[Her voice is soft, fingers spread to make it easier for Dazai to hold however he likes. She's just watching without really seeing, lips thinning with more than a little distress.]
It felt good. Letting him do what he wanted. Trusting him to protect me. Thanatos... I didn't have him when I arrived here. I'd fused him to create Messiah. But he reawakened here to protect me. He was just... protecting me from the wrong people.
You need to separate what was you and what was not, however. This feeling of protection might be real, but it wasn't blooming from the right place, that was that thing that put the idea in your head, and thus, I suppose it was just trying to protect you from what that thing said was bad for you and it. If anything, I trust you more after all this, and that's not a particularly easy feat.
(it's not manipulation, at least. he means it, with all his heart, even if he's forgetting to play with her hand, his entire attention and effort into speaking first and foremost.)
[That catches her attention, and she glances up at him, lips slightly parted with surprise and confusion. If anything, she'd expect to be trusted less, not more.]
I know that you'll have my back, even when you're shaking. Besides, now I know two things. Personas are more powerful than I'd imagined, and 'No Longer Human' works on them. I can put you on missions if need be.
(if she trusts him, that is. that part, perhaps, is still a little shaky. his fault, really.)
[She looks back down at her hand again. It seems like a long time ago that she'd been so worried about him and Akechi. It's not that it doesn't matter, but rather... what else is she supposed to think? Dazai had brought her back to herself.]
If you do, you won't be the only one, most likely, so I'm not particularly worried. Then, my apologies, but Chuuya's stupid Singularity wins the priority round. I'll get to you when I can.
(due to the whole death situation, that is. he sighs, reaching for the alcohol bottle she so kindly brought to him, taking a sip and offering.)
[She huffs a little humorless laugh and nods. Yeah, she can accept that. It's like when she'd have two team members go down, she'd had to prioritize whomever could heal the other -- or whoever could do the most damage to get them out of combat as soon as possible.
Taking the offered bottle more by reflex than any real desire, she sniffs at the mouth and wrinkles her nose again.]
What is it?
[She'd just grabbed a cool-looking bottle without really paying attention to what it is.]
Something fruity, I guess. You brought me... Pretty much water to someone like me! Like you said.
(dazai you own the place shouldn't you know
either way, he stretches a little, a 'dda-dda-dda' escaping him because even that hurts like a bitch. now that he's sober, everything is so heavy to move, so difficult, so painful, and he huffs.)
[She does take a little sip of it, still making a bit of a face, but less of one than she'd done with the wine. This is... fine, she guesses. Not as sweet as juice, but not as bitter as most of the other things she'd tried with him as she passes it back.]
I got wine for Chuuya if you want that instead, but you have to eat the sandwich before I go get it.
... Yeah, that's on me. Chuuya's been-- extrabitchy, extra irritating, extra insufferable, so I guess it's not that bad if I'm not drunk.
(completely on dazai, and this time, he can't deny that it's his fault. not like he was on drugs for the past week to stay awake and not miss out in case someone needed more care. not like he's terrible to his body, or anything. chuuya can tell when dazai's intoxicated, and then more bitching would follow.
[Chuuya... she'd seen him, back in the clearing. Everything had seemed weirdly muted back then, but the sight of him breaking bones had been... awful. Her teeth worry at her lower lip as she rubs the ring on her finger with her thumb.]
Physically, yeah, his body is very good at recovering and containing Arahabaki. Psychologically, most likely not. I'm being good and giving him a lot of work so he doesn't have time to think too much. It'll give me headaches.
(which is only one of the reasons why he's being so difficult. it helps him, because he's truly feeling what he's putting out for chuuya, and gives chuuya purpose temporarily.)
[Yeah, she can do that. Exhaling a quiet sigh, she glances toward him and then reaches for the bottle. Can she have some more, please? Can they share?]
... Just taking care of that piece of shit is enough. Gives me some peace.
(ah, we are turning kotone into him indeed! he passes the bottle as asked of him, giggling a little as he does.
it's shortlived, though.)
Honestly, Koto-chan? I'm just very tired. I wish I were home, but considering that apparently it's the Drowning Olympics for me, I'm not looking forward.
Mmhm. [Piece of shit, affectionate. Dazai giggles when she takes the bottle, though, and that's enough to bring a little smile to her own lips as she takes the tiniest sip and passes it back. The whole point had been to make him smile, and it had worked.
At least for a moment. Her smile fades as she tilts her head to glance at him, humming softly.]
