[Oh hell... is she comparing herself to him? That's...
And oh. Comas...? Died? Shit. He'd known Kotone must have been through some shit, to be able to tolerate him and Dazai being.... themselves, but damn. He grimaces, silent for a moment before deciding, fuck it.] Dazai and I have both been in a lot of violence situations, since... well, since long before your age. And my ability makes me.... well, unique in that regard. If I'm not pummeling people, I'm immobilizing them, but I've been handling situations like that since I was in the single digits because of it. I used to believe that because of my ability, it was my responsibility to look out for those around me, to protect them and do what they couldn't.
[He sighs, curling his arms around her just a tiny bit tighter.] But was I any good at it for a long time? Not really. I fucked up. I fucked up a lot, and a lot of people got hurt, people even died. I lost my first home because of it.
Strength isn't everything. Experience takes time. But you're good at understanding people, Kotone-chan. Miles better than I was at your age. You don't need to be able to manipulate gravity to reach out to people and help, understand-- you do that well enough as you are.
Even if it doesn't work out perfectly every time, you're still braver and stronger than most people are, and I'm not kidding when I say Akechi should be thanking you for saving his ass. He was able to get up and walk out of this bar because you reminded Dazai of his humanity. That's a victory, Kotone. You did that.
[She digs her chin into his shoulder a little harder, letting him talk and just listening. It's always what she's preferred to do, listen instead of talk, and she respects Chuuya enough to take his words to heart.
She wants to ask about what happened, how he lost his home, how he'd messed up badly enough that people had gotten hurt and died, but... she's tired. She doesn't want to know, not right now. Maybe another day, she can ask, when she's prepared for it.
Her eyes stare over his shoulder, still dry from tears that she can't figure out how to shed as she keeps her grip on him and just turns his words over and over in her brain. He sounds like he means it, when he says that she'd done the best she could. She thinks she might even be able to believe him, eventually. But it still hurts right now.]
You said... you used to think it was your responsibility to protect people and look out for them, [she says finally,] What changed...?
[His smile is sad. It's an old scar, what happened with the sheep. A reminder he carries with him, even if he and Shirase have mended fences now. The physical one left on his body from a rat poison coated knife didn't compare in the least to the scar it left in his heart.]
...I took too much of it. It left the people I cared most about--my gang, my family--dependent on me for protection, and the moment they thought my allegiance might waver, they panicked. I didn't look at things from their perspective, I didn't realize how helpless they felt, having to rely on a guy like me. That their safety relied on my feelings, on my motivations staying with them, always. So when I went looking for answers to questions I had my whole life... when they thought I might leave...
[He laughs, just a little self-depreciating.] In that regard, you're already much better than I was. You get people so much better than you give yourself credit for, y'know? It's a real skill. It's the kind of skill a leader needs, and one I had to learn the hard way.
[It left them dependent on his protection...? They couldn't act for themselves...? She knits her brows together, trying to imagine that. Everyone on her team could take care of themselves, protect themselves, without her. It's why she was able to make the sacrifice she did at the end; she knew they'd be okay. The thought that people would rely on her so much that they wouldn't be able to act for themselves is unfathomable.
From the tone of Chuuya's voice, she thinks that's a good thing. It sounds like it must have been horrible.
Her heart lurches in her chest when he says it's the kind of skill a leader needs. It doesn't feel like a skill. Sometimes it just feels like being nosy, or meddling. Akechi had made that clear enough that he thought she was in the way.]
I didn't do it by myself. I had help. [Theo, Igor, nudging her in the direction of social links. Her Personas, giving her little hints with certain people to help her figure out the right thing to say. Here, she only has herself, and that doesn't feel like enough right now.] I think... I need to get better, but I don't know how.
[When you have a supernatural power all your life, you start to underestimate the gulf of power between yourself and others. Chuuya had thought it wasn't possible for his friends, his family to turn on him, but fear? Fear made people stupid.
He likes to think he's a better leader now, reliable. But it was only because he learned through error.] Help doesn't really make it less of a talent, in my opinion. You can give someone all the advice you like, but unless they are willing to listen and put it into practice, they're never gonna learn. You? You can handle me and Dazai in the same room, and hold a conversation. There are mafioso who can't do that. Just 'cause a guy wants to make his own life harder by taunting the demon prodigy doesn't mean you're bad at anything.
[Which. is frankly a skill in and of itself. Chuuya knows they freak people out, okay, he's heard enough of that from pretty much everyone in his life. He makes a quiet noise of consideration at her words, hand stroking through her hair again before pulling back, just a little, to look her in the eyes with a smile.] I don't think you're lacking, as a friend and a person.
...But wanting to grow? That's understandable. There's always stuff to learn, I think. What do you think you need? And I'm not talking about helping other people here either. I'm asking what you think you need to be content with yourself.
