[She snorts a laugh, a little surprised by how accepting he is of it, though the laughter dies a little too quickly at the next question. Well. It isn't like she'd pulled a trigger, it isn't like the Avatar they'd fought and killed had been Ryoji anymore, but...]
[Still a little caught up in her thoughts about whether or not letting Ryoji walk out the door on New Year's Eve had been murder or not, she only manages a little laugh in response, resting her chin in her hand and shaking her head.]
(oh, kotone, your silence and expression speaks volumes. he leaves it at that, in the air whether he was joking or not, although his tone is more on the playful side.)
If you have to think that hard, the answer is most likely not.
Even if there was such a thing, I did tell you about 'No Longer Human'. I'd be powerless by a simple matter of definition. I'd say it's a skill rather than a power. If you want to become better at hiding things from a keen eye, which I know you try, I can teach you, or you can just be honest with me sometimes. That works, too.
(a beat, another, and he sips, obnoxiously making that slurping noise.)
If you're willing to be forthcoming about the deity situation, you'd help me a great deal. I'm here with another person who is highly intelligent, and also very religious. It'd be something to debate.
You want to make me better at the so-called crime they're accusing me of?
[That's... kind of funny, really, even if she still doesn't quite know how to handle the idea of something as simple as maybe not answering questions in the most straightforward way being considered, "lying." She frowns at him even still, though, not entirely fond of the implication.]
Whether omission is a form of lying is a large debate of philosophers, you know.
(or it isn't. she might not be a liar, but he is. a bullshitter, through, and through, and through.)
I don't want anything. I can see right through you either way. Well, if you don't want my help, or to help me! I guess I'll just quietly drink my drink!
[Why does it feel like such a big deal to talk about what she went through? He won't believe her anyway. He'll think she's crazy, probably, or an idiot. If she had any of his respect, it would probably be lost whether she said anything or not. It also feels like a lot of it isn't her secret to tell, at least not without Mitsuru around to okay it.
But who knows if she'll ever get to see anyone from SEES again...? Her shoulders tighten with some of the stiffness that Shinji's called her out on before, the one that results from realizing that once again, it's all on her as the leader, a role she never wanted and didn't even ask for.]
If I tell you some things, do you promise to believe me?
(he just told her a lot to make it so that most things that are considered ludicrous are simply normal to him. gods, authors, powers. why wouldn't he believe her? but instead of pushing harder, he'll just pull out the chair next to him and pat it.
hell, he'll even slide her whatever drink she might want.)
I'll even answer a question, any question, very truthfully. Deal?
Because the Japan that I'm from doesn't have things like you talked about. It's just... normal.
[She still has her coffee, and while she doesn't get the point of moving from sitting across from him to sitting beside him, she does it anyway. It'll make it easier to avoid his eyes if she feels like she has to later on, anyway. She slides her cup closer to her and wraps her hands around it, taking a small breath before nodding. Deal.]
I thought it might be a test because about a year ago, I was given a contract to sign by... someone I later learned was part of the avatar of Death. He was trying to help me, though, I think, in his own way. It's what enabled me to meet two... I don't know if I can call them gods, but they exist in a realm outside of ours. They can manipulate something like tarot cards to summon things that are from the human collective unconscious and give me their power. Those two were supposed to help me on whatever my quest would be. A journey of self-discovery, I think, based on the arcana.
[She's choosing her words very carefully, not with the intent of lying by omission, but rather to try to make something stupidly complicated into something easy to explain. That, and something that only talks about her part, and none of the others'.]
What I'm getting at is that those two could fuse together and summon all kinds of creatures from myth and legend so I could use their power. Beasts, gods, heroes... [She taps the side of her head with two fingers in a gesture that almost, but not quite, looks like she's formed her hand into the shape of a gun for just a second before wrapping her fingers around her coffee cup again.] They became a part of me, temporarily.
(the face he makes is not one of disbelief, but rather, one that is buffering the information she's giving him. he's fought so many things up to this point, nothing sounds improbable, and knowing what he knows about the diversity of universes that are behind them, around them, made from them... he won't ever think this is unbelievable. rather, his brain works to put together information. carl jung. archetypes. lionel corbett. gods.
I told you it was supposed to be a journey, right? I reached the end of it. They were supposed to guide me on that journey, and because it was supposed to be over, they said their goodbyes.
[She shrugs, feigning a nonchalance she doesn't really feel. It all loops back around. She was supposed to be finished with all of this, all this self-discovery, all this exhaustion, all these otherworldly beings using her or guiding her or fighting her. That's all part of it, but more than anything else-]
I miss them. Well, one of them more than the other, really.
