Ah, so you want to speed up my death. Nothing I would like more than to be strangled by strong muscles from a math teacher.
(whether he is joking or not is up for interpretation. use your best judgement, but he does laugh a little at this - as if he could really easily hire someone like that. there's a test and all, after all. she'd be able to probably have even better control of her personas if she passed it.)
(he's definitely making her worse, but look at her, improving on those skills. there's quite a satisfied smile upon his lips as he takes her hand into his, as if he were to agree--
[Oh... that's a nice smile. She'd like to see it more often, if he'll allow it. She tilts her head, her own smile softening in return as she fiddles with the end of her braid. Dazai might have done some bad things in the past, and based on what he's said, she can't even say that he shouldn't be in jail, but she doesn't think he's a bad person as he is now. Just kind of annoying, and that's not a crime.]
Yeah. Saving people can make a lot of hard work worth it.
[Speaking from personal experience. She shifts a little and pulls out another cupcake, setting it atop his hands. You earned it, buddy! Positive reinforcement.]
(it'll be reserved for times like this, when he feels comfortable to be vulnerable, to peel just a little bit of his million masks off to show a glimpse of what's inside. loneliness, darkness, but the struggle and the will to find some light, even a little of it, so he can keep going himself. it'll never be enough, and he knows that for a fact - but it's something, and something often can be better than absolutely nothing.
it does turn into an expression of surprise when the cupcake appears on his hands, and he laughs, just a little bit.)
I know I'm super thin, but I'm full, I'm full! Let me save some for later.
(for chuuya. gogol. fyfy.)
... I can't. I got my hands full, even if it doesn't look like it. I need to keep my people from killing each other, literally, and cooperating, so I can't-- start anything myself, but I'll help when I can.
[She hums, not quite sure she understands. They're all part of different groups, aren't they? But considering what she knows of his relationship with Chuuya, she supposes that yeah, he would feel some sort of responsibility toward them.]
Well... even if you won't hire me for the agency, I'll help you where I can, too. If you'll let me.
[Even if it's not an official thing, that's just too bad. She's part of this nonsense now, and it would take a whole hell of a lot to dissuade her from following through. Maybe she can't help with his people specifically, but if they can work together to protect and save others, maybe that's enough.]
I am not the President! Besides, ah, you'd have to pass a test, and it's a whole thing in itself. You did say it, it's a lot of work, right?
(for one moment, he's trying to distract her from what she offered, as if he brushed past it, but -- that's too evil. she's a good kid, and he would like to do better. his wrists and forearms are still awfully sore, so reaching over the table to gently pat her on the head brings out a face from him, just furrowed brows in response, oof, ouch.)
Just don't tire yourself out, alright? There are plenty of other people who could use a Koto-chan. I can't steal you all to myself, it'd be just so unfair! So, even if I disappear, if I dig a deeper hole, take care of yourself and your people first, you can worry about me later, alright? Promise me?
[She lowers her head a little when he pats it, smiling a little in spite of herself. It's just such a nice gesture, reassuring in a way that she can't really put into words.
But she lifts her head and frowns back at him, shaking her head almost before he'd finished speaking.]
I can't make that promise, Dazai-san. You're one of my people, too.
[Also, like, she's tired all the time. If she stops helping people, it feels like she'll stop too long and there will be nothing left. No point.]
(the hand drops, but just a little, just to tuck a strand behind her ear, almost like he was trying to focus her attention for a moment or two. it's difficult, isn't it?)
I've been like this for a long time, you know this at this point. I'll deal with myself, so really, take care of yourself, and don't worry so much. I'm a bit of an outdoor cat! I come and go as I please.
(ugh, he hates saying that out loud, for fuck's sake.)
If you really need me to help you with something and I'm out or something did happen, you go to... Ugh, Chuuya. He'll take care of you like you're his own mentee. That's what you can do for me, it's all. Take care of you. You put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, don't you? You can let your guard down with us.