[Sometimes, you needs a goal, a purpose to keep going steady. It's something he can relate to keenly.]
[Maybe that's one of the differences, then. She only had her powers for less than a year. Well, Death had been locked inside her for the past ten, but -- well, she hadn't known that until a few months ago.
But she makes a bit of a face. Of course she can handle Dazai and Chuuya in the same room. They hadn't done anything bad to each other, or to her. It had just been normal bickering for the most part. But it means something when he says it; she doesn't think Chuuya would just give her empty words to feel better.
So when he says that he doesn't think she's lacking, she believes it. Her face screws up a little, like she might cry, but frustratingly, she still can't figure out how to manage it. Maybe she'd feel better if she could.]
That's a hard question. [Her voice is a mumble, and she can't quite meet his eyes as she retreats inward, trying to think about what she wants, outside of anyone else's desires. If she isn't helping people, who is she?] I just... want to be someone people can rely on.
[That look on her face, like she might cry any moment now but can't quite tip over the edge, breaks Chuuya's heart a little. It reminds him of Dazai just a little, and he wonders if that's what helped the two of them mesh so well in the beginning.
There are people who could probably better answer Kotone's question, in truth. Chuuya took pride in his own free will, but he's still someone who puts the needs of others before himself almost always, a habit ingrained from childhood to a somewhat unhealthy degree. And Dazai? Dazai was clinging to a promise he made to a dead man as a lifeline, a guidepost in the dark.
Suffice it to say, neither of them were great sources of advice there. He pats her head a little bit more as she mulls his question over, silent but steady support.] And what does that look like to you? What do you think you need to become that person? You're already pretty reliable in my opinion, so you clearly have something specific in mind.
[Truthfully, someone less fucked up would probably tell Kotone there was no need to focus on that at her age. But Chuuya remembers being her age, pushing his limits to rise higher and higher, for his own desires and to protect what mattered to him.] Is it Power? Learning? Connections? There are a lot of things people can rely on a person for. In what way do you want to be reliable, and why?
[She closes her eyes, really trying to think about the options Chuuya's laying out. He says she's reliable, but that can't really be true, can it? She can't imagine what Chuuya could possibly be relying on her for.
No, power isn't quite right. Not connections, either, and not learning. Maybe some part of all of those, but not in its entirety. Or maybe it's that--]
All of those? [she ventures uncertainly, then shakes her head. No, that's not right. What is it that she wants?]
I want to be... whatever anyone needs, I think. I want to protect people and support them, be someone they can talk to and trust. Someone who can help my friends with anything, no matter what.
[Hm... It's... telling, that what Kotone wants is to be helpful to others, but it's a very vague, expansive want as well. To want to be what everyone, anyone needs, at any given moment, is something he can hear Kouyou's voice chiding him for in his head.
But how to explain that? How to even draw lines from that desire, when he's still the kind of person who struggles with it as well? He's not equipped for that.
What he can do for her, though, is--] Alright. That isn't a lot of direction, but I think I can help you learn some things, at least. I remember that naginata you had... you a martial artist?
[Funnily enough, it's something she'd talked to Dazai about before as well -- who is she, if she's not helping others? Part of having the potential to awaken dozens of different Personas was being able to switch her face at will, be whatever anyone needed her to be. Here, it doesn't feel like she's enough.
She huffs humorlessly through her nose at the question and shakes her head.]
Not really. I mean, I can use it, but I don't have any formal training or anything.
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And oh. Comas...? Died? Shit. He'd known Kotone must have been through some shit, to be able to tolerate him and Dazai being.... themselves, but damn. He grimaces, silent for a moment before deciding, fuck it.] Dazai and I have both been in a lot of violence situations, since... well, since long before your age. And my ability makes me.... well, unique in that regard. If I'm not pummeling people, I'm immobilizing them, but I've been handling situations like that since I was in the single digits because of it. I used to believe that because of my ability, it was my responsibility to look out for those around me, to protect them and do what they couldn't.
[He sighs, curling his arms around her just a tiny bit tighter.] But was I any good at it for a long time? Not really. I fucked up. I fucked up a lot, and a lot of people got hurt, people even died. I lost my first home because of it.
Strength isn't everything. Experience takes time. But you're good at understanding people, Kotone-chan. Miles better than I was at your age. You don't need to be able to manipulate gravity to reach out to people and help, understand-- you do that well enough as you are.
Even if it doesn't work out perfectly every time, you're still braver and stronger than most people are, and I'm not kidding when I say Akechi should be thanking you for saving his ass. He was able to get up and walk out of this bar because you reminded Dazai of his humanity. That's a victory, Kotone. You did that.
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She wants to ask about what happened, how he lost his home, how he'd messed up badly enough that people had gotten hurt and died, but... she's tired. She doesn't want to know, not right now. Maybe another day, she can ask, when she's prepared for it.
