[No friends at the old school? Girlfriend? She finishes the last of her sandwich and just balls up the bag next to her, keeping her head against his shoulder and gently kicking her feet. The people at her school, her team, are the most important people she can imagine. Maybe that's why Shinji's disappearance hit her so hard. It's not like she wouldn't be sad if Rio from Tennis Club or Hidetoshi from Student Council had been here and disappeared, but it's different when it's someone from SEES. If Ken disappears too, she'll...
[As in, Scott didn't really have friends at his old school.
Sure, guess there were some other guys he'd sort of hang out with here and there, but he doesn't find himself missing them at all. It was just a dumb school in the suburbs that he didn't really click with, so of course he had to cause a little trouble when he was feeling particularly pissed off and speak with the principal as a result of that. Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.]
[Well, for her, anyway. It's not like she didn't know people who'd had a hard time at Gekkoukan -- she'd helped a few of them, after all! -- but it was pretty easy for her.]
I mean, there were some people who weren't great, like this one guy who kept taking pictures of me in my gym uniform, and these other girls that were bullying one of my friends for a while, but... it all worked out in the end. I miss it, kind of. I'd have liked to do my third year there, anyway. Or at least go to the Cultural Festival!
[Scott's face visibly scrunches upon hearing that, especially the 'guy taking pictures of Kotone in her gym uniform.' That's some real weirdo behavior, hopefully he got punched or something because freak!! But besides that and the bullying, it sounds like her school is pretty cool, especially if it had a view of the ocean.
He looks over the town once more.]
Hm? Is there a reason why you aren't doing your third year there?
[Her feet stop swinging for a moment, and if he glances down, he'll see her smile fix to her face for a moment. Hm. Treat him like a baby duck, right...?]
Some stuff happened! [she says after a beat too long of a pause, after her feet start swinging again.] So I can't do my third year there. It's okay, though. You've met Ken-kun, right? He's from my future, kind of, so he's told me about what all my friends have been up to after I was gone.
[Oh. Okay. Maybe she had to move or something? That happens a lot, but... Scott bites his lip, suddenly feeling like he's missing something. It's not that he thinks she's lying, but Kotone is also being really vague. She could've just said she moved, or maybe it is pretty personal??
Scott keeps his gaze focused on the town still, although he sounds serious, if just for a moment.]
It's okay if you don't want to tell me-- you can just say that.
[But he's moving on with this slight change in topic.] I actually haven't met Ken yet, but geez, you made him tell you all about the future? [He lightly ribs her.] Pretty sure that's against time laws.
[A wince. She can almost hear the lack of approval points in that response, even as he ribs her. It's not even something that upsets her that much, usually, but it upsets other people. The way Ken had cried when he'd first seen her here had really driven that home.
The only other ones who know are Goro and Dazai. Does she want Scott to know...? It wouldn't be better for him to know. But maybe it's fair that he knows?
She wasn't supposed to have to think about all of this!]
...I just don't want you to be sad. [She glances sideways at him with her normal smile. Even if it's smaller than usual, it's still as genuine as ever.] I really like spending time with you, so...
[He'd be sad, she's sure of it. He's not the type to be bitter or judgemental like Goro, or flippant like Dazai. He's too normal for that.]
[Scott asks, a light frown forming across him as his eyebrows furrow. It feels like an odd thing to hear and he tries to ignore the rising anxiety that builds in his chest. Maybe he's just taking things out of context, but it feels a little ominous hearing this.]
It's so much easier to lie, to brush it off, to ignore it and pretend it doesn't bother her and focus on other people. Talking about herself feels self-centered at best, heartbreaking at worst. But it almost feels like her parchment is burning a hole in her pocket as she opens her mouth to reassure him that it's fine. That's her crime, isn't it? Duplicity. Lying.
Maybe she should tell him. It's only fair. They're friends, aren't they? Shinji had hid that he was sick almost the entire time she'd known him, and she'd been so angry at him for not trusting her. It's not like there's anything she could have done. But it would have been better to know.
Belatedly, she realizes she's been lost in her own thoughts for several seconds too long. Yeah. She should tell him. He'll be upset, but just like with Shinji, it's better for him to know. Her smile fades into the barest, resigned quirk of lips as she meets his eyes again.]