...Me, too. [Wish she were home, that is. She presses her fingernails gently into his scalp to scratch the back of his head and exhales a soft breath.] I think... it's okay to miss the people, even if the situation isn't the best at home.
["Drowning Olympics," sounds awful, honestly. For one thing, it's probably a lot of work.]
(piece of shit, affectionate, indeed. the gulp he gives that bottle, though, awkwardly telling - it won't even scratch his liver, but he has to try, right? he wasn't expecting her to look at him right now, so he moves a little in a bit of confusion. this being honest thing is rather distracting, rather complicated...)
It's... I might be dead, you know? We have no idea! Or maybe, I killed Fyodor and Chuuya, we also have no idea. Still, at home, I can predict everything to the smallest detail. I can't do that here because this place is still showing itself, and I am a little alone. Being good alone is difficult! I really just want to sleep for a month or two.
[Her frown can be felt as much as seen, a severe look of purest disbelief at the idea that Dazai would kill Chuuya. Fyodor she's not so sure about, but Chuuya? Not unless something had gone very, very wrong, and if Dazai really can predict things down to the last detail, she's certain he'd stop that before it came to it.]
You're not alone. [It's said firmly, her hand moving from his hair to briefly touch his cheek as if to make sure that she fully has his attention.] You have me, and Chuuya, and a lot of other people. I know it feels like it sometimes, but...
[She taps his cheek again, tap-tap. It's honesty hour? Okay.]
That's why I stay so busy. 'Cause otherwise I'd sleep all day, too. It'd be easier.
(he's sure that it'd have broken his heart, but he hasn't lived it. he hasn't been in there, fighting the game gogol made for them, with poison slowly eating at his organs, as he escapes the worst and best prison ever made.
she's learned that from him, he knows, he does that to her when he wants her to listen. each of his mentees, all so different, so many approaches he has done, so many he could have done; this one, he feels like he's doing... somewhat well. not perfect, but he's doing something, isn't he?
objectively, he's not alone. he just wants his family. he made it the pinnacle of his goodness, after all.)
You are aware you, much like me, are depressed, aren't you? I just don't have that level of energy!
I'm not sad, though. Or like, not more than most people.
[She's just tired, bone-numbingly fatigued, but there are so many people who fought to be alive who didn't make it that it feels wrong to just do nothing. The busier she stays, the less lonely she feels, the more she can hide the exhaustion and the way her feelings don't seem to work quite right all the time.]
Depression isn't sadness, Koto-chan. It's numbness, a feeling of hopelessness, a bottomless pit-- sadness comes in different forms, after all. A loneliness that never ends? Things like these, they're not sadness perse, they just are.
(HONESTY HOURS GOING SOMEWHERE.
he smiles, however, through this explanation, a sigh that doesn't sound much like exhaustion. he recognizes parts of himself when kotone looks at him, sees them reflected, adapted to her life - his own had been a bloodshed. her own survival had another color.)
No one is exactly the same, after all! Ah, well. You deal with it how you deal with it.
[Like, what is she supposed to say to that? She just blinks at him, brows furrowed a little as she turns it over in her mind. It still doesn't sound completely right, like... it doesn't sound wrong, but...]
[She absolutely won't be doing that. Once again, she's lost track of what expression she's supposed to make, so she simply doesn't make one at all as she stares down at her hands in her lap.]
...Is this something everyone knows but me, you think?
[Will they like her less? Trust her less? Worry about her more?]
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[Her voice is soft, fingers spread to make it easier for Dazai to hold however he likes. She's just watching without really seeing, lips thinning with more than a little distress.]
It felt good. Letting him do what he wanted. Trusting him to protect me. Thanatos... I didn't have him when I arrived here. I'd fused him to create Messiah. But he reawakened here to protect me. He was just... protecting me from the wrong people.
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(it's not manipulation, at least. he means it, with all his heart, even if he's forgetting to play with her hand, his entire attention and effort into speaking first and foremost.)
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[That catches her attention, and she glances up at him, lips slightly parted with surprise and confusion. If anything, she'd expect to be trusted less, not more.]
How?
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(if she trusts him, that is. that part, perhaps, is still a little shaky. his fault, really.)
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What if I loose control again?
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(due to the whole death situation, that is. he sighs, reaching for the alcohol bottle she so kindly brought to him, taking a sip and offering.)
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Taking the offered bottle more by reflex than any real desire, she sniffs at the mouth and wrinkles her nose again.]
What is it?
