[As soon as Akechi sees himself out, Chuuya doesn't hesitate--
He reaches over to Kotone, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a tight hug. There's a tension in his shoulders that slowly relaxes around her, a thread of relief in his voice that's only for Kotone's ears. He wasn't going to make Dazai's mistake and show his hand around the kid with a deathwish, but...]
Thank fuck you were here.
[His voice is rough. Chuuya knows. He knows, with that disturbing awareness he and Dazai have, that if Dazai had tortured Akechi over information about Oda, breaking his promise to the very same man, it would have destroyed him.
As much as his feelings about Dazai leaving, about Oda and everything were complicated.... he knew that promise was probably Dazai's lifeline.]
[She goes still in his arms, not entirely sure why he's hugging her. Again, hugs are something that had been so infrequent before coming to Aldrip that she almost doesn't know what to do when someone else is initiating it -- and even less in the aftermath of All Of That. She just kind of blinks, slowly wrapping her arms around him in return more on reflex than with any actual intent.
His voice sounds strange. It sounds like genuine relief, but she can't imagine why.]
I didn't do anything, Chuuya. I'm fine. You should go check on Dazai-san.
[Oh Kotone... She really underestimates herself, doesn't she?
But maybe it was was easy to underestimate yourself when you were surrounded by damaged people like them. The weight of such genuine actions, such choices, were never obvious unless you knew, after all.]
Kotone-chan... if Dazai had done what he could have done to that brat, for Oda's sake, he'd have never been able to live with it.
[A short, humorless laugh, breathless from relief. He rests his head on her shoulder, sighing.] He promised Oda he'd try to be a better person, to do good and save lives. And that promise means everything to him. What do you think would happen if he destroyed someone for information about Oda?
[But because of Kotone... Chuuya doesn't have to wonder if, when he goes searching for Dazai later, he'll fine a dead body instead.]
[Dimly, she realizes that she's starting to shake. The adrenaline rush is wearing off, and it's something she couldn't stop, even if she tried. She feels like she should be crying, but she can't. It's just an ugly blocked-up feeling of emotion that she can't figure out how to let out.]
I tried to remind him. About his promise. That's when he broke Akechi-san's finger.
[Which is better than getting shot, she guesses, but it's still hard not to see that as something she caused. Maybe it's because of her that things escalated to that point? Maybe if she'd kept herself out of it, Akechi wouldn't have gotten hurt before Chuuya stepped in. Maybe.]
I don't know what I could have done instead. If you hadn't shown up... I don't think he'd have stopped. I couldn't stop him.
Which is barely a scratch to either of us. He had a gun, y'know?
[He's... not sure how much he should be telling Kotone. He doesn't want to talk about the Book, not with how complex the issue was and how crazy it sounded.] Dazai got upset because you were right. He's a coward, he hates pain, and he hates being caught between a rock and a hard place. He's like a damn feral cat. He might know you're right, but he's still gotta try to bite to prove to himself he's capable of protecting Od-- ... of protecting what's important to him.
[He lets one hand come up, brushing through her hair. He hesitates before continuing.] We're both trained in torture, it's my mentor's area of expertise, but Dazai was even better than she was.
[He's not ashamed of his work. He does it for his family, for his city. But he's told Kotone far less about himself than Dazai has.] Dazai could have done so much worse, Kotone-chan. He could have crippled Akechi and had him writhing in pain, a bullet in each joint, long before I arrived. But he didn't, because he cares about you.
[She flinches a little at the blunt description of what Dazai could have done instead. A broken finger is considered nothing? It's so far beyond her area of expertise that she doesn't know what to do with it. Akihiko had gotten his ribs broken by a Shadow and hadn't been cleared to come back to combat for almost a month. Whatever Dazai did after the finger had already been broken definitely couldn't have made it better.
It's weird, isn't it? Getting reassurance from Chuuya when he's saying that he's trained in torture as well. It's even weirder to remember that Chuuya and Dazai are the guys she had dinner with, braided her hair, talked about stupid stuff with -- it's crazy. How can it be like this?]