[Igor was weird and cryptic, but Theo... well. There will always be a special place in her heart for him.]
The end of your journey from the god of Death - I assume that will be dying itself.
(and that explains quite a lot. it's a sigh that leaves him, a hand on her shoulder, something that should some people see, it would send them into a rage. he's not been this kind in his past.)
[Her voice is soft, but not small, just an admission of fact. That's how it is. When he says it, it sounds obvious. Of course it couldn't have ended for her any other way.]
Anyway, I guess you can tell your friend that all the mythological figures from history can be fused together into different ones. Just don't say it was me who said it.
I thought you were more like me, but seems like not so much. It was coping rather than acceptance, correct?
(there, there, kotone. he smiles, just a little, before he shakes his head.)
I believe what will be of most importance to him is the God of Death giving you this journey. Well, I might not tell him at all. He already believes he's on a journey from God, anyway.
(but he waves a hand, the smile growing.)
Well, I might lie a lot, but never on negotiations. What is your question, young lady?
[That's a very important distinction to her, because while she'll accept that Pharos and Ryoji were part of the same being, even after fighting The Appraiser, she refuses to treat him as anything other than his own person. Ryoji is more than Nyx.
And she'd argue that no, she had accepted it, she just hadn't accepted this. But even she can tell that's a circular argument, so she doesn't bother.]
Can I save my question for another time? Or do I have to ask it now?
(if he knows someone has such a mission, dazai feels like fyodor will shower her with questions, and find even more purpose in his own journey. it is not an individual one, like her own.)
Nope! You have to ask now, you'll find more things to ask later! And then you can just surprise me like that! It benefits me greatly like this.
[She picks up her coffee to buy some time to think, still a little on edge from telling him about all of... that. He believed her, or claimed to, anyway, and she's certain she didn't give him enough detail that he can bother Shinji about it. She made it sound like it was just her, not a whole team. It's her problem to deal with, not his.
Eventually she asks,] Why did you invite me out? The real reason you want to talk to me. What do you get out of it?
(all this suspense, and he's building it, his voice almost mocking himself until he takes a sip of the drink, solely for dramatics. he's nothing without his flamboyance.)
Because I saw your duplicity. It's sometimes good to have someone who can see through it, so I came. I guess I have a soft spot for sad kiddos with great potential! I've never been wrong.
(which means, she's not the first.)
Also, you don't know me yet, or else you'd have seen right through my lie! Me, making Chuuya's life easier? Never going to happen! He can shop himself and look stupid walking on the ceiling.
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[She doesn't seem bothered by the prospect, resting her chin in her hand and smiling at him.]
That's my crime, after all. "Duplicity."
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Boring. Have you killed a man?
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Why, have you?
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(he sounds so sincere for a second. so, so, so honest, before he falls into laughter, waving a dismissive hand.)
Would you buy that?!
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Probably not.
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(oh, kotone, your silence and expression speaks volumes. he leaves it at that, in the air whether he was joking or not, although his tone is more on the playful side.)
If you have to think that hard, the answer is most likely not.
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It's not very nice to guess what people are thinking, Dazai-san.
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(he did, didn't he? he did???)
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[She props her chin in her hand and stares levelly at him, lips not quite curved into a frown, but certainly not a smile.]
Is one of your powers mind-reading?
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(a beat, another, and he sips, obnoxiously making that slurping noise.)
If you're willing to be forthcoming about the deity situation, you'd help me a great deal. I'm here with another person who is highly intelligent, and also very religious. It'd be something to debate.
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[That's... kind of funny, really, even if she still doesn't quite know how to handle the idea of something as simple as maybe not answering questions in the most straightforward way being considered, "lying." She frowns at him even still, though, not entirely fond of the implication.]
I'm not a liar, Dazai-san.
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(or it isn't. she might not be a liar, but he is. a bullshitter, through, and through, and through.)
I don't want anything. I can see right through you either way. Well, if you don't want my help, or to help me! I guess I'll just quietly drink my drink!
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[Why does it feel like such a big deal to talk about what she went through? He won't believe her anyway. He'll think she's crazy, probably, or an idiot. If she had any of his respect, it would probably be lost whether she said anything or not. It also feels like a lot of it isn't her secret to tell, at least not without Mitsuru around to okay it.
But who knows if she'll ever get to see anyone from SEES again...? Her shoulders tighten with some of the stiffness that Shinji's called her out on before, the one that results from realizing that once again, it's all on her as the leader, a role she never wanted and didn't even ask for.]