[She'd just grabbed a cool-looking bottle without really paying attention to what it is.]
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(dazai you own the place shouldn't you know
either way, he stretches a little, a 'dda-dda-dda' escaping him because even that hurts like a bitch. now that he's sober, everything is so heavy to move, so difficult, so painful, and he huffs.)
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[She does take a little sip of it, still making a bit of a face, but less of one than she'd done with the wine. This is... fine, she guesses. Not as sweet as juice, but not as bitter as most of the other things she'd tried with him as she passes it back.]
I got wine for Chuuya if you want that instead, but you have to eat the sandwich before I go get it.
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(completely on dazai, and this time, he can't deny that it's his fault. not like he was on drugs for the past week to stay awake and not miss out in case someone needed more care. not like he's terrible to his body, or anything. chuuya can tell when dazai's intoxicated, and then more bitching would follow.
so, well, win win for everyone.)
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[Chuuya... she'd seen him, back in the clearing. Everything had seemed weirdly muted back then, but the sight of him breaking bones had been... awful. Her teeth worry at her lower lip as she rubs the ring on her finger with her thumb.]
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(which is only one of the reasons why he's being so difficult. it helps him, because he's truly feeling what he's putting out for chuuya, and gives chuuya purpose temporarily.)
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[Other than food delivery. She gets the need to be distracted, to not want to think too much.]
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[Yeah, she can do that. Exhaling a quiet sigh, she glances toward him and then reaches for the bottle. Can she have some more, please? Can they share?]
Is there anything else I can do for you?
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(ah, we are turning kotone into him indeed! he passes the bottle as asked of him, giggling a little as he does.
it's shortlived, though.)
Honestly, Koto-chan? I'm just very tired. I wish I were home, but considering that apparently it's the Drowning Olympics for me, I'm not looking forward.
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At least for a moment. Her smile fades as she tilts her head to glance at him, humming softly.]
...Me, too. [Wish she were home, that is. She presses her fingernails gently into his scalp to scratch the back of his head and exhales a soft breath.] I think... it's okay to miss the people, even if the situation isn't the best at home.
["Drowning Olympics," sounds awful, honestly. For one thing, it's probably a lot of work.]
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It's... I might be dead, you know? We have no idea! Or maybe, I killed Fyodor and Chuuya, we also have no idea. Still, at home, I can predict everything to the smallest detail. I can't do that here because this place is still showing itself, and I am a little alone. Being good alone is difficult! I really just want to sleep for a month or two.
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You're not alone. [It's said firmly, her hand moving from his hair to briefly touch his cheek as if to make sure that she fully has his attention.] You have me, and Chuuya, and a lot of other people. I know it feels like it sometimes, but...
[She taps his cheek again, tap-tap. It's honesty hour? Okay.]
That's why I stay so busy. 'Cause otherwise I'd sleep all day, too. It'd be easier.
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she's learned that from him, he knows, he does that to her when he wants her to listen. each of his mentees, all so different, so many approaches he has done, so many he could have done; this one, he feels like he's doing... somewhat well. not perfect, but he's doing something, isn't he?
objectively, he's not alone. he just wants his family. he made it the pinnacle of his goodness, after all.)
You are aware you, much like me, are depressed, aren't you? I just don't have that level of energy!
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I'm not sad, though. Or like, not more than most people.
[She's just tired, bone-numbingly fatigued, but there are so many people who fought to be alive who didn't make it that it feels wrong to just do nothing. The busier she stays, the less lonely she feels, the more she can hide the exhaustion and the way her feelings don't seem to work quite right all the time.]
I just get my energy from everybody around.
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(HONESTY HOURS GOING SOMEWHERE.
he smiles, however, through this explanation, a sigh that doesn't sound much like exhaustion. he recognizes parts of himself when kotone looks at him, sees them reflected, adapted to her life - his own had been a bloodshed. her own survival had another color.)
No one is exactly the same, after all! Ah, well. You deal with it how you deal with it.
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[Like, what is she supposed to say to that? She just blinks at him, brows furrowed a little as she turns it over in her mind. It still doesn't sound completely right, like... it doesn't sound wrong, but...]
...I thought that was just normal.
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(seen how - he is terribly depressed and suicidal.)
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[She absolutely won't be doing that. Once again, she's lost track of what expression she's supposed to make, so she simply doesn't make one at all as she stares down at her hands in her lap.]
...Is this something everyone knows but me, you think?
[Will they like her less? Trust her less? Worry about her more?]
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