[This is actually happening, right? He didn't just step into a weird dimension where everything is fucked and Kotone is telling him that she's going to die. Scott isn't sure what's going on anymore, and how things went from innocent sandwich eating to this. His mouth parts slightly, although no words come out, not at first.]
...What?
[His voice comes off as shaky, almost in disbelief, like he's not sure if he heard her correctly.] What do you mean...?
[She keeps swinging her feet, looking back out over town rather than meeting his eyes. It feels like she should choose her words carefully, but she doesn't know which ones to choose. Telling him it's a joke doesn't feel right, but...]
I mean, everybody does eventually, right?
[She gives him a quick flash of a smile, hoping it's reassuring before looking back toward town.]
[He shifts his body so that he can directly look at her without turning his head as much. They can't just go back and pretend everything is normal after a comment like that. His mouth shifts into a small, if worried frown, wanting to hear more about this even if he won't like the answer. It's going to be stuck in his mind either way and it's better to know than not.
Right? He thinks so, at least. Even if he is afraid.]
[She shrugs, resting her weight back on her hands as she gazes up at the sky instead of at town. The phases of the moon don't change here, and she still doesn't know if that's a good thing or not.]
A being called Nyx was gonna destroy the world. I had to stop her.
[Distilling that whole long year into two sentences doesn't carry its whole weight, doesn't even give a hint to everything they'd all done, but it's the easiest way to answer that question.]
[His mouth parts, but nothing comes out from Scott, not yet anyway. So... that's it? Kotone's dead back home, her life completely over before she even reaches adulthood? And that's fine?? Is he supposed to just accept this without fuss? Stare at the sky and go 'oh that's cool??']
F-fuck that! [He gets up from his seat, his face torn between anger and a growing despair that's difficult to push down. It's just easy to be mad about things, it's familiar, because that he's reacted for most of his life.] H-How can you be so accepting?!
[She flinches when he raises his voice, staring up at him with a kind of bewildered hurt. Honestly, she kind of had expected him to just accept it, because what good comes from getting angry or upset about it? It's already over. It's how she'd usually reacted when other people around her had died.
Maybe Dazai was right. Again. It's better to just let people believe a happy lie than to tell them the truth. A little sickened, she stares down at her hands, pressing her lips tightly together with frustration directed more at herself than at Scott.]
'Cause screaming and crying and being bitter about it isn't gonna change anything, is it? [she says finally, trying to keep her voice from shaking because now Scott's even more upset than she'd thought he would be, and she doesn't know how to fix it. She can't even guess at the right things to say.] I just...!
[How had Akinari put it back then? She'd spent every Sunday she could with him in the fall, listening to first his bitterness, then his rage, his grief, and finally, his acceptance of his terminal illness. He'd died not too long before she had, she knows that.
It's hard enough to articulate her feelings normally, and even harder when Scott's angry like this, though, so her throat closes as she clenches her fists helplessly.] ...Sorry.
[Shame creeps up his chest when he sees the hurt on her face, because it's not like he's really mad at her. He's. Just. Upset!! Upset about the situation?? About everything she had to deal with?? About he can't change anything about it, which also sort of pisses him off, because he wants to help.
Just. What is he supposed to do? He can't do anything to help Kotone, someone that's grown to really care about. Scott pushes back the tears that threaten his eyes, instead curling his hands into fists as he tries to keep some sort of calm and lower the anger that was previously in his voice. Maybe if he at least controls some of his reactions, he won't make her feel worse.]
It's just not fair. Y-You shouldn't have to die, I don't want you to die...
[She opens her mouth to tell him that it's not like it makes a difference to him either way. Once they get out of here, that's it; they won't be part of each other's lives anymore, if he even remembers her once he goes back. What difference does it make whether she lives or dies? It's not like he'll be there to see it.
But with his emotions still so obviously raw, she closes her mouth and looks back down at her clenched fists, forcing herself to relax them.]
It's not like I want to, either. But you know how it goes! Someone has to save the world.
[She glances up at him with an attempt at a smile, trying to lighten the mood the only way she really knows how, even as she feels her hands starting to shake with her own repressed emotion.]