...He shot at you 'cause he knew you could stop the bullets, right? 'Cause he trusts you.
[A broken finger is considered nothing, in the mafia. You grit your teeth and shoot with your other hand if you have to. Dazai so regularly broke bones back then it felt perpetual. Chuuya could have multiple fractured ribs and internal bleeding and he'd just walk it off until a mission was done.
But that's the thing about the mafia: at the end of the day, they're all still just people, protecting what's important to them. They still cherish those little moments of happiness, of humanity. Sitting down to eat with loved ones was a gift in a life of bloodshed.]
Bullets and projectiles do nothing against me, and he knows it. This is far from the first time he's shot at me, though it's generally a stupid prank.
[He lets out a breath. Because he does have some idea of Dazai's logic there, but...] Honestly? He was probably pissed he was getting ganged up on, but I think he also wanted to waste Akechi's ammo because he was feeling petty. That was his gun, right?
[Because at the very least he could inconvenience Akechi a little more by making his weapon worthless for a bit.] So basically, he was throwing a tantrum.
[What a world they come from where breaking a finger is considered getting off easy, shooting at each other is a stupid prank, and fighting with broken bones is normal. She can't understand it, not really, and she digs her chin into Chuuya's shoulder a little bit as she stares straight ahead.
Was it Akechi's gun? It must have been as she replays events in her mind. Dazai wouldn't have just left it on the table if it were his. Why did Akechi have a gun? Who pulled it first? She doesn't know. But she does know this place likes giving people weapons -- her naginata and Shinji's axe are proof of that.]
What should I do if something like this happens again...?
[Chuuya continues to hold her, gloved hand stroking her hair gently all the while. He doesn't know everything Dazai's told her, but seeing is often more impactful than telling, in Chuuya's experience. It's unfortunate that Kotone's first 'sight' of that sort of violence from either of them was against a friend of hers.]
You probably won't like this answer, but I'm gonna be honest: Exactly what you did before. You might think a broken finger means you failed, but I'm gonna take a guess and say that your friend was egging Dazai. Sometimes, you can't make every person in a room act the best way for the best outcome of a situation, especially when they're someone like Dazai... or that Akechi guy, I'm guessing. When that happens, you aim for the best outcome possible. Even Dazai isn't the kind of master manipulator who can control every variable.
[It's just a guess: He doesn't know Akechi at all, only that the violence in the guy's eyes screamed that he'd love to watch the world burn. It reminded him of the look on Dazai's face when they were younger, where he walked into a dangerous situation just because he could.
It says something disturbing about Chuuya, that he's able to read people like that so well.
But wasn't he the same, in his own ways?
He lets out a chuckle.] But when it comes to Dazai specifically, if all else fails: don't hesitate to slap him or something. Kicking his ass tends to work for me. Call him a dumbass mackerel or a stupid self-sabotaging bastard.
[She huffs a little through her nose, not quite able to manage a laugh, but at least it's something as she sags against him.]
You were able to just... stop them. Stop them both. That's what I'd wanted to do, but I...
[Her throat closes up. Admitting her own weaknesses doesn't come easily to her, because she's supposed to be the leader. She's the one people look to for answers, the one people expect to be strong. But Chuuya doesn't expect that from her. So maybe it's okay.]
I wasn't strong enough. The last time I felt that helpless, people died. Or went into comas, or-
[The hands that had been helplessly resting against his back tighten suddenly against the wave of emotion as the memory of the gunshots once again evokes the memory of Shinji getting shot, and how that had almost killed him.]
I was afraid if I tried to grab him, he'd pull the trigger anyway, and then it would be my fault.
[Oh hell... is she comparing herself to him? That's...
And oh. Comas...? Died? Shit. He'd known Kotone must have been through some shit, to be able to tolerate him and Dazai being.... themselves, but damn. He grimaces, silent for a moment before deciding, fuck it.] Dazai and I have both been in a lot of violence situations, since... well, since long before your age. And my ability makes me.... well, unique in that regard. If I'm not pummeling people, I'm immobilizing them, but I've been handling situations like that since I was in the single digits because of it. I used to believe that because of my ability, it was my responsibility to look out for those around me, to protect them and do what they couldn't.
