[Dazai of all people should be familiar with her expression; her brows knit and her lips thin into the vague distress that manifests when she doesn't know how to express her emotions properly. It hurts to think about; a hand goes to her heart as it aches in sympathy for Chuuya.]
All of it. I suppose we were... Sixteen. About your age, right? We didn't get much of a chance to be kids, you see, when this is what we had been dealing with since we were so young. I myself would love to make the Port Mafia burn, I'm very sick and tired of its existence-- Chuuya would not be particularly happy, though.
(he knows she's upset. once he's home, he'll be kind to chuuya. remind him wordlessly that he means the world, and that it boggles one's mind he won't move from dazai's side. boggles dazai's own mind.)
... I think you can understand a little bit better why this is... Not the greatest relationship to ever exist?
[Weirdly enough, the furrow to her brow eases somewhat when he says Chuuya knows about all of it already. If this was some kind of big secret that she was supposed to keep, then... it would be a lot more difficult. But-]
I was sixteen when I was told how to use my powers, [she says finally. It really wasn't that long ago as time passes, but in terms of what she's experienced and what she's learned, it really does feel like a lifetime.] I made a lot of mistakes by doing what I thought was the right thing, or doing what I thought was necessary. It sounds like it was the same for you, right? Even if you knew it wasn't the right thing to do, you had to do it.
If Chuuya knows all of this and still wants to be with you, who am I to say there's something wrong with it? [She shrugs, not dismissively, but as if it only makes sense to draw that conclusion.] That you haven't burnt Port Mafia to the ground means something, I think.
(these binaries that she brings are always so interesting. good, right, these are concepts in a binary that don't really mean anything to dazai. mistakes were not committed, his plans were flawless, all came out just as he expected, what he had to do. it hardly mattered if it was the right thing.)
Ah, there's a lot of very stupid things with it, but I guess-- none of us are really right in the head? I'm sure you've noticed that already. I didn't burn the Mafia down because I haven't really found the time. And speaking of the Port Mafia, I suppose... I should also tell you about Q and Akutagawa. I guess they go into the My Fuck Ups category. Where's my cigarette pack...
[Again -- it's now that matters to her. Not then. People grow and change and regret their past, or try to move past it, or get stuck dwelling on it, but they still change in some way because of it.
She takes a sip of water while he looks for his cigarettes. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing for her to breathe in, but being around Dazai isn't always the healthiest thing in general. It can't be worse than the cigars Mutatsu would smoke, anyway.]
If I had to do all the stuff you had to do when you were my age, I think I'd be messed up, too.
[Just a frank observation. She already knows there are parts of her that probably aren't quite right thanks to what she's been through, but it's nothing compared to Dazai. She cracks a wan little smile at him regardless.]
Akutagawa is the one who'd hate me on principle, right?
If the point is not lying, I'll be honest and tell you -- eh. I care about saving others, and being a good person, but I can't guarantee there is a 'right' way to do any of these things.
(after all, fyodor also thinks he's doing the right thing - even if it will mean the destruction of the world. the annihilation of every ability-user to ever walk.
his fingers, slender, pale, perhaps even elegant pick up one of the sticks from behind the counter, lighting it with not much of a care - they are pretty much dead already, aren't they? what's a little smoke?)
Oh, but I didn't even tell you half of it yet! I'm not even your age yet at this point! Ah, please, relax, there is time until we are both disgusted with my past.
(the words come in laughter, a hand waving before his expression closes in a sigh.)
Yes... That one. I picked him up from poverty when he was fourteen, the place he grew up in was so bad he has lung issues, always coughing around here, and there, and everywhere. You know, the Mafia is not a great place to be brought up in. Either he learned how to think and survive, or he'd perish. I would belittle him, hit him, what I did was not great at all. I thought I was teaching him how to survive, but mostly, I just made him become starved for my validation, and even more stubborn and blood-thirsty. Lately, however, I've been slowly putting him and Atsushi to work together, so there may be another Double Black in case Chuuya and I kick the bucket. I once praised Akutagawa and he passed out, so we see... I did not do a great first mentor job!