[She does focus on him when he tucks her hair behind her ear, tilting her head a little in confusion. It's a very soft, familiar gesture that she hadn't been expecting from him, is all, even if his words don't really give her any consolation.]
It's okay if you go. [She reaches up and takes his hand in both of hers as if to impress her sincerity upon him. She means that, too; she'd be sad, of course, and she'd miss him. There are so many people who've touched her heart and left, either through their own desire or forces outside of their control. Some of them, she'd hoped she'd see again; others, she knew she never would. It's not that she's unaccustomed to loss.
But it's more complicated than that.]
I mean it. I won't stop you from leaving. But you can't ask me not to worry about you. That's not who I am, you know? Even if it's a big responsibility, I don't think I can not carry it.
(he can just listen for a while. he never needed the hands for her to show sincerity, genuine feelings when he can see it in every expression, touch it in every word. that's how dazai's always been. he can't fully comprehend it, it's a little too much for him.
and he squeezes her hand, as a way to reground her to the matter.)
Ah, I suppose it's a curse. Small, redheaded people not letting me just die!
(a joke, to lighten the mood.)
Ah, I did my job, didn't I? Please, just don't go too crazy, ok?
You'll just have to try harder to be unlikable, I guess!
[It's said with a smile, because boy howdy can he sometimes be really, really unlikable. But not enough to alienate her -- he waited too long to pull that kind of stupid stuff. They've already established a social link, after all!]
But I don't mind taking on a lot of responsibility. I'm pretty used to it!
["Being used to something" and "not minding something" are very different, kiddo!]
You can not mind, but it's not something good for you, you understand? Like I said. Let the once-very-responsible-children adults watch over you sometimes. We know better than anyone how much it sucks! Go be a kid!
(if only she knew what they'd probably give to not have had so much on their shoulders. if only. impossible, though, and sometimes, it is the way it is. all they can do is let them rest here, where they can take care of the ones who should be worrying about things pertaining to their age, not the weight of the whole world.)
[Is it not good for her? She's not so sure about that. Her hand goes to her heart, where her Personas are, and she hums quietly as she gives it thought. Sure, it did literally get her killed, but at the expense of saving the world. Also like, it had to be her. Having Pharos -- Ryoji -- Death -- sealed inside her for so long meant that maybe what she thinks is normal kid behavior just isn't.]
...What do you think I should do?
[And it's an honest question. You want her to take on fewer responsibilities? Tell her what she should do instead!]
(whatever she wants to interpret that as, he's fine with it. if she looks, really looks, she'll see he means it with all his heart. he didn't get to, it always meant that things were going to absolute shit, people would die, either he liked it or couldn't care less about it. a mistake from the strategist meant it all crumbled.
he knows what her role is, but as she put it herself, her journey's come to an end. if kotone wants to be a leader, to take care of others, she needs to understand that it's not being perfect and taking up more responsibility than she needs to that will do it.
whatever it is, she'll have to realize it by herself, though. he's unreliable as shit, but hey, half profits of the entire mafia are credited to him for a good while, and he's saving the world, isn't he?)
[Her hand closes against her blouse, and her lips thin into a line as she shakes her head. She doesn't answer immediately, though; she's trying to think about how to put it without it sounding too melodramatic.
There's really only one thing it boils down to.]
When I make mistakes, people get killed, [she says softly, glancing up at him with the barest of smiles.] I know it's not my fault, I don't know what I could have changed about any of it, but... I have to keep trying not to make them, so nobody else suffers.
[If she'd been a better leader, maybe she could have stopped Ken from trying to kill Shinji. If she'd been a better leader, maybe she would have figured out Ikutsuki's plan. If she'd been a better leader, maybe she could have figured out how to stop Ryoji before it was too late. If, if, if. She has a lot of what-ifs she tries not to think about too much.