[He sighs, curling his arms around her just a tiny bit tighter.] But was I any good at it for a long time? Not really. I fucked up. I fucked up a lot, and a lot of people got hurt, people even died. I lost my first home because of it.
Strength isn't everything. Experience takes time. But you're good at understanding people, Kotone-chan. Miles better than I was at your age. You don't need to be able to manipulate gravity to reach out to people and help, understand-- you do that well enough as you are.
Even if it doesn't work out perfectly every time, you're still braver and stronger than most people are, and I'm not kidding when I say Akechi should be thanking you for saving his ass. He was able to get up and walk out of this bar because you reminded Dazai of his humanity. That's a victory, Kotone. You did that.
[She digs her chin into his shoulder a little harder, letting him talk and just listening. It's always what she's preferred to do, listen instead of talk, and she respects Chuuya enough to take his words to heart.
She wants to ask about what happened, how he lost his home, how he'd messed up badly enough that people had gotten hurt and died, but... she's tired. She doesn't want to know, not right now. Maybe another day, she can ask, when she's prepared for it.
Her eyes stare over his shoulder, still dry from tears that she can't figure out how to shed as she keeps her grip on him and just turns his words over and over in her brain. He sounds like he means it, when he says that she'd done the best she could. She thinks she might even be able to believe him, eventually. But it still hurts right now.]
You said... you used to think it was your responsibility to protect people and look out for them, [she says finally,] What changed...?
[His smile is sad. It's an old scar, what happened with the sheep. A reminder he carries with him, even if he and Shirase have mended fences now. The physical one left on his body from a rat poison coated knife didn't compare in the least to the scar it left in his heart.]
...I took too much of it. It left the people I cared most about--my gang, my family--dependent on me for protection, and the moment they thought my allegiance might waver, they panicked. I didn't look at things from their perspective, I didn't realize how helpless they felt, having to rely on a guy like me. That their safety relied on my feelings, on my motivations staying with them, always. So when I went looking for answers to questions I had my whole life... when they thought I might leave...
[He laughs, just a little self-depreciating.] In that regard, you're already much better than I was. You get people so much better than you give yourself credit for, y'know? It's a real skill. It's the kind of skill a leader needs, and one I had to learn the hard way.
[It left them dependent on his protection...? They couldn't act for themselves...? She knits her brows together, trying to imagine that. Everyone on her team could take care of themselves, protect themselves, without her. It's why she was able to make the sacrifice she did at the end; she knew they'd be okay. The thought that people would rely on her so much that they wouldn't be able to act for themselves is unfathomable.
From the tone of Chuuya's voice, she thinks that's a good thing. It sounds like it must have been horrible.
Her heart lurches in her chest when he says it's the kind of skill a leader needs. It doesn't feel like a skill. Sometimes it just feels like being nosy, or meddling. Akechi had made that clear enough that he thought she was in the way.]
I didn't do it by myself. I had help. [Theo, Igor, nudging her in the direction of social links. Her Personas, giving her little hints with certain people to help her figure out the right thing to say. Here, she only has herself, and that doesn't feel like enough right now.] I think... I need to get better, but I don't know how.
[When you have a supernatural power all your life, you start to underestimate the gulf of power between yourself and others. Chuuya had thought it wasn't possible for his friends, his family to turn on him, but fear? Fear made people stupid.
He likes to think he's a better leader now, reliable. But it was only because he learned through error.] Help doesn't really make it less of a talent, in my opinion. You can give someone all the advice you like, but unless they are willing to listen and put it into practice, they're never gonna learn. You? You can handle me and Dazai in the same room, and hold a conversation. There are mafioso who can't do that. Just 'cause a guy wants to make his own life harder by taunting the demon prodigy doesn't mean you're bad at anything.
