[She does focus on him when he tucks her hair behind her ear, tilting her head a little in confusion. It's a very soft, familiar gesture that she hadn't been expecting from him, is all, even if his words don't really give her any consolation.]
It's okay if you go. [She reaches up and takes his hand in both of hers as if to impress her sincerity upon him. She means that, too; she'd be sad, of course, and she'd miss him. There are so many people who've touched her heart and left, either through their own desire or forces outside of their control. Some of them, she'd hoped she'd see again; others, she knew she never would. It's not that she's unaccustomed to loss.
But it's more complicated than that.]
I mean it. I won't stop you from leaving. But you can't ask me not to worry about you. That's not who I am, you know? Even if it's a big responsibility, I don't think I can not carry it.
(he can just listen for a while. he never needed the hands for her to show sincerity, genuine feelings when he can see it in every expression, touch it in every word. that's how dazai's always been. he can't fully comprehend it, it's a little too much for him.
and he squeezes her hand, as a way to reground her to the matter.)
Ah, I suppose it's a curse. Small, redheaded people not letting me just die!
(a joke, to lighten the mood.)
Ah, I did my job, didn't I? Please, just don't go too crazy, ok?
You'll just have to try harder to be unlikable, I guess!
[It's said with a smile, because boy howdy can he sometimes be really, really unlikable. But not enough to alienate her -- he waited too long to pull that kind of stupid stuff. They've already established a social link, after all!]
But I don't mind taking on a lot of responsibility. I'm pretty used to it!
["Being used to something" and "not minding something" are very different, kiddo!]
You can not mind, but it's not something good for you, you understand? Like I said. Let the once-very-responsible-children adults watch over you sometimes. We know better than anyone how much it sucks! Go be a kid!
(if only she knew what they'd probably give to not have had so much on their shoulders. if only. impossible, though, and sometimes, it is the way it is. all they can do is let them rest here, where they can take care of the ones who should be worrying about things pertaining to their age, not the weight of the whole world.)
[Is it not good for her? She's not so sure about that. Her hand goes to her heart, where her Personas are, and she hums quietly as she gives it thought. Sure, it did literally get her killed, but at the expense of saving the world. Also like, it had to be her. Having Pharos -- Ryoji -- Death -- sealed inside her for so long meant that maybe what she thinks is normal kid behavior just isn't.]
...What do you think I should do?
[And it's an honest question. You want her to take on fewer responsibilities? Tell her what she should do instead!]
(whatever she wants to interpret that as, he's fine with it. if she looks, really looks, she'll see he means it with all his heart. he didn't get to, it always meant that things were going to absolute shit, people would die, either he liked it or couldn't care less about it. a mistake from the strategist meant it all crumbled.
he knows what her role is, but as she put it herself, her journey's come to an end. if kotone wants to be a leader, to take care of others, she needs to understand that it's not being perfect and taking up more responsibility than she needs to that will do it.
whatever it is, she'll have to realize it by herself, though. he's unreliable as shit, but hey, half profits of the entire mafia are credited to him for a good while, and he's saving the world, isn't he?)
[Her hand closes against her blouse, and her lips thin into a line as she shakes her head. She doesn't answer immediately, though; she's trying to think about how to put it without it sounding too melodramatic.
There's really only one thing it boils down to.]
When I make mistakes, people get killed, [she says softly, glancing up at him with the barest of smiles.] I know it's not my fault, I don't know what I could have changed about any of it, but... I have to keep trying not to make them, so nobody else suffers.
[If she'd been a better leader, maybe she could have stopped Ken from trying to kill Shinji. If she'd been a better leader, maybe she would have figured out Ikutsuki's plan. If she'd been a better leader, maybe she could have figured out how to stop Ryoji before it was too late. If, if, if. She has a lot of what-ifs she tries not to think about too much.
So she doesn't force herself to brighten her smile for Dazai's sake, instead just keeping that barest quirk of lips.] I know you mean small mistakes, though. Unimportant ones. Maybe I'll try that.
(that's what happens when you're in a position of power, like her own had been. it's been his life, too, and so many have died both accidentally or because he elected that this was the best possible alternative.
for once, he's being so gentle, so understanding, to the point that if she looks closely, she'll see some glimpse of humanity in his eyes as his hand sets on her back, the kindest of caresses.)
I mean mistakes. People will suffer even if they succeed, Koto-chan. It's not avoiding their pain by denying your own growth that will do it. If you want to lead, it's not by putting emphasis on the sacrifices, or the big decisions, it's being there with people when they're not there themselves.
You need to accept you won't ever be perfect, you know. That's okay, too. It's human. No one would expect it differently. I'm extremely unreliable, and look at me, saving the world left and right! Allow yourself to allow yourself.
[She doesn't stiffen at the hand on her back; if anything, she melts a little, just a little of the tension bleeding out of her shoulders at the affectionate gesture. It's funny, isn't it? How Dazai is maybe the one adult who's never asked anything of her. Who's never asked her to solve any kind of big problem, or take on responsibilities, or save the world.]
Can I say something stupid...? [she says finally, gazing out straight ahead with a sad little quirk to her lips.] I don't really know who I am, anymore. I mean... I lost a piece of what I thought I was myself, [and her hand goes to her chest again, where Pharos -- Death -- Ryoji -- had been nestled for years,] that turned out not to be me at all. I was so focused on helping everybody else that if I'm not doing that, I...
[She kind of shrugs and gives him a tired grin over her shoulder.]
You don't know what to do? Start with what you want to do, Koto-chan.