So she doesn't force herself to brighten her smile for Dazai's sake, instead just keeping that barest quirk of lips.] I know you mean small mistakes, though. Unimportant ones. Maybe I'll try that.
(that's what happens when you're in a position of power, like her own had been. it's been his life, too, and so many have died both accidentally or because he elected that this was the best possible alternative.
for once, he's being so gentle, so understanding, to the point that if she looks closely, she'll see some glimpse of humanity in his eyes as his hand sets on her back, the kindest of caresses.)
I mean mistakes. People will suffer even if they succeed, Koto-chan. It's not avoiding their pain by denying your own growth that will do it. If you want to lead, it's not by putting emphasis on the sacrifices, or the big decisions, it's being there with people when they're not there themselves.
You need to accept you won't ever be perfect, you know. That's okay, too. It's human. No one would expect it differently. I'm extremely unreliable, and look at me, saving the world left and right! Allow yourself to allow yourself.
[She doesn't stiffen at the hand on her back; if anything, she melts a little, just a little of the tension bleeding out of her shoulders at the affectionate gesture. It's funny, isn't it? How Dazai is maybe the one adult who's never asked anything of her. Who's never asked her to solve any kind of big problem, or take on responsibilities, or save the world.]
Can I say something stupid...? [she says finally, gazing out straight ahead with a sad little quirk to her lips.] I don't really know who I am, anymore. I mean... I lost a piece of what I thought I was myself, [and her hand goes to her chest again, where Pharos -- Death -- Ryoji -- had been nestled for years,] that turned out not to be me at all. I was so focused on helping everybody else that if I'm not doing that, I...
[She kind of shrugs and gives him a tired grin over her shoulder.]
You don't know what to do? Start with what you want to do, Koto-chan.
(there are words that he's never forgotten, when someone he thought was him was left behind where odasaku lied, motionless, breathless. he'd never be better - but helping others makes his world a little more beautiful.
so, there's the words that odasaku told him, the very last ones, and he sighs. if she notices, the smile on his face is awfully bittersweet, one that wants to reach what he can no longer hold.)
People live to save themselves. Give yourself time, patience, and try to do the things you think are right - for you. You'll see what a strong lady you'll become.
[She draws her knees in and gazes out for a moment, just letting herself feel the cool breeze on her skin, the warmth of Dazai's hand on her back. She glances back at him and notes that smile, and-- well. Do what she wants to do?
She leans back and lets her head come to rest on his shoulder.]
[It's said more for Dazai's benefit that her own as she relaxes a little into his hold. It's comforting, being held; it's not something she's particularly used to, either, but not unwelcome at all.]
(if he doesn't want to show it, he won't, but right now, he doesn't care to hide the smile on his face, nostalgic, smitten, awfully in love as he looks to the horizon. he was smart, and many other adjectives dazai could give him - above all, he was genuine.
he isn't moving, however. if she wants to leave, she can, but he is starting to warm up to this.
usually, the kids he mentors want to punch him, or yell at him, or both. this is news.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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(whether he is joking or not is up for interpretation. use your best judgement, but he does laugh a little at this - as if he could really easily hire someone like that. there's a test and all, after all. she'd be able to probably have even better control of her personas if she passed it.)
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[President Tanaka would be proud. She gives him her very best smile and props her chin in her hands in the most charming way she can think of.]
It's how I make sure you can't disappear and leave me behind again. I think that's what people call "leverage?"
[Are you... sure... you want her as a mentee. Are you making her Worse, Dazai?]
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and then he doesn't.)
Not how it works!
(INSUFFERABLE.)
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[She sticks her tongue out at him and laughs, squeezing his hand before pulling her own back.]
I don't think I'd want to work for your agency, Dazai-san. It sounds like a lot of work.
[Babysitting him not the least of it.]
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(gracefully, his hands set on top of one another on the table. the smile he gives is small, but genuine. a rarity, coming from him.)
... We save people, though. It's worth it.