[Which. is frankly a skill in and of itself. Chuuya knows they freak people out, okay, he's heard enough of that from pretty much everyone in his life. He makes a quiet noise of consideration at her words, hand stroking through her hair again before pulling back, just a little, to look her in the eyes with a smile.] I don't think you're lacking, as a friend and a person.
...But wanting to grow? That's understandable. There's always stuff to learn, I think. What do you think you need? And I'm not talking about helping other people here either. I'm asking what you think you need to be content with yourself.
[Sometimes, you needs a goal, a purpose to keep going steady. It's something he can relate to keenly.]
[Maybe that's one of the differences, then. She only had her powers for less than a year. Well, Death had been locked inside her for the past ten, but -- well, she hadn't known that until a few months ago.
But she makes a bit of a face. Of course she can handle Dazai and Chuuya in the same room. They hadn't done anything bad to each other, or to her. It had just been normal bickering for the most part. But it means something when he says it; she doesn't think Chuuya would just give her empty words to feel better.
So when he says that he doesn't think she's lacking, she believes it. Her face screws up a little, like she might cry, but frustratingly, she still can't figure out how to manage it. Maybe she'd feel better if she could.]
That's a hard question. [Her voice is a mumble, and she can't quite meet his eyes as she retreats inward, trying to think about what she wants, outside of anyone else's desires. If she isn't helping people, who is she?] I just... want to be someone people can rely on.
[That look on her face, like she might cry any moment now but can't quite tip over the edge, breaks Chuuya's heart a little. It reminds him of Dazai just a little, and he wonders if that's what helped the two of them mesh so well in the beginning.
There are people who could probably better answer Kotone's question, in truth. Chuuya took pride in his own free will, but he's still someone who puts the needs of others before himself almost always, a habit ingrained from childhood to a somewhat unhealthy degree. And Dazai? Dazai was clinging to a promise he made to a dead man as a lifeline, a guidepost in the dark.
Suffice it to say, neither of them were great sources of advice there. He pats her head a little bit more as she mulls his question over, silent but steady support.] And what does that look like to you? What do you think you need to become that person? You're already pretty reliable in my opinion, so you clearly have something specific in mind.
[Truthfully, someone less fucked up would probably tell Kotone there was no need to focus on that at her age. But Chuuya remembers being her age, pushing his limits to rise higher and higher, for his own desires and to protect what mattered to him.] Is it Power? Learning? Connections? There are a lot of things people can rely on a person for. In what way do you want to be reliable, and why?
[She closes her eyes, really trying to think about the options Chuuya's laying out. He says she's reliable, but that can't really be true, can it? She can't imagine what Chuuya could possibly be relying on her for.
No, power isn't quite right. Not connections, either, and not learning. Maybe some part of all of those, but not in its entirety. Or maybe it's that--]
All of those? [she ventures uncertainly, then shakes her head. No, that's not right. What is it that she wants?]
I want to be... whatever anyone needs, I think. I want to protect people and support them, be someone they can talk to and trust. Someone who can help my friends with anything, no matter what.
[Hm... It's... telling, that what Kotone wants is to be helpful to others, but it's a very vague, expansive want as well. To want to be what everyone, anyone needs, at any given moment, is something he can hear Kouyou's voice chiding him for in his head.
But how to explain that? How to even draw lines from that desire, when he's still the kind of person who struggles with it as well? He's not equipped for that.
What he can do for her, though, is--] Alright. That isn't a lot of direction, but I think I can help you learn some things, at least. I remember that naginata you had... you a martial artist?
[Funnily enough, it's something she'd talked to Dazai about before as well -- who is she, if she's not helping others? Part of having the potential to awaken dozens of different Personas was being able to switch her face at will, be whatever anyone needed her to be. Here, it doesn't feel like she's enough.
She huffs humorlessly through her nose at the question and shakes her head.]
Not really. I mean, I can use it, but I don't have any formal training or anything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Right after Akechi leaves, after the Mess with Dazai
He reaches over to Kotone, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a tight hug. There's a tension in his shoulders that slowly relaxes around her, a thread of relief in his voice that's only for Kotone's ears. He wasn't going to make Dazai's mistake and show his hand around the kid with a deathwish, but...]