[...This entire time, she's been so cheerful and upbeat and supportive, but she's been dead and he didn't even notice. If he was in her shoes, he'd be fucking pissed or at least far less responsible, but she is still giving it her best every day and acting like everything is fine. He doesn't know how she does it, and even now, she's trying to cheer him up, even though she's the one with the raw deal and shit.
His shoulders slump, and he doesn't even try to return her smile.]
...You don't have to act like it's fine, you know. I mean, I'd be screaming if I were you. [...] Like, I know you said it's no use crying about it and shit, but...
[Where is he going with this? He doesn't know.] ...Sorry, I probably just sound like an idiot.
[It is fine, though. But that sounds like it'll just lead to an argument, and clearly he doesn't want to hear that it's fine, so what can she say instead?
Nothing, for a long few seconds. Eventually, she shifts, pulling her skirt up to reveal her Evoker hidden in its thigh holster. There's no flourish when she draws it and rests it in her lap, but maybe the visible sign will help him get it.]
To awaken our Personas, we all had to accept that we might die. Every time we use an Evoker, it's a reminder. [Still unwilling to stand, she just tilts her head backward to gaze up at him. Her lips stay in that smile, but there's a tinge of sadness and more than a hint of resignation in the curve of her lips.] I'd rather enjoy whatever time I have left, you know? If I spent all my time laying in bed crying about how unfair everything is... that feels like it'd be a slap in the face to everyone who'd helped me get as far as I did.
[His eyes draw to the gun that's in her lap, remembering the time when he thought she was going to shoot herself in the head with it. It's still probably one of the scariest moments of his life, just thinking that a friend would do something like that, but it's something more.
It awakens her Personas... and also represents the acceptance of death, as she tells him now. Guess it makes sense, since they have to shoot themselves in the head for it to work, even if that's also fucked in a lot of ways.]
...It just seems so much for you to deal with. [Scott says quietly, but without any real protest. What can he say or do? She's accepted her fate and it seems sort of shitty to stomp on that any more that he's already done.] But I get it.
[Is it a lot to deal with? After the past year, before she'd come here, it had just seemed like the natural culmination of things. All the people she'd formed strong bonds with, all the people who'd helped her develop her Personas, all of them had had something to teach her about loss. She'd had a lot of time for reflection after they'd beat Nyx and she was trying to desperately hang on long enough to see her friends on the rooftop one last time, and then even more time since arriving here.
The idea that yeah, it's insane for the kids who'd been part of SEES to be saddled with this kind of responsibility doesn't even cross her mind. It's just something she'd had to accept as fact, no matter how much they'd all had to sacrifice.
She exhales quietly through her nose and just lets herself collapse back, resting her Evoker on her stomach as she gazes up at the clouds above, only a little obscured by Scott's face. She'd laid like this on the rooftop with Aigis at the end. At the time, she remembered thinking it wasn't a bad way to go.]
It's okay if you don't get it, [she says finally, feeling her heart sink a little. Someone like Scott is way too normal to understand, even if he says he does. Maybe thinking about how it had only been Aigis on the rooftop hadn't been the best idea, because now she just feels alone again. None of her other friends were there at the end, even though they'd all promised.
It's that more than anything that leaves her voice sounding fragile, even as she tries for another smile, weaker smile.] Sorry for dumping that on you. It's okay if you want to go, too.
[Is it really okay...? Scott doesn't think it is, and he feels like he disappointed Kotone in some way. He's not sure where things went south, okay, he knows, but it still makes his stomach clench uncomfortably, despite the fruit sandwich being amazing earlier. It's a feeling that has nothing to do with what he ate.]
I want to hang out with you still. [He does his best not to rub his arm or look entirely glum, because that's not what Kotone needs right now, right? She said she wants to enjoy her remaining days and she can't do that if he's being upset on her behalf. Scott bites his lip, trying his hardest to be as earnest as before.]
I like our time together. [At least he doesn't have to lie about that.]
[To both, really. Hanging out with him reminds her of hanging out with Rio in a way -- she'd been really normal too, completely removed from all the stuff SEES had been doing. They could just hang out at Wild Duck and talk about boys, or tennis, or school, without worrying about training for the next full moon. Maybe that's part of why she likes Scott so much. Sure, he can blow stuff up with his eyes, but beyond that, he's just a normal guy. Even if it hurts a little bit that he can't understand, maybe it's enough that he's willing to try.
