(piece of shit, affectionate, indeed. the gulp he gives that bottle, though, awkwardly telling - it won't even scratch his liver, but he has to try, right? he wasn't expecting her to look at him right now, so he moves a little in a bit of confusion. this being honest thing is rather distracting, rather complicated...)
It's... I might be dead, you know? We have no idea! Or maybe, I killed Fyodor and Chuuya, we also have no idea. Still, at home, I can predict everything to the smallest detail. I can't do that here because this place is still showing itself, and I am a little alone. Being good alone is difficult! I really just want to sleep for a month or two.
[Her frown can be felt as much as seen, a severe look of purest disbelief at the idea that Dazai would kill Chuuya. Fyodor she's not so sure about, but Chuuya? Not unless something had gone very, very wrong, and if Dazai really can predict things down to the last detail, she's certain he'd stop that before it came to it.]
You're not alone. [It's said firmly, her hand moving from his hair to briefly touch his cheek as if to make sure that she fully has his attention.] You have me, and Chuuya, and a lot of other people. I know it feels like it sometimes, but...
[She taps his cheek again, tap-tap. It's honesty hour? Okay.]
That's why I stay so busy. 'Cause otherwise I'd sleep all day, too. It'd be easier.
(he's sure that it'd have broken his heart, but he hasn't lived it. he hasn't been in there, fighting the game gogol made for them, with poison slowly eating at his organs, as he escapes the worst and best prison ever made.
she's learned that from him, he knows, he does that to her when he wants her to listen. each of his mentees, all so different, so many approaches he has done, so many he could have done; this one, he feels like he's doing... somewhat well. not perfect, but he's doing something, isn't he?
objectively, he's not alone. he just wants his family. he made it the pinnacle of his goodness, after all.)
You are aware you, much like me, are depressed, aren't you? I just don't have that level of energy!
I'm not sad, though. Or like, not more than most people.
[She's just tired, bone-numbingly fatigued, but there are so many people who fought to be alive who didn't make it that it feels wrong to just do nothing. The busier she stays, the less lonely she feels, the more she can hide the exhaustion and the way her feelings don't seem to work quite right all the time.]
Depression isn't sadness, Koto-chan. It's numbness, a feeling of hopelessness, a bottomless pit-- sadness comes in different forms, after all. A loneliness that never ends? Things like these, they're not sadness perse, they just are.
(HONESTY HOURS GOING SOMEWHERE.
he smiles, however, through this explanation, a sigh that doesn't sound much like exhaustion. he recognizes parts of himself when kotone looks at him, sees them reflected, adapted to her life - his own had been a bloodshed. her own survival had another color.)
No one is exactly the same, after all! Ah, well. You deal with it how you deal with it.
[Like, what is she supposed to say to that? She just blinks at him, brows furrowed a little as she turns it over in her mind. It still doesn't sound completely right, like... it doesn't sound wrong, but...]
[She absolutely won't be doing that. Once again, she's lost track of what expression she's supposed to make, so she simply doesn't make one at all as she stares down at her hands in her lap.]
...Is this something everyone knows but me, you think?
[Will they like her less? Trust her less? Worry about her more?]
[She huffs quietly and closes her eyes, allowing herself to relax against him.]
I'll try. I'm hanging out with you, after all.
[It's a joke, kind of. Going out and breaking people's fingers for information really isn't her thing, so her standards for "being good" are probably different from Dazai's, anyway. But it matters that he's thinking of her, she thinks.]
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It's... I might be dead, you know? We have no idea! Or maybe, I killed Fyodor and Chuuya, we also have no idea. Still, at home, I can predict everything to the smallest detail. I can't do that here because this place is still showing itself, and I am a little alone. Being good alone is difficult! I really just want to sleep for a month or two.
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You're not alone. [It's said firmly, her hand moving from his hair to briefly touch his cheek as if to make sure that she fully has his attention.] You have me, and Chuuya, and a lot of other people. I know it feels like it sometimes, but...
[She taps his cheek again, tap-tap. It's honesty hour? Okay.]
That's why I stay so busy. 'Cause otherwise I'd sleep all day, too. It'd be easier.
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she's learned that from him, he knows, he does that to her when he wants her to listen. each of his mentees, all so different, so many approaches he has done, so many he could have done; this one, he feels like he's doing... somewhat well. not perfect, but he's doing something, isn't he?
objectively, he's not alone. he just wants his family. he made it the pinnacle of his goodness, after all.)
You are aware you, much like me, are depressed, aren't you? I just don't have that level of energy!
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I'm not sad, though. Or like, not more than most people.
[She's just tired, bone-numbingly fatigued, but there are so many people who fought to be alive who didn't make it that it feels wrong to just do nothing. The busier she stays, the less lonely she feels, the more she can hide the exhaustion and the way her feelings don't seem to work quite right all the time.]
I just get my energy from everybody around.
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(HONESTY HOURS GOING SOMEWHERE.
he smiles, however, through this explanation, a sigh that doesn't sound much like exhaustion. he recognizes parts of himself when kotone looks at him, sees them reflected, adapted to her life - his own had been a bloodshed. her own survival had another color.)
No one is exactly the same, after all! Ah, well. You deal with it how you deal with it.
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[Like, what is she supposed to say to that? She just blinks at him, brows furrowed a little as she turns it over in her mind. It still doesn't sound completely right, like... it doesn't sound wrong, but...]
...I thought that was just normal.
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(seen how - he is terribly depressed and suicidal.)
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[She absolutely won't be doing that. Once again, she's lost track of what expression she's supposed to make, so she simply doesn't make one at all as she stares down at her hands in her lap.]
...Is this something everyone knows but me, you think?
[Will they like her less? Trust her less? Worry about her more?]
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I don't know? I'm myself, after all, Koto-chan. I just have an eye for things. I suppose that's why I have so many kiddos like yourself?
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[She stares at her hands a little longer, then just slumps sideways to rest her head against his shoulder.]
I know you said it's hard to be good, but... thanks, Dazai-san. For everything.
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(his hand comes to pet her, arm around her shoulders, comfortable and close.)
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I'll try. I'm hanging out with you, after all.
[It's a joke, kind of. Going out and breaking people's fingers for information really isn't her thing, so her standards for "being good" are probably different from Dazai's, anyway. But it matters that he's thinking of her, she thinks.]