Thank fuck you were here.
[His voice is rough. Chuuya knows. He knows, with that disturbing awareness he and Dazai have, that if Dazai had tortured Akechi over information about Oda, breaking his promise to the very same man, it would have destroyed him.
As much as his feelings about Dazai leaving, about Oda and everything were complicated.... he knew that promise was probably Dazai's lifeline.]
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[She goes still in his arms, not entirely sure why he's hugging her. Again, hugs are something that had been so infrequent before coming to Aldrip that she almost doesn't know what to do when someone else is initiating it -- and even less in the aftermath of All Of That. She just kind of blinks, slowly wrapping her arms around him in return more on reflex than with any actual intent.
His voice sounds strange. It sounds like genuine relief, but she can't imagine why.]
I didn't do anything, Chuuya. I'm fine. You should go check on Dazai-san.
CW: Mentions of suicidal tendencies
But maybe it was was easy to underestimate yourself when you were surrounded by damaged people like them. The weight of such genuine actions, such choices, were never obvious unless you knew, after all.]
Kotone-chan... if Dazai had done what he could have done to that brat, for Oda's sake, he'd have never been able to live with it.
[A short, humorless laugh, breathless from relief. He rests his head on her shoulder, sighing.] He promised Oda he'd try to be a better person, to do good and save lives. And that promise means everything to him. What do you think would happen if he destroyed someone for information about Oda?
[But because of Kotone... Chuuya doesn't have to wonder if, when he goes searching for Dazai later, he'll fine a dead body instead.]
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I tried to remind him. About his promise. That's when he broke Akechi-san's finger.
[Which is better than getting shot, she guesses, but it's still hard not to see that as something she caused. Maybe it's because of her that things escalated to that point? Maybe if she'd kept herself out of it, Akechi wouldn't have gotten hurt before Chuuya stepped in. Maybe.]
I don't know what I could have done instead. If you hadn't shown up... I don't think he'd have stopped. I couldn't stop him.
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[He's... not sure how much he should be telling Kotone. He doesn't want to talk about the Book, not with how complex the issue was and how crazy it sounded.] Dazai got upset because you were right. He's a coward, he hates pain, and he hates being caught between a rock and a hard place. He's like a damn feral cat. He might know you're right, but he's still gotta try to bite to prove to himself he's capable of protecting Od-- ... of protecting what's important to him.
[He lets one hand come up, brushing through her hair. He hesitates before continuing.] We're both trained in torture, it's my mentor's area of expertise, but Dazai was even better than she was.
[He's not ashamed of his work. He does it for his family, for his city. But he's told Kotone far less about himself than Dazai has.] Dazai could have done so much worse, Kotone-chan. He could have crippled Akechi and had him writhing in pain, a bullet in each joint, long before I arrived. But he didn't, because he cares about you.
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It's weird, isn't it? Getting reassurance from Chuuya when he's saying that he's trained in torture as well. It's even weirder to remember that Chuuya and Dazai are the guys she had dinner with, braided her hair, talked about stupid stuff with -- it's crazy. How can it be like this?]
...He shot at you 'cause he knew you could stop the bullets, right? 'Cause he trusts you.
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But that's the thing about the mafia: at the end of the day, they're all still just people, protecting what's important to them. They still cherish those little moments of happiness, of humanity. Sitting down to eat with loved ones was a gift in a life of bloodshed.]
Bullets and projectiles do nothing against me, and he knows it. This is far from the first time he's shot at me, though it's generally a stupid prank.
[He lets out a breath. Because he does have some idea of Dazai's logic there, but...] Honestly? He was probably pissed he was getting ganged up on, but I think he also wanted to waste Akechi's ammo because he was feeling petty. That was his gun, right?
[Because at the very least he could inconvenience Akechi a little more by making his weapon worthless for a bit.] So basically, he was throwing a tantrum.
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Was it Akechi's gun? It must have been as she replays events in her mind. Dazai wouldn't have just left it on the table if it were his. Why did Akechi have a gun? Who pulled it first? She doesn't know. But she does know this place likes giving people weapons -- her naginata and Shinji's axe are proof of that.]