Her eyes stare over his shoulder, still dry from tears that she can't figure out how to shed as she keeps her grip on him and just turns his words over and over in her brain. He sounds like he means it, when he says that she'd done the best she could. She thinks she might even be able to believe him, eventually. But it still hurts right now.]
You said... you used to think it was your responsibility to protect people and look out for them, [she says finally,] What changed...?
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...I took too much of it. It left the people I cared most about--my gang, my family--dependent on me for protection, and the moment they thought my allegiance might waver, they panicked. I didn't look at things from their perspective, I didn't realize how helpless they felt, having to rely on a guy like me. That their safety relied on my feelings, on my motivations staying with them, always. So when I went looking for answers to questions I had my whole life... when they thought I might leave...
[He laughs, just a little self-depreciating.] In that regard, you're already much better than I was. You get people so much better than you give yourself credit for, y'know? It's a real skill. It's the kind of skill a leader needs, and one I had to learn the hard way.
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From the tone of Chuuya's voice, she thinks that's a good thing. It sounds like it must have been horrible.
Her heart lurches in her chest when he says it's the kind of skill a leader needs. It doesn't feel like a skill. Sometimes it just feels like being nosy, or meddling. Akechi had made that clear enough that he thought she was in the way.]
I didn't do it by myself. I had help. [Theo, Igor, nudging her in the direction of social links. Her Personas, giving her little hints with certain people to help her figure out the right thing to say. Here, she only has herself, and that doesn't feel like enough right now.] I think... I need to get better, but I don't know how.
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He likes to think he's a better leader now, reliable. But it was only because he learned through error.] Help doesn't really make it less of a talent, in my opinion. You can give someone all the advice you like, but unless they are willing to listen and put it into practice, they're never gonna learn. You? You can handle me and Dazai in the same room, and hold a conversation. There are mafioso who can't do that. Just 'cause a guy wants to make his own life harder by taunting the demon prodigy doesn't mean you're bad at anything.
[Which. is frankly a skill in and of itself. Chuuya knows they freak people out, okay, he's heard enough of that from pretty much everyone in his life. He makes a quiet noise of consideration at her words, hand stroking through her hair again before pulling back, just a little, to look her in the eyes with a smile.] I don't think you're lacking, as a friend and a person.
...But wanting to grow? That's understandable. There's always stuff to learn, I think. What do you think you need? And I'm not talking about helping other people here either. I'm asking what you think you need to be content with yourself.
[Sometimes, you needs a goal, a purpose to keep going steady. It's something he can relate to keenly.]
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But she makes a bit of a face. Of course she can handle Dazai and Chuuya in the same room. They hadn't done anything bad to each other, or to her. It had just been normal bickering for the most part. But it means something when he says it; she doesn't think Chuuya would just give her empty words to feel better.
So when he says that he doesn't think she's lacking, she believes it. Her face screws up a little, like she might cry, but frustratingly, she still can't figure out how to manage it. Maybe she'd feel better if she could.]
That's a hard question. [Her voice is a mumble, and she can't quite meet his eyes as she retreats inward, trying to think about what she wants, outside of anyone else's desires. If she isn't helping people, who is she?] I just... want to be someone people can rely on.
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There are people who could probably better answer Kotone's question, in truth. Chuuya took pride in his own free will, but he's still someone who puts the needs of others before himself almost always, a habit ingrained from childhood to a somewhat unhealthy degree. And Dazai? Dazai was clinging to a promise he made to a dead man as a lifeline, a guidepost in the dark.
Suffice it to say, neither of them were great sources of advice there. He pats her head a little bit more as she mulls his question over, silent but steady support.] And what does that look like to you? What do you think you need to become that person? You're already pretty reliable in my opinion, so you clearly have something specific in mind.
[Truthfully, someone less fucked up would probably tell Kotone there was no need to focus on that at her age. But Chuuya remembers being her age, pushing his limits to rise higher and higher, for his own desires and to protect what mattered to him.] Is it Power? Learning? Connections? There are a lot of things people can rely on a person for. In what way do you want to be reliable, and why?
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No, power isn't quite right. Not connections, either, and not learning. Maybe some part of all of those, but not in its entirety. Or maybe it's that--]
All of those? [she ventures uncertainly, then shakes her head. No, that's not right. What is it that she wants?]
I want to be... whatever anyone needs, I think. I want to protect people and support them, be someone they can talk to and trust. Someone who can help my friends with anything, no matter what.
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But how to explain that? How to even draw lines from that desire, when he's still the kind of person who struggles with it as well? He's not equipped for that.
What he can do for her, though, is--] Alright. That isn't a lot of direction, but I think I can help you learn some things, at least. I remember that naginata you had... you a martial artist?
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She huffs humorlessly through her nose at the question and shakes her head.]
Not really. I mean, I can use it, but I don't have any formal training or anything.