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[orphne]

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[nullificates]

I'm sorry that I scared you, Koto-chan. We should talk, but it's okay if you won't see me.

[orphne]

I'm sorry I didn't call Chuuya earlier.

[She doesn't know what to feel toward Dazai right now, and it's audible in her voice as a curious blend of equal parts sadness, anger, and numbness.]

I thought you'd listen to me.

[nullificates]

(chuuya wouldn't have stopped him if it weren't for her. he's the one who's sorry - that she had to see him like this.)

... Not when he dangled my past in front of me and I don't know where he got it from, when it's something that has actual weight for my situation at home.

[orphne]

Yeah. I know that now.

[She sighs quietly, audibly into the charm. She's perched in her window, headphones in to listen to music while trying to figure out what she's supposed to do next.]

You didn't have to hurt him.

[nullificates]

I did what I thought would have given me the most answers in the shortest amount of time possible, given his reluctance to tell me something as important as this, regardless of my asking. He chose to withhold information about my own life instead.

I haven't even told you about Ango, and yet, he knew something only Chuuya knows? It left a bad taste in my mouth.

[orphne]

I don't care.

[Harsh, maybe, but it really does kind of encapsulate how she feels right now.]

Akechi-san is a jerk, but you'd have done worse to him if Chuuya hadn't stepped in. He didn't deserve that. Doesn't he seem like the kind of person who likes to prove he's smart? He'd have told you on his own, probably.

[nullificates]

If you don't care, then you won't care about how much I tell you regarding why I reacted the way I did. I'll leave you to your uncaring thoughts? Is that what you'd like?

[orphne]

Was it life and death? This information you needed in the shortest time possible? I trusted you to listen to me, but you tried to just make me, what? Walk away? While my friends were hurting each other?

[Her words are coming out too fast now, all the emotions she'd buried inside pretending to be Fine starting to bubble up.]

You know I can't do that. I couldn't do anything to stop either of you. What am I supposed to do with that, huh?

[nullificates]

Yes, it was life or death. Would you have let me continue if you knew that?

... Kotone, there are things in this life we can't prevent. We can't stop. You're not responsible for my actions, nor his. Chuuya didn't stop it because he's more capable than you.

[orphne]

[She doesn't say it out loud, but he can probably hear her no in the silence. Even if it had to do with Shinji or any other member of SEES, she can't just stand by while someone is trying to hurt someone else.

Does that make her a bad leader? Maybe.]

...What did you want to talk about, Dazai-san?

[nullificates]

I was going to drop the secrets, but I believe it hardly matters now, does it? Your silence already spoke on your behalf.

[orphne]

I'm not going to apologize for not wanting you to hurt people, Dazai-san. I care about you, but after what you did...

[When she first heard the gunshots, she'd thought he'd shot Akechi at first.]

Are you gonna go after him?

[nullificates]

No.

(maybe. not him, though, that will give him a total of zero results.)

I'm sorry you've seen me like this.

[orphne]

It scared me.

[It's an honest admission. She's pretty sure he knows that, anyway, as she draws her knees into her chest and drapes her arms over them.]

How do you go from being the silly guy who demands pets and refuses to work hard to... to rotating someone's broken bone in their finger like that? [She shudders again at the memory, not sure if she actually remembers the sound or if she's just imagining that she heard it, but hearing it in her ears all the same.]

[nullificates]

... I know. I really don't like that you've seen it.

(likewise, honest.)

... I've always been both, Koto-chan.

[orphne]

Would you do that to me? If you thought I had information you needed? Or Aragaki-senpai?

[nullificates]

Never, Kotone.

[orphne]

Promise?

[She's not even afraid for herself, really; she's afraid for Shinjiro.]

[nullificates]

I promise.

[orphne]

[She exhales another sigh and doesn't say anything for a long time, holding her charm close to her heart. Can she trust him? She wants to. More than anything, she wants to trust him.]

Who's Ango? [she asks finally, a little too quietly, like she's afraid to broach the subject.]

[nullificates]

(... he thought he was ready to tell her, but he's not. it takes him a moment, two, and then he sighs audibly. he never talks about ango. it's more like a pit of hatred in his stomach as he spills it.)

When I was your age, Ango started working at the Port Mafia. He kept data and objects about all our missing or deceased ones, and because of a conflict we had just had, it was ludicrous to me that someone would waste their time with something like that. Odasaku and I took him to Lupin with us, because we thought he was interesting. The three of us hanged out there after work to talk, drink, and laugh. We were inseparable, even when we were all at different levels of the hierarchy.

[orphne]

[She only knows a little about Dazai's time in Port Mafia. Only pieces of it, what she can put together from what he's said. It's still confusing for her to think about, to reconcile that what she'd originally dismissed about Dazai's body count as a lie, or hyperbole, is almost certainly true.

But she knows he left Port Mafia, and knows that it was because of Oda. So hearing about a third person...]

You were friends?

[nullificates]

...

(he hates this, hates this, hates this, hates this, but she can no longer hear it. it's neutral, like he's having a casual chat.)

Yes, we actually really were. Because of the conflict, Odasaku had adopted orphans. He was a dad, you know? And then one day, Ango disappeared. Turns out, Koto-chan, he was a triple agent. He was infiltrated in another organization as Port Mafia, but he's a government agent above all. Mori, the one who mentored me? He is the Port Mafia boss. Think of it as the Yakuza, being legitimized is helpful for business, so he made a deal with Ango to get rid of that organization... And he leaked information to get those orphans killed, Kotone-chan, to force Odasaku to do it in his behalf, and to force me out of the mafia, too.

They exploded in front of Odasaku's eyes. He went on a suicide mission for it.

... Ango betrayed us. It's not something I can easily ignore, nor can I easily forget, Koto-chan. I won't apologize for wanting to understand why the brat wouldn't tell me why he knew part of this.

[orphne]

[Maybe this is on her, for forgetting or choosing to ignore all the horrible things that Dazai's experienced in his life. Maybe if she'd been better, paid more attention, she could have seen this coming and stopped it. Or at least been better at stopping it.

He can't see her, but her hand is over her mouth in horror as she lets Dazai talk. It's a little hard to follow, but honestly, she doesn't need the particulars to understand why it had set Dazai off like that.]

...I'm sorry, [is all she says finally, not much above a whisper. It reminds her of the pain Akihiko had gone through with Miki and the orphanage; she can't imagine something like this. It's too horrible.]

[nullificates]

... I'm sorry, too. I couldn't stop Odasaku, as-- obvious as it is. I left the Port Mafia right after. Abandoned Chuuya and everything. That's... The story. I won't ever tell it again, so if you have questions, I'd ask them right now. I trust you to keep this to yourself.