What should I do if something like this happens again...?
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You probably won't like this answer, but I'm gonna be honest: Exactly what you did before. You might think a broken finger means you failed, but I'm gonna take a guess and say that your friend was egging Dazai. Sometimes, you can't make every person in a room act the best way for the best outcome of a situation, especially when they're someone like Dazai... or that Akechi guy, I'm guessing. When that happens, you aim for the best outcome possible. Even Dazai isn't the kind of master manipulator who can control every variable.
[It's just a guess: He doesn't know Akechi at all, only that the violence in the guy's eyes screamed that he'd love to watch the world burn. It reminded him of the look on Dazai's face when they were younger, where he walked into a dangerous situation just because he could.
It says something disturbing about Chuuya, that he's able to read people like that so well.
But wasn't he the same, in his own ways?
He lets out a chuckle.] But when it comes to Dazai specifically, if all else fails: don't hesitate to slap him or something. Kicking his ass tends to work for me. Call him a dumbass mackerel or a stupid self-sabotaging bastard.
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You were able to just... stop them. Stop them both. That's what I'd wanted to do, but I...
[Her throat closes up. Admitting her own weaknesses doesn't come easily to her, because she's supposed to be the leader. She's the one people look to for answers, the one people expect to be strong. But Chuuya doesn't expect that from her. So maybe it's okay.]
I wasn't strong enough. The last time I felt that helpless, people died. Or went into comas, or-
[The hands that had been helplessly resting against his back tighten suddenly against the wave of emotion as the memory of the gunshots once again evokes the memory of Shinji getting shot, and how that had almost killed him.]
I was afraid if I tried to grab him, he'd pull the trigger anyway, and then it would be my fault.
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And oh. Comas...? Died? Shit. He'd known Kotone must have been through some shit, to be able to tolerate him and Dazai being.... themselves, but damn. He grimaces, silent for a moment before deciding, fuck it.] Dazai and I have both been in a lot of violence situations, since... well, since long before your age. And my ability makes me.... well, unique in that regard. If I'm not pummeling people, I'm immobilizing them, but I've been handling situations like that since I was in the single digits because of it. I used to believe that because of my ability, it was my responsibility to look out for those around me, to protect them and do what they couldn't.
[He sighs, curling his arms around her just a tiny bit tighter.] But was I any good at it for a long time? Not really. I fucked up. I fucked up a lot, and a lot of people got hurt, people even died. I lost my first home because of it.
Strength isn't everything. Experience takes time. But you're good at understanding people, Kotone-chan. Miles better than I was at your age. You don't need to be able to manipulate gravity to reach out to people and help, understand-- you do that well enough as you are.
Even if it doesn't work out perfectly every time, you're still braver and stronger than most people are, and I'm not kidding when I say Akechi should be thanking you for saving his ass. He was able to get up and walk out of this bar because you reminded Dazai of his humanity. That's a victory, Kotone. You did that.
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She wants to ask about what happened, how he lost his home, how he'd messed up badly enough that people had gotten hurt and died, but... she's tired. She doesn't want to know, not right now. Maybe another day, she can ask, when she's prepared for it.
Her eyes stare over his shoulder, still dry from tears that she can't figure out how to shed as she keeps her grip on him and just turns his words over and over in her brain. He sounds like he means it, when he says that she'd done the best she could. She thinks she might even be able to believe him, eventually. But it still hurts right now.]
You said... you used to think it was your responsibility to protect people and look out for them, [she says finally,] What changed...?
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...I took too much of it. It left the people I cared most about--my gang, my family--dependent on me for protection, and the moment they thought my allegiance might waver, they panicked. I didn't look at things from their perspective, I didn't realize how helpless they felt, having to rely on a guy like me. That their safety relied on my feelings, on my motivations staying with them, always. So when I went looking for answers to questions I had my whole life... when they thought I might leave...