Hesitating just a moment more, she pats the ground near her.]
Wanna watch the clouds together...? It's not as good as going to the movies, but if you stay, I think it could be fun.
[There is an ulterior motive here, and it's that she wants a pillow. Talking about this kind of stuff is exhausting, and having fallen asleep on the bare concrete of this roof more than once before, it's easier if she has someone to lay on.]
[The smallest of smiles reaches Scott upon hearing that. He's still not sure what to do with this particular topic and maybe it's just something to never bring up again, but is that fine? It could be, because who wants to talk about death and everything and its inevitability? Still, there's something uncomfortable that's settled in his chest that he can't fully get rid of. He can really only push it aside as he plops himself on the ground next to her, pretending to act like everything is just... normal.
He's good at that right? Pretending that everything is normal again. It's what he wanted to do with the other mutants and he can do it now.]
Definitely not as good as Star Wars, not even the third one. [He jokes lightly while staring up at the slowly moving clouds. With his glasses, it feels just a tad apocalyptic, but it's cool.] I'd get us popcorn, but too lazy to grab anything now.
[It's something she'd thought would be good for him to know. It seems only fair, right? If he likes her, which she's pretty sure he does at least a little bit... it seems right for him to know. Maybe that means he won't like her after this, but that's okay.
...Still, she definitely shouldn't tell anyone else.
She shifts to pillow her head against his shoulder, dropping her head onto him with maybe a little more force just to try to make him smile with how silly of a gesture it is.]
I've never seen it. The theater in Tatsumi Port Island mostly showed like... artsy stuff. You know, they didn't even give me a discount? Even though I worked there sometimes.
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[No friends at the old school? Girlfriend? She finishes the last of her sandwich and just balls up the bag next to her, keeping her head against his shoulder and gently kicking her feet. The people at her school, her team, are the most important people she can imagine. Maybe that's why Shinji's disappearance hit her so hard. It's not like she wouldn't be sad if Rio from Tennis Club or Hidetoshi from Student Council had been here and disappeared, but it's different when it's someone from SEES. If Ken disappears too, she'll...
She doesn't know what she'll do.]
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[As in, Scott didn't really have friends at his old school.
Sure, guess there were some other guys he'd sort of hang out with here and there, but he doesn't find himself missing them at all. It was just a dumb school in the suburbs that he didn't really click with, so of course he had to cause a little trouble when he was feeling particularly pissed off and speak with the principal as a result of that. Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.]
I don't miss it.
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[Well, for her, anyway. It's not like she didn't know people who'd had a hard time at Gekkoukan -- she'd helped a few of them, after all! -- but it was pretty easy for her.]
I mean, there were some people who weren't great, like this one guy who kept taking pictures of me in my gym uniform, and these other girls that were bullying one of my friends for a while, but... it all worked out in the end. I miss it, kind of. I'd have liked to do my third year there, anyway. Or at least go to the Cultural Festival!
[But- well. That won't be happening.]
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He looks over the town once more.]
Hm? Is there a reason why you aren't doing your third year there?
[JUST. CASUAL.]
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Some stuff happened! [she says after a beat too long of a pause, after her feet start swinging again.] So I can't do my third year there. It's okay, though. You've met Ken-kun, right? He's from my future, kind of, so he's told me about what all my friends have been up to after I was gone.
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Scott keeps his gaze focused on the town still, although he sounds serious, if just for a moment.]
It's okay if you don't want to tell me-- you can just say that.
[But he's moving on with this slight change in topic.] I actually haven't met Ken yet, but geez, you made him tell you all about the future? [He lightly ribs her.] Pretty sure that's against time laws.
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The only other ones who know are Goro and Dazai. Does she want Scott to know...? It wouldn't be better for him to know. But maybe it's fair that he knows?
She wasn't supposed to have to think about all of this!]
...I just don't want you to be sad. [She glances sideways at him with her normal smile. Even if it's smaller than usual, it's still as genuine as ever.] I really like spending time with you, so...
[He'd be sad, she's sure of it. He's not the type to be bitter or judgemental like Goro, or flippant like Dazai. He's too normal for that.]
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Why would I be sad?
