[It's hard to say why that bothers her so much more than his other confessions. Again, maybe it's because Chuuya is the center of those, and Chuuya is here to make his own decisions. This Akutagawa isn't here, and he's clearly still struggling with it all if what Dazai's said is accurate. She presses her lips tightly together, but just nods. She can't do anything about it at the moment, but she is going to try to talk to him herself, should she ever meet him.]
Obviously you've learned from that, though, [she says finally with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.] You haven't tried shooting me yet.
(it's both a piece of guidance and a request ad he takes the deepest drag from his cigarette, almost like he could blacken his entire lung in a single go.)
We dealt with people who wouldn't think twice if you were a kid, you could get tortured all the same. If he couldn't defend himself, he wouldn't survive. If he didn't think of other non-lethal options, he wouldn't have survived either. Killing is not the only thing that wins a war. He couldn't understand those. What I did was wrong, but I was trying to ensure he'd still breathe years later.
I am no longer in that place, no longer that person, neither do you require me to show you anything remotely similar. Please, do not put yourself in Akutagawa's shoes as my mentee.
[It's a simple statement, because yeah, she knows their circumstances are far different, but she can't help empathizing with Akutagawa. If it hadn't been for Dazai's teaching, would he have survived? Is it better to have survived the way he did? She can't answer those questions without meeting the man in question.]
(unfortunately, he wouldn't have survived. he'd have no purpose to live, nothing to push him towards anything, a goal, and his ability wouldn't have developed enough to make him valuable. he's slightly upset that kotone did mention that he hasn't shot her yet, but it couldn't be helped when he was telling her something as upsetting as this.)
[Kotone would argue that one doesn't need to be valuable to have a purpose to live, but it is what it is. Everyone needs to find their own purpose, and it sounds like what Dazai did to him made it harder for him to find something for himself, not easier. But she nods, rubbing a bit more condensation from the glass she hasn't needed to drink from.]
Of course. Who else is there? [Scott? Akira? Goro? No way. Any of them would hear it, and they'd probably respond like normal people -- hatred, disgust, or in Goro's case, a self-righteous of course. No, it has to be her, like he'd said.]
(he's chosen kotone specifically because there's no reason to tell this to the people who had been there, who knew. it's hardly a confession when the others don't necessarily see it through more ordinary eyes. mafioso, terrorist, terrorist, terrorist--...
he sighs, because she's right.)
Alright. We're reaching the end of my Mafia days. I'm currently arrested at the moment for 136 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 626 cases of fraud, amongst others. It's what they could trace to me directly. I'm awfully good at this, you see.
[He'd told her that once before -- about the murders, at least. At the time, she'd dismissed it as a lie, but... well, it's not exactly a revelation now. She's had months to slowly accept that part of him. And maybe it's showing that she's messed up, too, that it doesn't provoke a stronger reaction. Her brows knit together in concern, but instead of asking for details, she asks,]
How'd you leave that much evidence?
[He's such an expert tactician. Was there a reason he did that, or are there more that aren't included in that number?]
[She wrinkles her nose, but alright. It makes sense the mafia would at least know about his crimes, even if it's just for confirmation. That they betrayed him to the government, and he wanted to get caught, well... That's a little more complicated, but this isn't about that right now. This is about Dazai and how he feels, something he's continuing to leave out of this account of his past.]
And it was meeting Oda-san that convinced you to become a better person, right?
It was his death, instead. I was still horrid, and I couldn't find so much why to be around. The way he spoke was... Interesting. He had no ulterior motive, none, ever. What you see, it's simply what he gets. He found me bleeding half to death, with counterfeit money on me. I told him I was Port Mafia, but it mattered very little. He kept me hostage so I wouldn't die or attempt to while I was healing, and he told me he'd take me to a place that was worth going before one died -- and it was Lupin, in Yokohama. Nothing much, after all, but it wasn't about the place, was it?
(he's so far away as he speaks, almost like being here while he speaks would break his heart so much that he had to leave, hide. behind his eyes, dazai is fighting an invisible war, after all.)
I really did love him so much. It's one of my few regrets that I couldn't stop him when he decided to go into battle. I'd never been more lost in my life.
[She just lets him talk, quiet as she listens. This whole conversation isn't about her; it's not about how it could help her in her journey, or bring her new power, or even teach her something. It's about Dazai, and only Dazai.
Eventually, she reaches out and gently touches the back of his hand, then tries to take it in hers to gently rub her thumb across his knuckles. Just to give him a tangible sign that he's not alone, not now, and if she has her way, not for as long as she still breathes.]
(he allows it. kotone had never been bothered by 'no longer human', not in the way both akira and akechi had been initially. dazai hardly ever allows himself to look so vulnerable, to let someone hear his grievances, his regrets.
he isn't fond of it.)
I blame myself, I blame Mori, and I also blame Ango. I'd shoot him, if he weren't an asset. He's rather lucky I need him.