[Right and wrong... they seem really complicated. She doesn't know if she can easily tell the difference sometimes. Isn't it really subjective? But as long as Dazai's trying to save people, trying to be a good person, isn't that effort worth something?
She hums softly and taps her fingernails against the side of her water glass as she watches him. He really does think she'll be disgusted with him, doesn't he?
Closing her eyes, she looks pained for a moment imagining Dazai doing all those things, but she can't imagine he did them just out of a sadistic desire to inflict harm. What it really makes her question is,]
Did people do that to you? Is that why you thought that's what you had to teach him?
Oh, of course not. Akutagawa's problem was much more different than mine. He kills first, attacks first, asks questions later. His ability is incredible and versatile, but he couldn't use it for defense, only for killing. So, I mostly called him trash and shot him a bunch so he could learn -- and, ah, it did not work at all. Thankfully, I've done a much better job with Atsushi, and he's the one who has been rubbing on Akutagawa's face that I'm not so into him because he has never learned otherwise. It's been good on him thus far.
[She sits up a little straighter, because the other things he described, while awful, were directly related to Chuuya, and something Chuuya had clearly, if not forgiven him for, at least accepted about him. But this is still a problem, clearly, and-]
What did you think he'd learn from that?
[And why is it up to Atsushi to fix that problem, and not Dazai himself?]
In my young mind, I thought he'd learn to survive. Clearly, didn't work as intended. He survives alright, but still can't see much past red.
(it's simple - because akutagawa is blind when it comes to dazai. dazai's methods had been brutal. akutagawa can't even shower and be vulnerable without clothes that grant him his demon.
dazai acknowledging him would be positive reinforcement for a behavior he won't change. dazai telling him what he has for years won't reach his mind.)
[It's hard to say why that bothers her so much more than his other confessions. Again, maybe it's because Chuuya is the center of those, and Chuuya is here to make his own decisions. This Akutagawa isn't here, and he's clearly still struggling with it all if what Dazai's said is accurate. She presses her lips tightly together, but just nods. She can't do anything about it at the moment, but she is going to try to talk to him herself, should she ever meet him.]
Obviously you've learned from that, though, [she says finally with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.] You haven't tried shooting me yet.
(it's both a piece of guidance and a request ad he takes the deepest drag from his cigarette, almost like he could blacken his entire lung in a single go.)
We dealt with people who wouldn't think twice if you were a kid, you could get tortured all the same. If he couldn't defend himself, he wouldn't survive. If he didn't think of other non-lethal options, he wouldn't have survived either. Killing is not the only thing that wins a war. He couldn't understand those. What I did was wrong, but I was trying to ensure he'd still breathe years later.
I am no longer in that place, no longer that person, neither do you require me to show you anything remotely similar. Please, do not put yourself in Akutagawa's shoes as my mentee.
[It's a simple statement, because yeah, she knows their circumstances are far different, but she can't help empathizing with Akutagawa. If it hadn't been for Dazai's teaching, would he have survived? Is it better to have survived the way he did? She can't answer those questions without meeting the man in question.]
(unfortunately, he wouldn't have survived. he'd have no purpose to live, nothing to push him towards anything, a goal, and his ability wouldn't have developed enough to make him valuable. he's slightly upset that kotone did mention that he hasn't shot her yet, but it couldn't be helped when he was telling her something as upsetting as this.)
[Kotone would argue that one doesn't need to be valuable to have a purpose to live, but it is what it is. Everyone needs to find their own purpose, and it sounds like what Dazai did to him made it harder for him to find something for himself, not easier. But she nods, rubbing a bit more condensation from the glass she hasn't needed to drink from.]
Of course. Who else is there? [Scott? Akira? Goro? No way. Any of them would hear it, and they'd probably respond like normal people -- hatred, disgust, or in Goro's case, a self-righteous of course. No, it has to be her, like he'd said.]