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Yeah. Saving people can make a lot of hard work worth it.
[Speaking from personal experience. She shifts a little and pulls out another cupcake, setting it atop his hands. You earned it, buddy! Positive reinforcement.]
Are you going to start something like that here?
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it does turn into an expression of surprise when the cupcake appears on his hands, and he laughs, just a little bit.)
I know I'm super thin, but I'm full, I'm full! Let me save some for later.
(for chuuya. gogol. fyfy.)
... I can't. I got my hands full, even if it doesn't look like it. I need to keep my people from killing each other, literally, and cooperating, so I can't-- start anything myself, but I'll help when I can.
(he's a coward.)
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Well... even if you won't hire me for the agency, I'll help you where I can, too. If you'll let me.
[Even if it's not an official thing, that's just too bad. She's part of this nonsense now, and it would take a whole hell of a lot to dissuade her from following through. Maybe she can't help with his people specifically, but if they can work together to protect and save others, maybe that's enough.]
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(for one moment, he's trying to distract her from what she offered, as if he brushed past it, but -- that's too evil. she's a good kid, and he would like to do better. his wrists and forearms are still awfully sore, so reaching over the table to gently pat her on the head brings out a face from him, just furrowed brows in response, oof, ouch.)
Just don't tire yourself out, alright? There are plenty of other people who could use a Koto-chan. I can't steal you all to myself, it'd be just so unfair! So, even if I disappear, if I dig a deeper hole, take care of yourself and your people first, you can worry about me later, alright? Promise me?
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[She lowers her head a little when he pats it, smiling a little in spite of herself. It's just such a nice gesture, reassuring in a way that she can't really put into words.
But she lifts her head and frowns back at him, shaking her head almost before he'd finished speaking.]
I can't make that promise, Dazai-san. You're one of my people, too.
[Also, like, she's tired all the time. If she stops helping people, it feels like she'll stop too long and there will be nothing left. No point.]
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(the hand drops, but just a little, just to tuck a strand behind her ear, almost like he was trying to focus her attention for a moment or two. it's difficult, isn't it?)
I've been like this for a long time, you know this at this point. I'll deal with myself, so really, take care of yourself, and don't worry so much. I'm a bit of an outdoor cat! I come and go as I please.
(ugh, he hates saying that out loud, for fuck's sake.)
If you really need me to help you with something and I'm out or something did happen, you go to... Ugh, Chuuya. He'll take care of you like you're his own mentee. That's what you can do for me, it's all. Take care of you. You put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, don't you? You can let your guard down with us.
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It's okay if you go. [She reaches up and takes his hand in both of hers as if to impress her sincerity upon him. She means that, too; she'd be sad, of course, and she'd miss him. There are so many people who've touched her heart and left, either through their own desire or forces outside of their control. Some of them, she'd hoped she'd see again; others, she knew she never would. It's not that she's unaccustomed to loss.
But it's more complicated than that.]
I mean it. I won't stop you from leaving. But you can't ask me not to worry about you. That's not who I am, you know? Even if it's a big responsibility, I don't think I can not carry it.
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and he squeezes her hand, as a way to reground her to the matter.)
Ah, I suppose it's a curse. Small, redheaded people not letting me just die!
(a joke, to lighten the mood.)
Ah, I did my job, didn't I? Please, just don't go too crazy, ok?
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[It's said with a smile, because boy howdy can he sometimes be really, really unlikable. But not enough to alienate her -- he waited too long to pull that kind of stupid stuff. They've already established a social link, after all!]
But I don't mind taking on a lot of responsibility. I'm pretty used to it!
["Being used to something" and "not minding something" are very different, kiddo!]
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(if only she knew what they'd probably give to not have had so much on their shoulders. if only. impossible, though, and sometimes, it is the way it is. all they can do is let them rest here, where they can take care of the ones who should be worrying about things pertaining to their age, not the weight of the whole world.)
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...What do you think I should do?