If I tell you some things, do you promise to believe me?
[Not enough to implicate the others. Just her.]
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(he just told her a lot to make it so that most things that are considered ludicrous are simply normal to him. gods, authors, powers. why wouldn't he believe her? but instead of pushing harder, he'll just pull out the chair next to him and pat it.
hell, he'll even slide her whatever drink she might want.)
I'll even answer a question, any question, very truthfully. Deal?
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[She still has her coffee, and while she doesn't get the point of moving from sitting across from him to sitting beside him, she does it anyway. It'll make it easier to avoid his eyes if she feels like she has to later on, anyway. She slides her cup closer to her and wraps her hands around it, taking a small breath before nodding. Deal.]
I thought it might be a test because about a year ago, I was given a contract to sign by... someone I later learned was part of the avatar of Death. He was trying to help me, though, I think, in his own way. It's what enabled me to meet two... I don't know if I can call them gods, but they exist in a realm outside of ours. They can manipulate something like tarot cards to summon things that are from the human collective unconscious and give me their power. Those two were supposed to help me on whatever my quest would be. A journey of self-discovery, I think, based on the arcana.
[She's choosing her words very carefully, not with the intent of lying by omission, but rather to try to make something stupidly complicated into something easy to explain. That, and something that only talks about her part, and none of the others'.]
What I'm getting at is that those two could fuse together and summon all kinds of creatures from myth and legend so I could use their power. Beasts, gods, heroes... [She taps the side of her head with two fingers in a gesture that almost, but not quite, looks like she's formed her hand into the shape of a gun for just a second before wrapping her fingers around her coffee cup again.] They became a part of me, temporarily.
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interesting.)
I believe you. Why do you look so sad, though?
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[She shrugs, feigning a nonchalance she doesn't really feel. It all loops back around. She was supposed to be finished with all of this, all this self-discovery, all this exhaustion, all these otherworldly beings using her or guiding her or fighting her. That's all part of it, but more than anything else-]
I miss them. Well, one of them more than the other, really.
[Igor was weird and cryptic, but Theo... well. There will always be a special place in her heart for him.]
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(and that explains quite a lot. it's a sigh that leaves him, a hand on her shoulder, something that should some people see, it would send them into a rage. he's not been this kind in his past.)
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[Her voice is soft, but not small, just an admission of fact. That's how it is. When he says it, it sounds obvious. Of course it couldn't have ended for her any other way.]
Anyway, I guess you can tell your friend that all the mythological figures from history can be fused together into different ones. Just don't say it was me who said it.
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(there, there, kotone. he smiles, just a little, before he shakes his head.)
I believe what will be of most importance to him is the God of Death giving you this journey. Well, I might not tell him at all. He already believes he's on a journey from God, anyway.
(but he waves a hand, the smile growing.)
Well, I might lie a lot, but never on negotiations. What is your question, young lady?
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[That's a very important distinction to her, because while she'll accept that Pharos and Ryoji were part of the same being, even after fighting The Appraiser, she refuses to treat him as anything other than his own person. Ryoji is more than Nyx.
And she'd argue that no, she had accepted it, she just hadn't accepted this. But even she can tell that's a circular argument, so she doesn't bother.]
Can I save my question for another time? Or do I have to ask it now?
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(if he knows someone has such a mission, dazai feels like fyodor will shower her with questions, and find even more purpose in his own journey. it is not an individual one, like her own.)
Nope! You have to ask now, you'll find more things to ask later! And then you can just surprise me like that! It benefits me greatly like this.
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Alright.
[She picks up her coffee to buy some time to think, still a little on edge from telling him about all of... that. He believed her, or claimed to, anyway, and she's certain she didn't give him enough detail that he can bother Shinji about it. She made it sound like it was just her, not a whole team. It's her problem to deal with, not his.
Eventually she asks,] Why did you invite me out? The real reason you want to talk to me. What do you get out of it?
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(all this suspense, and he's building it, his voice almost mocking himself until he takes a sip of the drink, solely for dramatics. he's nothing without his flamboyance.)
Because I saw your duplicity. It's sometimes good to have someone who can see through it, so I came. I guess I have a soft spot for sad kiddos with great potential! I've never been wrong.
(which means, she's not the first.)
Also, you don't know me yet, or else you'd have seen right through my lie! Me, making Chuuya's life easier? Never going to happen! He can shop himself and look stupid walking on the ceiling.
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And what potential do you see in me?
[That's a word that lots of people use to describe her, and always to talk about something different. So who is she to Dazai, exactly?]
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cw suicide talk
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