(he's chosen kotone specifically because there's no reason to tell this to the people who had been there, who knew. it's hardly a confession when the others don't necessarily see it through more ordinary eyes. mafioso, terrorist, terrorist, terrorist--...
he sighs, because she's right.)
Alright. We're reaching the end of my Mafia days. I'm currently arrested at the moment for 136 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 626 cases of fraud, amongst others. It's what they could trace to me directly. I'm awfully good at this, you see.
[He'd told her that once before -- about the murders, at least. At the time, she'd dismissed it as a lie, but... well, it's not exactly a revelation now. She's had months to slowly accept that part of him. And maybe it's showing that she's messed up, too, that it doesn't provoke a stronger reaction. Her brows knit together in concern, but instead of asking for details, she asks,]
How'd you leave that much evidence?
[He's such an expert tactician. Was there a reason he did that, or are there more that aren't included in that number?]
[She wrinkles her nose, but alright. It makes sense the mafia would at least know about his crimes, even if it's just for confirmation. That they betrayed him to the government, and he wanted to get caught, well... That's a little more complicated, but this isn't about that right now. This is about Dazai and how he feels, something he's continuing to leave out of this account of his past.]
And it was meeting Oda-san that convinced you to become a better person, right?
It was his death, instead. I was still horrid, and I couldn't find so much why to be around. The way he spoke was... Interesting. He had no ulterior motive, none, ever. What you see, it's simply what he gets. He found me bleeding half to death, with counterfeit money on me. I told him I was Port Mafia, but it mattered very little. He kept me hostage so I wouldn't die or attempt to while I was healing, and he told me he'd take me to a place that was worth going before one died -- and it was Lupin, in Yokohama. Nothing much, after all, but it wasn't about the place, was it?
(he's so far away as he speaks, almost like being here while he speaks would break his heart so much that he had to leave, hide. behind his eyes, dazai is fighting an invisible war, after all.)
I really did love him so much. It's one of my few regrets that I couldn't stop him when he decided to go into battle. I'd never been more lost in my life.
[She just lets him talk, quiet as she listens. This whole conversation isn't about her; it's not about how it could help her in her journey, or bring her new power, or even teach her something. It's about Dazai, and only Dazai.
Eventually, she reaches out and gently touches the back of his hand, then tries to take it in hers to gently rub her thumb across his knuckles. Just to give him a tangible sign that he's not alone, not now, and if she has her way, not for as long as she still breathes.]
(he allows it. kotone had never been bothered by 'no longer human', not in the way both akira and akechi had been initially. dazai hardly ever allows himself to look so vulnerable, to let someone hear his grievances, his regrets.
he isn't fond of it.)
I blame myself, I blame Mori, and I also blame Ango. I'd shoot him, if he weren't an asset. He's rather lucky I need him.
[It doesn't bother her, not really; her Personas are a part of her, an inextricable link, but maybe it's because she had a piece of Death in her for so long, even without their voices in her heart, she still knows how they would feel. No Longer Human is neither a blessing nor a curse for her, but just a temporary silence, like the petrichor smell of grass immediately after a rainstorm before the sounds of animals return.]
Do you ever think about what you'd have done differently?
(long fingers roam through her knuckles, up, down, up again, and back, up, down, up, down again. what could dazai had done differently? shot ango earlier? taken over the port mafia? held odasaku until there was no way he could have gone? -- absolutely not. having the possibility of odasaku renounce him would be just as earth-shattering than hearing what he told dazai as his last breath drawn.)
... I couldn't have done anything, Koto-chan. I wouldn't even change it if I had the power to. He lost his will, after all, broke his promise, and lost the children he sworn to protect, in front of his eyes. Then, what could I even have done?
... Then I rigged Chuuya's car to explode, as a means to prove he had nothing to do with it, and I went to Yakultia with Fyodor for two years, to lay low.