[And it's an honest question. You want her to take on fewer responsibilities? Tell her what she should do instead!]
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(whatever she wants to interpret that as, he's fine with it. if she looks, really looks, she'll see he means it with all his heart. he didn't get to, it always meant that things were going to absolute shit, people would die, either he liked it or couldn't care less about it. a mistake from the strategist meant it all crumbled.
he knows what her role is, but as she put it herself, her journey's come to an end. if kotone wants to be a leader, to take care of others, she needs to understand that it's not being perfect and taking up more responsibility than she needs to that will do it.
whatever it is, she'll have to realize it by herself, though. he's unreliable as shit, but hey, half profits of the entire mafia are credited to him for a good while, and he's saving the world, isn't he?)
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There's really only one thing it boils down to.]
When I make mistakes, people get killed, [she says softly, glancing up at him with the barest of smiles.] I know it's not my fault, I don't know what I could have changed about any of it, but... I have to keep trying not to make them, so nobody else suffers.
[If she'd been a better leader, maybe she could have stopped Ken from trying to kill Shinji. If she'd been a better leader, maybe she would have figured out Ikutsuki's plan. If she'd been a better leader, maybe she could have figured out how to stop Ryoji before it was too late. If, if, if. She has a lot of what-ifs she tries not to think about too much.
So she doesn't force herself to brighten her smile for Dazai's sake, instead just keeping that barest quirk of lips.] I know you mean small mistakes, though. Unimportant ones. Maybe I'll try that.
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(that's what happens when you're in a position of power, like her own had been. it's been his life, too, and so many have died both accidentally or because he elected that this was the best possible alternative.
for once, he's being so gentle, so understanding, to the point that if she looks closely, she'll see some glimpse of humanity in his eyes as his hand sets on her back, the kindest of caresses.)
I mean mistakes. People will suffer even if they succeed, Koto-chan. It's not avoiding their pain by denying your own growth that will do it. If you want to lead, it's not by putting emphasis on the sacrifices, or the big decisions, it's being there with people when they're not there themselves.
You need to accept you won't ever be perfect, you know. That's okay, too. It's human. No one would expect it differently. I'm extremely unreliable, and look at me, saving the world left and right! Allow yourself to allow yourself.
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Can I say something stupid...? [she says finally, gazing out straight ahead with a sad little quirk to her lips.] I don't really know who I am, anymore. I mean... I lost a piece of what I thought I was myself, [and her hand goes to her chest again, where Pharos -- Death -- Ryoji -- had been nestled for years,] that turned out not to be me at all. I was so focused on helping everybody else that if I'm not doing that, I...
[She kind of shrugs and gives him a tired grin over her shoulder.]
I told you it was stupid.
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(there are words that he's never forgotten, when someone he thought was him was left behind where odasaku lied, motionless, breathless. he'd never be better - but helping others makes his world a little more beautiful.
so, there's the words that odasaku told him, the very last ones, and he sighs. if she notices, the smile on his face is awfully bittersweet, one that wants to reach what he can no longer hold.)
People live to save themselves. Give yourself time, patience, and try to do the things you think are right - for you. You'll see what a strong lady you'll become.
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[She draws her knees in and gazes out for a moment, just letting herself feel the cool breeze on her skin, the warmth of Dazai's hand on her back. She glances back at him and notes that smile, and-- well. Do what she wants to do?
She leans back and lets her head come to rest on his shoulder.]
I'll try.
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if it makes her feel any better...)
Osasaku told me that. People live to save themselves. It's good to pass it forward.
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[It's said more for Dazai's benefit that her own as she relaxes a little into his hold. It's comforting, being held; it's not something she's particularly used to, either, but not unwelcome at all.]
I mean it, though. I'll try my best.
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he isn't moving, however. if she wants to leave, she can, but he is starting to warm up to this.
usually, the kids he mentors want to punch him, or yell at him, or both. this is news.)
Good.