[Scott asks, a light frown forming across him as his eyebrows furrow. It feels like an odd thing to hear and he tries to ignore the rising anxiety that builds in his chest. Maybe he's just taking things out of context, but it feels a little ominous hearing this.]
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>Lie.
>Lie!
It's so much easier to lie, to brush it off, to ignore it and pretend it doesn't bother her and focus on other people. Talking about herself feels self-centered at best, heartbreaking at worst. But it almost feels like her parchment is burning a hole in her pocket as she opens her mouth to reassure him that it's fine. That's her crime, isn't it? Duplicity. Lying.
Maybe she should tell him. It's only fair. They're friends, aren't they? Shinji had hid that he was sick almost the entire time she'd known him, and she'd been so angry at him for not trusting her. It's not like there's anything she could have done. But it would have been better to know.
Belatedly, she realizes she's been lost in her own thoughts for several seconds too long. Yeah. She should tell him. He'll be upset, but just like with Shinji, it's better for him to know. Her smile fades into the barest, resigned quirk of lips as she meets his eyes again.]
'Cause I'm gonna die.
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...What?
[His voice comes off as shaky, almost in disbelief, like he's not sure if he heard her correctly.] What do you mean...?
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I mean, everybody does eventually, right?
[She gives him a quick flash of a smile, hoping it's reassuring before looking back toward town.]
It's okay.
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[He shifts his body so that he can directly look at her without turning his head as much. They can't just go back and pretend everything is normal after a comment like that. His mouth shifts into a small, if worried frown, wanting to hear more about this even if he won't like the answer. It's going to be stuck in his mind either way and it's better to know than not.
Right? He thinks so, at least. Even if he is afraid.]
What happened back home?
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A being called Nyx was gonna destroy the world. I had to stop her.
[Distilling that whole long year into two sentences doesn't carry its whole weight, doesn't even give a hint to everything they'd all done, but it's the easiest way to answer that question.]
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F-fuck that! [He gets up from his seat, his face torn between anger and a growing despair that's difficult to push down. It's just easy to be mad about things, it's familiar, because that he's reacted for most of his life.] H-How can you be so accepting?!
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Maybe Dazai was right. Again. It's better to just let people believe a happy lie than to tell them the truth. A little sickened, she stares down at her hands, pressing her lips tightly together with frustration directed more at herself than at Scott.]
'Cause screaming and crying and being bitter about it isn't gonna change anything, is it? [she says finally, trying to keep her voice from shaking because now Scott's even more upset than she'd thought he would be, and she doesn't know how to fix it. She can't even guess at the right things to say.] I just...!
[How had Akinari put it back then? She'd spent every Sunday she could with him in the fall, listening to first his bitterness, then his rage, his grief, and finally, his acceptance of his terminal illness. He'd died not too long before she had, she knows that.
It's hard enough to articulate her feelings normally, and even harder when Scott's angry like this, though, so her throat closes as she clenches her fists helplessly.] ...Sorry.
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[Shame creeps up his chest when he sees the hurt on her face, because it's not like he's really mad at her. He's. Just. Upset!! Upset about the situation?? About everything she had to deal with?? About he can't change anything about it, which also sort of pisses him off, because he wants to help.
Just. What is he supposed to do? He can't do anything to help Kotone, someone that's grown to really care about. Scott pushes back the tears that threaten his eyes, instead curling his hands into fists as he tries to keep some sort of calm and lower the anger that was previously in his voice. Maybe if he at least controls some of his reactions, he won't make her feel worse.]
It's just not fair. Y-You shouldn't have to die, I don't want you to die...
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But with his emotions still so obviously raw, she closes her mouth and looks back down at her clenched fists, forcing herself to relax them.]
It's not like I want to, either. But you know how it goes! Someone has to save the world.
[She glances up at him with an attempt at a smile, trying to lighten the mood the only way she really knows how, even as she feels her hands starting to shake with her own repressed emotion.]
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His shoulders slump, and he doesn't even try to return her smile.]
...You don't have to act like it's fine, you know. I mean, I'd be screaming if I were you. [...] Like, I know you said it's no use crying about it and shit, but...
[Where is he going with this? He doesn't know.] ...Sorry, I probably just sound like an idiot.
