I told you it was supposed to be a journey, right? I reached the end of it. They were supposed to guide me on that journey, and because it was supposed to be over, they said their goodbyes.
[She shrugs, feigning a nonchalance she doesn't really feel. It all loops back around. She was supposed to be finished with all of this, all this self-discovery, all this exhaustion, all these otherworldly beings using her or guiding her or fighting her. That's all part of it, but more than anything else-]
I miss them. Well, one of them more than the other, really.
[Igor was weird and cryptic, but Theo... well. There will always be a special place in her heart for him.]
The end of your journey from the god of Death - I assume that will be dying itself.
(and that explains quite a lot. it's a sigh that leaves him, a hand on her shoulder, something that should some people see, it would send them into a rage. he's not been this kind in his past.)
[Her voice is soft, but not small, just an admission of fact. That's how it is. When he says it, it sounds obvious. Of course it couldn't have ended for her any other way.]
Anyway, I guess you can tell your friend that all the mythological figures from history can be fused together into different ones. Just don't say it was me who said it.
I thought you were more like me, but seems like not so much. It was coping rather than acceptance, correct?
(there, there, kotone. he smiles, just a little, before he shakes his head.)
I believe what will be of most importance to him is the God of Death giving you this journey. Well, I might not tell him at all. He already believes he's on a journey from God, anyway.
(but he waves a hand, the smile growing.)
Well, I might lie a lot, but never on negotiations. What is your question, young lady?
[That's a very important distinction to her, because while she'll accept that Pharos and Ryoji were part of the same being, even after fighting The Appraiser, she refuses to treat him as anything other than his own person. Ryoji is more than Nyx.
And she'd argue that no, she had accepted it, she just hadn't accepted this. But even she can tell that's a circular argument, so she doesn't bother.]
Can I save my question for another time? Or do I have to ask it now?
(if he knows someone has such a mission, dazai feels like fyodor will shower her with questions, and find even more purpose in his own journey. it is not an individual one, like her own.)
Nope! You have to ask now, you'll find more things to ask later! And then you can just surprise me like that! It benefits me greatly like this.
[She picks up her coffee to buy some time to think, still a little on edge from telling him about all of... that. He believed her, or claimed to, anyway, and she's certain she didn't give him enough detail that he can bother Shinji about it. She made it sound like it was just her, not a whole team. It's her problem to deal with, not his.
Eventually she asks,] Why did you invite me out? The real reason you want to talk to me. What do you get out of it?
(all this suspense, and he's building it, his voice almost mocking himself until he takes a sip of the drink, solely for dramatics. he's nothing without his flamboyance.)
Because I saw your duplicity. It's sometimes good to have someone who can see through it, so I came. I guess I have a soft spot for sad kiddos with great potential! I've never been wrong.
(which means, she's not the first.)
Also, you don't know me yet, or else you'd have seen right through my lie! Me, making Chuuya's life easier? Never going to happen! He can shop himself and look stupid walking on the ceiling.
One question, kiddo, one question. That's my secret!
(and now he's back to being a bastard. he won't tell her that, not really. instead, he'll sip, humming a very cheerful song that we should all be glad he is not singing. the lyrics are like the melody.)
But! That was definitely not what I thought you were going to ask! I really thought you were going for the murder.
[She puffs out a cheek briefly in a pout before sitting back and taking her coffee cup with her, gazing at him over the rim.]
Would it change anything if I asked? Unless you start murdering people here, knowing for sure whether or not you were lying about that isn't going to change anything. It doesn't mean I'm happy about it or I like it. But...
[Asking about the murders is the obvious question, and obviously if people start turning up dead, Dazai is going to be the first person she'd want investigated. But whatever he's done in his past, if it's true or not, doesn't affect anything right now in all honesty.
Maybe that's callous or selfish. But she just shrugs one shoulder.]
(he no longer kills, unless absolutely necessary, and if he can avoid it, he will. not out of such a moral stand, but a promise made to a dying man in his arms. he can be the worst and be good at the same time, can't he?)
