.]
And that's how you got so close to Fyodor-san.