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Nothing, for a long few seconds. Eventually, she shifts, pulling her skirt up to reveal her Evoker hidden in its thigh holster. There's no flourish when she draws it and rests it in her lap, but maybe the visible sign will help him get it.]
To awaken our Personas, we all had to accept that we might die. Every time we use an Evoker, it's a reminder. [Still unwilling to stand, she just tilts her head backward to gaze up at him. Her lips stay in that smile, but there's a tinge of sadness and more than a hint of resignation in the curve of her lips.] I'd rather enjoy whatever time I have left, you know? If I spent all my time laying in bed crying about how unfair everything is... that feels like it'd be a slap in the face to everyone who'd helped me get as far as I did.
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It awakens her Personas... and also represents the acceptance of death, as she tells him now. Guess it makes sense, since they have to shoot themselves in the head for it to work, even if that's also fucked in a lot of ways.]
...It just seems so much for you to deal with. [Scott says quietly, but without any real protest. What can he say or do? She's accepted her fate and it seems sort of shitty to stomp on that any more that he's already done.] But I get it.
[No he doesn't.]
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[Is it a lot to deal with? After the past year, before she'd come here, it had just seemed like the natural culmination of things. All the people she'd formed strong bonds with, all the people who'd helped her develop her Personas, all of them had had something to teach her about loss. She'd had a lot of time for reflection after they'd beat Nyx and she was trying to desperately hang on long enough to see her friends on the rooftop one last time, and then even more time since arriving here.
The idea that yeah, it's insane for the kids who'd been part of SEES to be saddled with this kind of responsibility doesn't even cross her mind. It's just something she'd had to accept as fact, no matter how much they'd all had to sacrifice.
She exhales quietly through her nose and just lets herself collapse back, resting her Evoker on her stomach as she gazes up at the clouds above, only a little obscured by Scott's face. She'd laid like this on the rooftop with Aigis at the end. At the time, she remembered thinking it wasn't a bad way to go.]
It's okay if you don't get it, [she says finally, feeling her heart sink a little. Someone like Scott is way too normal to understand, even if he says he does. Maybe thinking about how it had only been Aigis on the rooftop hadn't been the best idea, because now she just feels alone again. None of her other friends were there at the end, even though they'd all promised.
It's that more than anything that leaves her voice sounding fragile, even as she tries for another smile, weaker smile.] Sorry for dumping that on you. It's okay if you want to go, too.
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I want to hang out with you still. [He does his best not to rub his arm or look entirely glum, because that's not what Kotone needs right now, right? She said she wants to enjoy her remaining days and she can't do that if he's being upset on her behalf. Scott bites his lip, trying his hardest to be as earnest as before.]
I like our time together. [At least he doesn't have to lie about that.]
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[To both, really. Hanging out with him reminds her of hanging out with Rio in a way -- she'd been really normal too, completely removed from all the stuff SEES had been doing. They could just hang out at Wild Duck and talk about boys, or tennis, or school, without worrying about training for the next full moon. Maybe that's part of why she likes Scott so much. Sure, he can blow stuff up with his eyes, but beyond that, he's just a normal guy. Even if it hurts a little bit that he can't understand, maybe it's enough that he's willing to try.
Hesitating just a moment more, she pats the ground near her.]
Wanna watch the clouds together...? It's not as good as going to the movies, but if you stay, I think it could be fun.
[There is an ulterior motive here, and it's that she wants a pillow. Talking about this kind of stuff is exhausting, and having fallen asleep on the bare concrete of this roof more than once before, it's easier if she has someone to lay on.]
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He's good at that right? Pretending that everything is normal again. It's what he wanted to do with the other mutants and he can do it now.]
Definitely not as good as Star Wars, not even the third one. [He jokes lightly while staring up at the slowly moving clouds. With his glasses, it feels just a tad apocalyptic, but it's cool.] I'd get us popcorn, but too lazy to grab anything now.
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...Still, she definitely shouldn't tell anyone else.
She shifts to pillow her head against his shoulder, dropping her head onto him with maybe a little more force just to try to make him smile with how silly of a gesture it is.]
I've never seen it. The theater in Tatsumi Port Island mostly showed like... artsy stuff. You know, they didn't even give me a discount? Even though I worked there sometimes.
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want to wrap this up? :>