(if he lies down, he'll never get back up, so he'll compromise by letting his head rest against her shoulder. it's closer, either way, and comfortable - her hand will scratch just where he likes it with this set up. there's a little yawn, and what she's asked is a very good question. dazai's honesty is not something he often exercises, but with how his brain currently cares about absolutely nothing, he finds it a useless exercise to lie to her.)
... There's empty, white noise and a million thoughts on my mind.
[She hums again, more softly this time, and gently scratches her fingernails against his scalp, right where he'd been guiding her hand. If he falls asleep there against her shoulder, that'll be fine. She can sit there for hours, if she has to.]
You were working really hard. Too bad you don't get paid for saving the world, huh?
[Maybe it wasn't the world in this case, but even still, the joke still hangs in the air like a bubble about to pop into a dozen different emotions as she keeps running her fingers through his hair.]
Ah, but money has never interested me. I used to live in a shipping container, even though I was filthy rich.
(perhaps that's a bit of the problem. what does motivate him? what brings him to this? even himself struggles to understand it, sometimes. like nothing fills the loneliness that sinks his heart deeper to hell.
speaking of,)
You don't have to fake that smile around me, by the way.
[About the smile, anyway. Her fingers still in his hair as she tries to remember what the right expression is to make right now. Brows pinching in a bit of thoughtful consternation, her face comes to rest for the moment as she resumes scratching.]
Why the shipping container?
[It's not the first time he's mentioned it; she'd have assumed he'd want something more comfortable, but considering his preferred hiding place was a literal hole in the ground, well-]
It would be hard for people to get to you, though.
[For someone who seems so affectionate, it sounds like hell. She shifts, just a little, so she can wrap her arm around him, resting her elbow on his shoulder and continuing to pet.]
I'd rather you stay within reach.
[Not necessarily of her, but of anyone. He can go on and on all he likes about how much Chuuya needs people, but it's pretty obvious -- so does Dazai.]
(don't think the narrowest chasm in the mountains here doesn't have a lamp, a book, and a few blankets. it's where he finds himself the most safe, after all, further and in darkness where he can sleep. either way, he clearly is melting with all the pets, much needed, thank you kotone.)
[She wrinkles her nose again. It still sounds like the worst place for someone like Dazai, but-- well, she's not Dazai. If it's something he wants, she isn't going to tell him not to.
But she doesn't answer his question immediately, just humming quietly to let him know that yes, she'd heard, no need to ask again. Let her organize her thoughts, please.]
I'm not hurt, [she says finally, gently detangling one of the knots in his hair.] I'll be... okay. Either people will trust me again, or they won't.
[That is kind of what it boils down to, huh? She can't make people trust her or rely on her. She'd already proven that she isn't trustworthy or reliable. All she can do is give up or keep trying.]
(blindness. much like atsushi. self-esteem so low that he could pick it up from the floor. part of him knows that this is no matter to discuss, it's not words that will snap her out of it. another part of him sighs, loudly, before he can say it.)
Koto-chan. None of this was due to you or lack of trust in you. I trusted you, without you and Gogol I wouldn't have made it to Chuuya, and he would have died because he can only contain Arahabaki so much. Is this not enough for you to see?
I'm not saying I caused it. But I attacked my friends. I hurt people.
[She could have killed them. She doesn't know if some of the people Thanatos had attacked had survived. Her expression pinches again as she resumes stroking his hair.]
[She lets him take her hand and do whatever he likes with it, spreading her fingers to make it easier. There's a faintly glowing ring on her right hand that hadn't been there before -- Ryoji had given it to her, months and months and months ago, right before the end. It's comforting to have it with her now, after what happened.]
A couple years ago, there was a situation that perhaps you can find yourself in. We worked on a case where ability users were committing suicide - but it was the work of another one. Yadda yadda, manipulation, yadda yadda, betrayal on my part real quick, but the important part is that he managed to separate people's abilities from them, too. Atsushi had to face the tiger he manages to become. Akutagawa had to face... Ah, Rashomon, which is the demon that forms from his clothes. I was... Not there, actually. In fact, I was dealing with the man himself, and Fyodor. However, I know those two like the back of my hand, and I know that it felt like battling themselves, and for Atsushi... That's his daily struggle. What I'm trying to say is, your own battle is not too different. You most likely see yourself as the perpetrator, however, you weren't. Your battle here is with yourself.
... You're very much like those two kiddos, in a way.
[Her voice is soft, fingers spread to make it easier for Dazai to hold however he likes. She's just watching without really seeing, lips thinning with more than a little distress.]