[He laughs, just a little self-depreciating.] In that regard, you're already much better than I was. You get people so much better than you give yourself credit for, y'know? It's a real skill. It's the kind of skill a leader needs, and one I had to learn the hard way.
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From the tone of Chuuya's voice, she thinks that's a good thing. It sounds like it must have been horrible.
Her heart lurches in her chest when he says it's the kind of skill a leader needs. It doesn't feel like a skill. Sometimes it just feels like being nosy, or meddling. Akechi had made that clear enough that he thought she was in the way.]
I didn't do it by myself. I had help. [Theo, Igor, nudging her in the direction of social links. Her Personas, giving her little hints with certain people to help her figure out the right thing to say. Here, she only has herself, and that doesn't feel like enough right now.] I think... I need to get better, but I don't know how.
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He likes to think he's a better leader now, reliable. But it was only because he learned through error.] Help doesn't really make it less of a talent, in my opinion. You can give someone all the advice you like, but unless they are willing to listen and put it into practice, they're never gonna learn. You? You can handle me and Dazai in the same room, and hold a conversation. There are mafioso who can't do that. Just 'cause a guy wants to make his own life harder by taunting the demon prodigy doesn't mean you're bad at anything.
[Which. is frankly a skill in and of itself. Chuuya knows they freak people out, okay, he's heard enough of that from pretty much everyone in his life. He makes a quiet noise of consideration at her words, hand stroking through her hair again before pulling back, just a little, to look her in the eyes with a smile.] I don't think you're lacking, as a friend and a person.
...But wanting to grow? That's understandable. There's always stuff to learn, I think. What do you think you need? And I'm not talking about helping other people here either. I'm asking what you think you need to be content with yourself.
[Sometimes, you needs a goal, a purpose to keep going steady. It's something he can relate to keenly.]
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But she makes a bit of a face. Of course she can handle Dazai and Chuuya in the same room. They hadn't done anything bad to each other, or to her. It had just been normal bickering for the most part. But it means something when he says it; she doesn't think Chuuya would just give her empty words to feel better.
So when he says that he doesn't think she's lacking, she believes it. Her face screws up a little, like she might cry, but frustratingly, she still can't figure out how to manage it. Maybe she'd feel better if she could.]
That's a hard question. [Her voice is a mumble, and she can't quite meet his eyes as she retreats inward, trying to think about what she wants, outside of anyone else's desires. If she isn't helping people, who is she?] I just... want to be someone people can rely on.
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There are people who could probably better answer Kotone's question, in truth. Chuuya took pride in his own free will, but he's still someone who puts the needs of others before himself almost always, a habit ingrained from childhood to a somewhat unhealthy degree. And Dazai? Dazai was clinging to a promise he made to a dead man as a lifeline, a guidepost in the dark.
Suffice it to say, neither of them were great sources of advice there. He pats her head a little bit more as she mulls his question over, silent but steady support.] And what does that look like to you? What do you think you need to become that person? You're already pretty reliable in my opinion, so you clearly have something specific in mind.
[Truthfully, someone less fucked up would probably tell Kotone there was no need to focus on that at her age. But Chuuya remembers being her age, pushing his limits to rise higher and higher, for his own desires and to protect what mattered to him.] Is it Power? Learning? Connections? There are a lot of things people can rely on a person for. In what way do you want to be reliable, and why?
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No, power isn't quite right. Not connections, either, and not learning. Maybe some part of all of those, but not in its entirety. Or maybe it's that--]
All of those? [she ventures uncertainly, then shakes her head. No, that's not right. What is it that she wants?]
I want to be... whatever anyone needs, I think. I want to protect people and support them, be someone they can talk to and trust. Someone who can help my friends with anything, no matter what.
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But how to explain that? How to even draw lines from that desire, when he's still the kind of person who struggles with it as well? He's not equipped for that.
What he can do for her, though, is--] Alright. That isn't a lot of direction, but I think I can help you learn some things, at least. I remember that naginata you had... you a martial artist?
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She huffs humorlessly through her nose at the question and shakes her head.]
Not really. I mean, I can use it, but I don't have any formal training or anything.