[It doesn't bother her, not really; her Personas are a part of her, an inextricable link, but maybe it's because she had a piece of Death in her for so long, even without their voices in her heart, she still knows how they would feel. No Longer Human is neither a blessing nor a curse for her, but just a temporary silence, like the petrichor smell of grass immediately after a rainstorm before the sounds of animals return.]
Do you ever think about what you'd have done differently?
(long fingers roam through her knuckles, up, down, up again, and back, up, down, up, down again. what could dazai had done differently? shot ango earlier? taken over the port mafia? held odasaku until there was no way he could have gone? -- absolutely not. having the possibility of odasaku renounce him would be just as earth-shattering than hearing what he told dazai as his last breath drawn.)
... I couldn't have done anything, Koto-chan. I wouldn't even change it if I had the power to. He lost his will, after all, broke his promise, and lost the children he sworn to protect, in front of his eyes. Then, what could I even have done?
... Then I rigged Chuuya's car to explode, as a means to prove he had nothing to do with it, and I went to Yakultia with Fyodor for two years, to lay low.
[So he'd thought about it before. How many times had he dwelled on this particular, unchangeable fact of life?
She lets him play with her fingers however he likes without resistance, just nodding and listening to him speak. There's a part of her that's distantly horrified at the idea of him trying to blow up Chuuya's car, but a larger part of her that is more exasperated than not. Typical Dazai.]
Simple. People would think he'd be in, but I made him rather vocal, very pissed, and made it very known, because Chuuya's voice knows no decibels. He was clear from suspicion after that.
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Obviously you've learned from that, though, [she says finally with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.] You haven't tried shooting me yet.
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(it's both a piece of guidance and a request ad he takes the deepest drag from his cigarette, almost like he could blacken his entire lung in a single go.)
We dealt with people who wouldn't think twice if you were a kid, you could get tortured all the same. If he couldn't defend himself, he wouldn't survive. If he didn't think of other non-lethal options, he wouldn't have survived either. Killing is not the only thing that wins a war. He couldn't understand those. What I did was wrong, but I was trying to ensure he'd still breathe years later.
I am no longer in that place, no longer that person, neither do you require me to show you anything remotely similar. Please, do not put yourself in Akutagawa's shoes as my mentee.
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[It's a simple statement, because yeah, she knows their circumstances are far different, but she can't help empathizing with Akutagawa. If it hadn't been for Dazai's teaching, would he have survived? Is it better to have survived the way he did? She can't answer those questions without meeting the man in question.]
But I'm glad you've changed.
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Are you sure you want to keep going?
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Of course. Who else is there? [Scott? Akira? Goro? No way. Any of them would hear it, and they'd probably respond like normal people -- hatred, disgust, or in Goro's case, a self-righteous of course. No, it has to be her, like he'd said.]
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he sighs, because she's right.)
Alright. We're reaching the end of my Mafia days. I'm currently arrested at the moment for 136 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 626 cases of fraud, amongst others. It's what they could trace to me directly. I'm awfully good at this, you see.
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How'd you leave that much evidence?
[He's such an expert tactician. Was there a reason he did that, or are there more that aren't included in that number?]
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(a little complicated. it's not the best place to explain the politics of yokohama and ability users.)
... Ah, then I met Odasaku.
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And it was meeting Oda-san that convinced you to become a better person, right?
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(he's so far away as he speaks, almost like being here while he speaks would break his heart so much that he had to leave, hide. behind his eyes, dazai is fighting an invisible war, after all.)
I really did love him so much. It's one of my few regrets that I couldn't stop him when he decided to go into battle. I'd never been more lost in my life.
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Eventually, she reaches out and gently touches the back of his hand, then tries to take it in hers to gently rub her thumb across his knuckles. Just to give him a tangible sign that he's not alone, not now, and if she has her way, not for as long as she still breathes.]
Do you blame yourself? [asked very, very softly.]
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he isn't fond of it.)
I blame myself, I blame Mori, and I also blame Ango. I'd shoot him, if he weren't an asset. He's rather lucky I need him.
(the goal is honesty, after all.)
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Do you ever think about what you'd have done differently?
cw headcanons here
... I couldn't have done anything, Koto-chan. I wouldn't even change it if I had the power to. He lost his will, after all, broke his promise, and lost the children he sworn to protect, in front of his eyes. Then, what could I even have done?
... Then I rigged Chuuya's car to explode, as a means to prove he had nothing to do with it, and I went to Yakultia with Fyodor for two years, to lay low.
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She lets him play with her fingers however he likes without resistance, just nodding and listening to him speak. There's a part of her that's distantly horrified at the idea of him trying to blow up Chuuya's car, but a larger part of her that is more exasperated than not. Typical Dazai.]
How did that prove anything?
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[In his own Dazai way, maybe, but it's hard not to think that after it all.
She turns her hand over and takes his in both of hers, playing with his fingers this time like he'd been doing with her own.]
And that's how you got so close to Fyodor-san.