Hey, Kotone. Have you perchance met Fyodor, or Gogol? Those are also from my home.
[Now that, she doesn't know if she believes. She wants to believe him. But if there's anything this conversation has established, it's that he's a liar. That's fine. She's met a lot of liars in the past year.
She hums quietly, brow furrowing in concentration.]
(he laughs a little, just because, well. he has that effect on people. it's called being a bastard who will poke things out. he's sure fyodor, being so similar, could see through her as well.)
First thing, you need to learn to control your face. Most people are not this observant, but if you space out while you think, that is telling, you see?
You just need to be aware of it first. It's a multitasking mission! Keep talking, stall, whatever, but don't stare into the space, you're giving out all the answers silently.
You think with your face, too. Try not to react with your face to your thoughts. That should suffice, but, you'll need practice, yes? So, go ahead, I'll bring up something and I'll snap my fingers every time I see something.
(and both his drinks are gone, he realizes. awful, awful, and he looks like he's dying from the sheer realization.)
So, dying, huh? I can't help to be jealous, Kotone-chan.
[She makes another face at his theatrics, setting aside here own empty coffee cup to instead cross one arm over her chest, bring the other to her lips in thought as if making a mental note. It's hard to figure out what's a natural reaction that other people do, and what is the kind of tell that he's looking out for...
Her expression stills when he asks about if her friends know, and she doesn't realize as her smile fades away into something more neutral, almost defensive.]
How would you respond to something you didn't want to answer, then?
[She's leaning in a little now, because that's important, especially if somehow any of this gets back to Shinjiro. She can't have him worrying about her, not when he seems to be doing so much better.]
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[She shrugs, feigning a nonchalance she doesn't really feel. It all loops back around. She was supposed to be finished with all of this, all this self-discovery, all this exhaustion, all these otherworldly beings using her or guiding her or fighting her. That's all part of it, but more than anything else-]
I miss them. Well, one of them more than the other, really.
[Igor was weird and cryptic, but Theo... well. There will always be a special place in her heart for him.]
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(and that explains quite a lot. it's a sigh that leaves him, a hand on her shoulder, something that should some people see, it would send them into a rage. he's not been this kind in his past.)
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[Her voice is soft, but not small, just an admission of fact. That's how it is. When he says it, it sounds obvious. Of course it couldn't have ended for her any other way.]
Anyway, I guess you can tell your friend that all the mythological figures from history can be fused together into different ones. Just don't say it was me who said it.
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(there, there, kotone. he smiles, just a little, before he shakes his head.)
I believe what will be of most importance to him is the God of Death giving you this journey. Well, I might not tell him at all. He already believes he's on a journey from God, anyway.
(but he waves a hand, the smile growing.)
Well, I might lie a lot, but never on negotiations. What is your question, young lady?
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[That's a very important distinction to her, because while she'll accept that Pharos and Ryoji were part of the same being, even after fighting The Appraiser, she refuses to treat him as anything other than his own person. Ryoji is more than Nyx.
And she'd argue that no, she had accepted it, she just hadn't accepted this. But even she can tell that's a circular argument, so she doesn't bother.]
Can I save my question for another time? Or do I have to ask it now?
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(if he knows someone has such a mission, dazai feels like fyodor will shower her with questions, and find even more purpose in his own journey. it is not an individual one, like her own.)
Nope! You have to ask now, you'll find more things to ask later! And then you can just surprise me like that! It benefits me greatly like this.
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Alright.
[She picks up her coffee to buy some time to think, still a little on edge from telling him about all of... that. He believed her, or claimed to, anyway, and she's certain she didn't give him enough detail that he can bother Shinji about it. She made it sound like it was just her, not a whole team. It's her problem to deal with, not his.
Eventually she asks,] Why did you invite me out? The real reason you want to talk to me. What do you get out of it?