[So he'd thought about it before. How many times had he dwelled on this particular, unchangeable fact of life?
She lets him play with her fingers however he likes without resistance, just nodding and listening to him speak. There's a part of her that's distantly horrified at the idea of him trying to blow up Chuuya's car, but a larger part of her that is more exasperated than not. Typical Dazai.]
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How much of this does Chuuya know...?
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(he knows she's upset. once he's home, he'll be kind to chuuya. remind him wordlessly that he means the world, and that it boggles one's mind he won't move from dazai's side. boggles dazai's own mind.)
... I think you can understand a little bit better why this is... Not the greatest relationship to ever exist?
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I was sixteen when I was told how to use my powers, [she says finally. It really wasn't that long ago as time passes, but in terms of what she's experienced and what she's learned, it really does feel like a lifetime.] I made a lot of mistakes by doing what I thought was the right thing, or doing what I thought was necessary. It sounds like it was the same for you, right? Even if you knew it wasn't the right thing to do, you had to do it.
If Chuuya knows all of this and still wants to be with you, who am I to say there's something wrong with it? [She shrugs, not dismissively, but as if it only makes sense to draw that conclusion.] That you haven't burnt Port Mafia to the ground means something, I think.
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(these binaries that she brings are always so interesting. good, right, these are concepts in a binary that don't really mean anything to dazai. mistakes were not committed, his plans were flawless, all came out just as he expected, what he had to do. it hardly mattered if it was the right thing.)
Ah, there's a lot of very stupid things with it, but I guess-- none of us are really right in the head? I'm sure you've noticed that already. I didn't burn the Mafia down because I haven't really found the time. And speaking of the Port Mafia, I suppose... I should also tell you about Q and Akutagawa. I guess they go into the My Fuck Ups category. Where's my cigarette pack...
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[Again -- it's now that matters to her. Not then. People grow and change and regret their past, or try to move past it, or get stuck dwelling on it, but they still change in some way because of it.
She takes a sip of water while he looks for his cigarettes. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing for her to breathe in, but being around Dazai isn't always the healthiest thing in general. It can't be worse than the cigars Mutatsu would smoke, anyway.]
If I had to do all the stuff you had to do when you were my age, I think I'd be messed up, too.
[Just a frank observation. She already knows there are parts of her that probably aren't quite right thanks to what she's been through, but it's nothing compared to Dazai. She cracks a wan little smile at him regardless.]
Akutagawa is the one who'd hate me on principle, right?
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(after all, fyodor also thinks he's doing the right thing - even if it will mean the destruction of the world. the annihilation of every ability-user to ever walk.
his fingers, slender, pale, perhaps even elegant pick up one of the sticks from behind the counter, lighting it with not much of a care - they are pretty much dead already, aren't they? what's a little smoke?)
Oh, but I didn't even tell you half of it yet! I'm not even your age yet at this point! Ah, please, relax, there is time until we are both disgusted with my past.
(the words come in laughter, a hand waving before his expression closes in a sigh.)
Yes... That one. I picked him up from poverty when he was fourteen, the place he grew up in was so bad he has lung issues, always coughing around here, and there, and everywhere. You know, the Mafia is not a great place to be brought up in. Either he learned how to think and survive, or he'd perish. I would belittle him, hit him, what I did was not great at all. I thought I was teaching him how to survive, but mostly, I just made him become starved for my validation, and even more stubborn and blood-thirsty. Lately, however, I've been slowly putting him and Atsushi to work together, so there may be another Double Black in case Chuuya and I kick the bucket. I once praised Akutagawa and he passed out, so we see... I did not do a great first mentor job!
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She hums softly and taps her fingernails against the side of her water glass as she watches him. He really does think she'll be disgusted with him, doesn't he?
Closing her eyes, she looks pained for a moment imagining Dazai doing all those things, but she can't imagine he did them just out of a sadistic desire to inflict harm. What it really makes her question is,]
Did people do that to you? Is that why you thought that's what you had to teach him?