It felt good. Letting him do what he wanted. Trusting him to protect me. Thanatos... I didn't have him when I arrived here. I'd fused him to create Messiah. But he reawakened here to protect me. He was just... protecting me from the wrong people.
You need to separate what was you and what was not, however. This feeling of protection might be real, but it wasn't blooming from the right place, that was that thing that put the idea in your head, and thus, I suppose it was just trying to protect you from what that thing said was bad for you and it. If anything, I trust you more after all this, and that's not a particularly easy feat.
(it's not manipulation, at least. he means it, with all his heart, even if he's forgetting to play with her hand, his entire attention and effort into speaking first and foremost.)
[That catches her attention, and she glances up at him, lips slightly parted with surprise and confusion. If anything, she'd expect to be trusted less, not more.]
I know that you'll have my back, even when you're shaking. Besides, now I know two things. Personas are more powerful than I'd imagined, and 'No Longer Human' works on them. I can put you on missions if need be.
(if she trusts him, that is. that part, perhaps, is still a little shaky. his fault, really.)
[She looks back down at her hand again. It seems like a long time ago that she'd been so worried about him and Akechi. It's not that it doesn't matter, but rather... what else is she supposed to think? Dazai had brought her back to herself.]
If you do, you won't be the only one, most likely, so I'm not particularly worried. Then, my apologies, but Chuuya's stupid Singularity wins the priority round. I'll get to you when I can.
(due to the whole death situation, that is. he sighs, reaching for the alcohol bottle she so kindly brought to him, taking a sip and offering.)
[She huffs a little humorless laugh and nods. Yeah, she can accept that. It's like when she'd have two team members go down, she'd had to prioritize whomever could heal the other -- or whoever could do the most damage to get them out of combat as soon as possible.
Taking the offered bottle more by reflex than any real desire, she sniffs at the mouth and wrinkles her nose again.]
What is it?
[She'd just grabbed a cool-looking bottle without really paying attention to what it is.]
Something fruity, I guess. You brought me... Pretty much water to someone like me! Like you said.
(dazai you own the place shouldn't you know
either way, he stretches a little, a 'dda-dda-dda' escaping him because even that hurts like a bitch. now that he's sober, everything is so heavy to move, so difficult, so painful, and he huffs.)
[She does take a little sip of it, still making a bit of a face, but less of one than she'd done with the wine. This is... fine, she guesses. Not as sweet as juice, but not as bitter as most of the other things she'd tried with him as she passes it back.]
I got wine for Chuuya if you want that instead, but you have to eat the sandwich before I go get it.
... Yeah, that's on me. Chuuya's been-- extrabitchy, extra irritating, extra insufferable, so I guess it's not that bad if I'm not drunk.
(completely on dazai, and this time, he can't deny that it's his fault. not like he was on drugs for the past week to stay awake and not miss out in case someone needed more care. not like he's terrible to his body, or anything. chuuya can tell when dazai's intoxicated, and then more bitching would follow.
[Chuuya... she'd seen him, back in the clearing. Everything had seemed weirdly muted back then, but the sight of him breaking bones had been... awful. Her teeth worry at her lower lip as she rubs the ring on her finger with her thumb.]
Physically, yeah, his body is very good at recovering and containing Arahabaki. Psychologically, most likely not. I'm being good and giving him a lot of work so he doesn't have time to think too much. It'll give me headaches.
(which is only one of the reasons why he's being so difficult. it helps him, because he's truly feeling what he's putting out for chuuya, and gives chuuya purpose temporarily.)
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... There's empty, white noise and a million thoughts on my mind.
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You were working really hard. Too bad you don't get paid for saving the world, huh?
[Maybe it wasn't the world in this case, but even still, the joke still hangs in the air like a bubble about to pop into a dozen different emotions as she keeps running her fingers through his hair.]
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(perhaps that's a bit of the problem. what does motivate him? what brings him to this? even himself struggles to understand it, sometimes. like nothing fills the loneliness that sinks his heart deeper to hell.
speaking of,)
You don't have to fake that smile around me, by the way.
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[About the smile, anyway. Her fingers still in his hair as she tries to remember what the right expression is to make right now. Brows pinching in a bit of thoughtful consternation, her face comes to rest for the moment as she resumes scratching.]
Why the shipping container?
[It's not the first time he's mentioned it; she'd have assumed he'd want something more comfortable, but considering his preferred hiding place was a literal hole in the ground, well-]
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It was surrounded by toxic waste. Simple, unreachable, and honestly, I could live under a bridge. I need very little! It was a good home...