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(all this suspense, and he's building it, his voice almost mocking himself until he takes a sip of the drink, solely for dramatics. he's nothing without his flamboyance.)
Because I saw your duplicity. It's sometimes good to have someone who can see through it, so I came. I guess I have a soft spot for sad kiddos with great potential! I've never been wrong.
(which means, she's not the first.)
Also, you don't know me yet, or else you'd have seen right through my lie! Me, making Chuuya's life easier? Never going to happen! He can shop himself and look stupid walking on the ceiling.
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And what potential do you see in me?
[That's a word that lots of people use to describe her, and always to talk about something different. So who is she to Dazai, exactly?]
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(and now he's back to being a bastard. he won't tell her that, not really. instead, he'll sip, humming a very cheerful song that we should all be glad he is not singing. the lyrics are like the melody.)
But! That was definitely not what I thought you were going to ask! I really thought you were going for the murder.
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Would it change anything if I asked? Unless you start murdering people here, knowing for sure whether or not you were lying about that isn't going to change anything. It doesn't mean I'm happy about it or I like it. But...
[Asking about the murders is the obvious question, and obviously if people start turning up dead, Dazai is going to be the first person she'd want investigated. But whatever he's done in his past, if it's true or not, doesn't affect anything right now in all honesty.
Maybe that's callous or selfish. But she just shrugs one shoulder.]
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(he no longer kills, unless absolutely necessary, and if he can avoid it, he will. not out of such a moral stand, but a promise made to a dying man in his arms. he can be the worst and be good at the same time, can't he?)
Hey, Kotone. Have you perchance met Fyodor, or Gogol? Those are also from my home.
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She hums quietly, brow furrowing in concentration.]
Is Fyodor-san's last name Russian? If so, yeah.
[She Cannot Pronounce Dostoevsky.]
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(don't fuel his own thing, kotone!!!!!!)
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I'm sure you noticed, but I don't usually tell people anything about that stuff. You're the only one who knows.
[Technically true, considering she mostly talked about Igor and Theo and even that's not something she's talked about with Shinji at length.]
...You said I'm easy to read. Can you teach me not to be...?
[It's not that she wants to lie to people. But if it means people won't see her uncertainty or her fear, then they'll be able to rely on her more.]
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(he laughs a little, just because, well. he has that effect on people. it's called being a bastard who will poke things out. he's sure fyodor, being so similar, could see through her as well.)
First thing, you need to learn to control your face. Most people are not this observant, but if you space out while you think, that is telling, you see?
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[That sounds... hard. It's not like she does it on purpose, but it isn't like she knows what else to do with her face when she's thinking.]
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(why is he helping her? secret.)
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[She squints at him, not sure how that's supposed to help. It's hard to do all that stuff and think at the same time!!]
I can try that. Any other advice?
cw suicide talk
(and both his drinks are gone, he realizes. awful, awful, and he looks like he's dying from the sheer realization.)
So, dying, huh? I can't help to be jealous, Kotone-chan.
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That's not the kind of thing anyone should be jealous of, Dazai-san. Lots of people want to live and don't have a choice.
[Just because she had decided not to count herself among their number-! Then a pause as she realizes,]
Oh. Was I not supposed to react at all? That feels more unnatural.
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Some of us don't, and can't leave this plane of existence! Be nicer to us, suicidal incompetents, and unable to be murdered fellows!!!!
(dramatic, the back of the hand on his forehead as he tilts his head backward. theatrics, theatrics.)
Nope, you had a great response, that's the kind of thing people usually say. Keep telling me, why are you dying, again? Do your friends know?
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Her expression stills when he asks about if her friends know, and she doesn't realize as her smile fades away into something more neutral, almost defensive.]
Why does that matter?
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That's a 'no', then?
(and with a finger, he points at her mouth.)
It doesn't to me, not really. Do not get defensive, you answered my question.
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[She's leaning in a little now, because that's important, especially if somehow any of this gets back to Shinjiro. She can't have him worrying about her, not when he seems to be doing so much better.]
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