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[She sits up a little straighter, because the other things he described, while awful, were directly related to Chuuya, and something Chuuya had clearly, if not forgiven him for, at least accepted about him. But this is still a problem, clearly, and-]
What did you think he'd learn from that?
[And why is it up to Atsushi to fix that problem, and not Dazai himself?]
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(it's simple - because akutagawa is blind when it comes to dazai. dazai's methods had been brutal. akutagawa can't even shower and be vulnerable without clothes that grant him his demon.
dazai acknowledging him would be positive reinforcement for a behavior he won't change. dazai telling him what he has for years won't reach his mind.)
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Obviously you've learned from that, though, [she says finally with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.] You haven't tried shooting me yet.
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(it's both a piece of guidance and a request ad he takes the deepest drag from his cigarette, almost like he could blacken his entire lung in a single go.)
We dealt with people who wouldn't think twice if you were a kid, you could get tortured all the same. If he couldn't defend himself, he wouldn't survive. If he didn't think of other non-lethal options, he wouldn't have survived either. Killing is not the only thing that wins a war. He couldn't understand those. What I did was wrong, but I was trying to ensure he'd still breathe years later.
I am no longer in that place, no longer that person, neither do you require me to show you anything remotely similar. Please, do not put yourself in Akutagawa's shoes as my mentee.
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[It's a simple statement, because yeah, she knows their circumstances are far different, but she can't help empathizing with Akutagawa. If it hadn't been for Dazai's teaching, would he have survived? Is it better to have survived the way he did? She can't answer those questions without meeting the man in question.]
But I'm glad you've changed.
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Are you sure you want to keep going?
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Of course. Who else is there? [Scott? Akira? Goro? No way. Any of them would hear it, and they'd probably respond like normal people -- hatred, disgust, or in Goro's case, a self-righteous of course. No, it has to be her, like he'd said.]
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he sighs, because she's right.)
Alright. We're reaching the end of my Mafia days. I'm currently arrested at the moment for 136 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 626 cases of fraud, amongst others. It's what they could trace to me directly. I'm awfully good at this, you see.
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How'd you leave that much evidence?
[He's such an expert tactician. Was there a reason he did that, or are there more that aren't included in that number?]
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(a little complicated. it's not the best place to explain the politics of yokohama and ability users.)
... Ah, then I met Odasaku.
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And it was meeting Oda-san that convinced you to become a better person, right?
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(he's so far away as he speaks, almost like being here while he speaks would break his heart so much that he had to leave, hide. behind his eyes, dazai is fighting an invisible war, after all.)
I really did love him so much. It's one of my few regrets that I couldn't stop him when he decided to go into battle. I'd never been more lost in my life.
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Eventually, she reaches out and gently touches the back of his hand, then tries to take it in hers to gently rub her thumb across his knuckles. Just to give him a tangible sign that he's not alone, not now, and if she has her way, not for as long as she still breathes.]
Do you blame yourself? [asked very, very softly.]
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he isn't fond of it.)
I blame myself, I blame Mori, and I also blame Ango. I'd shoot him, if he weren't an asset. He's rather lucky I need him.
(the goal is honesty, after all.)
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Do you ever think about what you'd have done differently?
cw headcanons here
... I couldn't have done anything, Koto-chan. I wouldn't even change it if I had the power to. He lost his will, after all, broke his promise, and lost the children he sworn to protect, in front of his eyes. Then, what could I even have done?
... Then I rigged Chuuya's car to explode, as a means to prove he had nothing to do with it, and I went to Yakultia with Fyodor for two years, to lay low.
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She lets him play with her fingers however he likes without resistance, just nodding and listening to him speak. There's a part of her that's distantly horrified at the idea of him trying to blow up Chuuya's car, but a larger part of her that is more exasperated than not. Typical Dazai.]
How did that prove anything?
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