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[For someone who seems so affectionate, it sounds like hell. She shifts, just a little, so she can wrap her arm around him, resting her elbow on his shoulder and continuing to pet.]
I'd rather you stay within reach.
[Not necessarily of her, but of anyone. He can go on and on all he likes about how much Chuuya needs people, but it's pretty obvious -- so does Dazai.]
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(don't think the narrowest chasm in the mountains here doesn't have a lamp, a book, and a few blankets. it's where he finds himself the most safe, after all, further and in darkness where he can sleep. either way, he clearly is melting with all the pets, much needed, thank you kotone.)
How are you feeling?
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But she doesn't answer his question immediately, just humming quietly to let him know that yes, she'd heard, no need to ask again. Let her organize her thoughts, please.]
I'm not hurt, [she says finally, gently detangling one of the knots in his hair.] I'll be... okay. Either people will trust me again, or they won't.
[That is kind of what it boils down to, huh? She can't make people trust her or rely on her. She'd already proven that she isn't trustworthy or reliable. All she can do is give up or keep trying.]
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(blindness. much like atsushi. self-esteem so low that he could pick it up from the floor. part of him knows that this is no matter to discuss, it's not words that will snap her out of it. another part of him sighs, loudly, before he can say it.)
Koto-chan. None of this was due to you or lack of trust in you. I trusted you, without you and Gogol I wouldn't have made it to Chuuya, and he would have died because he can only contain Arahabaki so much. Is this not enough for you to see?
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I'm not saying I caused it. But I attacked my friends. I hurt people.
[She could have killed them. She doesn't know if some of the people Thanatos had attacked had survived. Her expression pinches again as she resumes stroking his hair.]
I don't expect everyone to just forget that.
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(his hand reaches for her own. she might notice the lazy grip, the way his thumbs play with her knuckles with no strength at all.)
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[She lets him take her hand and do whatever he likes with it, spreading her fingers to make it easier. There's a faintly glowing ring on her right hand that hadn't been there before -- Ryoji had given it to her, months and months and months ago, right before the end. It's comforting to have it with her now, after what happened.]
cw suicide mention
... You're very much like those two kiddos, in a way.
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[Her voice is soft, fingers spread to make it easier for Dazai to hold however he likes. She's just watching without really seeing, lips thinning with more than a little distress.]
It felt good. Letting him do what he wanted. Trusting him to protect me. Thanatos... I didn't have him when I arrived here. I'd fused him to create Messiah. But he reawakened here to protect me. He was just... protecting me from the wrong people.
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(it's not manipulation, at least. he means it, with all his heart, even if he's forgetting to play with her hand, his entire attention and effort into speaking first and foremost.)
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[That catches her attention, and she glances up at him, lips slightly parted with surprise and confusion. If anything, she'd expect to be trusted less, not more.]
How?
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(if she trusts him, that is. that part, perhaps, is still a little shaky. his fault, really.)
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What if I loose control again?
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(due to the whole death situation, that is. he sighs, reaching for the alcohol bottle she so kindly brought to him, taking a sip and offering.)
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Taking the offered bottle more by reflex than any real desire, she sniffs at the mouth and wrinkles her nose again.]
What is it?
[She'd just grabbed a cool-looking bottle without really paying attention to what it is.]
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(dazai you own the place shouldn't you know
either way, he stretches a little, a 'dda-dda-dda' escaping him because even that hurts like a bitch. now that he's sober, everything is so heavy to move, so difficult, so painful, and he huffs.)
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[She does take a little sip of it, still making a bit of a face, but less of one than she'd done with the wine. This is... fine, she guesses. Not as sweet as juice, but not as bitter as most of the other things she'd tried with him as she passes it back.]
I got wine for Chuuya if you want that instead, but you have to eat the sandwich before I go get it.
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(completely on dazai, and this time, he can't deny that it's his fault. not like he was on drugs for the past week to stay awake and not miss out in case someone needed more care. not like he's terrible to his body, or anything. chuuya can tell when dazai's intoxicated, and then more bitching would follow.
so, well, win win for everyone.)
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[Chuuya... she'd seen him, back in the clearing. Everything had seemed weirdly muted back then, but the sight of him breaking bones had been... awful. Her teeth worry at her lower lip as she rubs the ring on her finger with her thumb.]
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(which is only one of the reasons why he's being so difficult. it helps him, because he's truly feeling what he's putting out for chuuya, and gives chuuya purpose temporarily.)
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