(there are words that he's never forgotten, when someone he thought was him was left behind where odasaku lied, motionless, breathless. he'd never be better - but helping others makes his world a little more beautiful.
so, there's the words that odasaku told him, the very last ones, and he sighs. if she notices, the smile on his face is awfully bittersweet, one that wants to reach what he can no longer hold.)
People live to save themselves. Give yourself time, patience, and try to do the things you think are right - for you. You'll see what a strong lady you'll become.
[She draws her knees in and gazes out for a moment, just letting herself feel the cool breeze on her skin, the warmth of Dazai's hand on her back. She glances back at him and notes that smile, and-- well. Do what she wants to do?
She leans back and lets her head come to rest on his shoulder.]
[It's said more for Dazai's benefit that her own as she relaxes a little into his hold. It's comforting, being held; it's not something she's particularly used to, either, but not unwelcome at all.]
(if he doesn't want to show it, he won't, but right now, he doesn't care to hide the smile on his face, nostalgic, smitten, awfully in love as he looks to the horizon. he was smart, and many other adjectives dazai could give him - above all, he was genuine.
he isn't moving, however. if she wants to leave, she can, but he is starting to warm up to this.
usually, the kids he mentors want to punch him, or yell at him, or both. this is news.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It's okay if you go. [She reaches up and takes his hand in both of hers as if to impress her sincerity upon him. She means that, too; she'd be sad, of course, and she'd miss him. There are so many people who've touched her heart and left, either through their own desire or forces outside of their control. Some of them, she'd hoped she'd see again; others, she knew she never would. It's not that she's unaccustomed to loss.
But it's more complicated than that.]
I mean it. I won't stop you from leaving. But you can't ask me not to worry about you. That's not who I am, you know? Even if it's a big responsibility, I don't think I can not carry it.
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and he squeezes her hand, as a way to reground her to the matter.)
Ah, I suppose it's a curse. Small, redheaded people not letting me just die!
(a joke, to lighten the mood.)
Ah, I did my job, didn't I? Please, just don't go too crazy, ok?
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[It's said with a smile, because boy howdy can he sometimes be really, really unlikable. But not enough to alienate her -- he waited too long to pull that kind of stupid stuff. They've already established a social link, after all!]
But I don't mind taking on a lot of responsibility. I'm pretty used to it!
["Being used to something" and "not minding something" are very different, kiddo!]
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(if only she knew what they'd probably give to not have had so much on their shoulders. if only. impossible, though, and sometimes, it is the way it is. all they can do is let them rest here, where they can take care of the ones who should be worrying about things pertaining to their age, not the weight of the whole world.)
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...What do you think I should do?
[And it's an honest question. You want her to take on fewer responsibilities? Tell her what she should do instead!]
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(whatever she wants to interpret that as, he's fine with it. if she looks, really looks, she'll see he means it with all his heart. he didn't get to, it always meant that things were going to absolute shit, people would die, either he liked it or couldn't care less about it. a mistake from the strategist meant it all crumbled.
he knows what her role is, but as she put it herself, her journey's come to an end. if kotone wants to be a leader, to take care of others, she needs to understand that it's not being perfect and taking up more responsibility than she needs to that will do it.
whatever it is, she'll have to realize it by herself, though. he's unreliable as shit, but hey, half profits of the entire mafia are credited to him for a good while, and he's saving the world, isn't he?)
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There's really only one thing it boils down to.]
When I make mistakes, people get killed, [she says softly, glancing up at him with the barest of smiles.] I know it's not my fault, I don't know what I could have changed about any of it, but... I have to keep trying not to make them, so nobody else suffers.
[If she'd been a better leader, maybe she could have stopped Ken from trying to kill Shinji. If she'd been a better leader, maybe she would have figured out Ikutsuki's plan. If she'd been a better leader, maybe she could have figured out how to stop Ryoji before it was too late. If, if, if. She has a lot of what-ifs she tries not to think about too much.
So she doesn't force herself to brighten her smile for Dazai's sake, instead just keeping that barest quirk of lips.] I know you mean small mistakes, though. Unimportant ones. Maybe I'll try that.
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(that's what happens when you're in a position of power, like her own had been. it's been his life, too, and so many have died both accidentally or because he elected that this was the best possible alternative.
for once, he's being so gentle, so understanding, to the point that if she looks closely, she'll see some glimpse of humanity in his eyes as his hand sets on her back, the kindest of caresses.)
I mean mistakes. People will suffer even if they succeed, Koto-chan. It's not avoiding their pain by denying your own growth that will do it. If you want to lead, it's not by putting emphasis on the sacrifices, or the big decisions, it's being there with people when they're not there themselves.
You need to accept you won't ever be perfect, you know. That's okay, too. It's human. No one would expect it differently. I'm extremely unreliable, and look at me, saving the world left and right! Allow yourself to allow yourself.
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Can I say something stupid...? [she says finally, gazing out straight ahead with a sad little quirk to her lips.] I don't really know who I am, anymore. I mean... I lost a piece of what I thought I was myself, [and her hand goes to her chest again, where Pharos -- Death -- Ryoji -- had been nestled for years,] that turned out not to be me at all. I was so focused on helping everybody else that if I'm not doing that, I...
[She kind of shrugs and gives him a tired grin over her shoulder.]
I told you it was stupid.
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(there are words that he's never forgotten, when someone he thought was him was left behind where odasaku lied, motionless, breathless. he'd never be better - but helping others makes his world a little more beautiful.
so, there's the words that odasaku told him, the very last ones, and he sighs. if she notices, the smile on his face is awfully bittersweet, one that wants to reach what he can no longer hold.)
People live to save themselves. Give yourself time, patience, and try to do the things you think are right - for you. You'll see what a strong lady you'll become.
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[She draws her knees in and gazes out for a moment, just letting herself feel the cool breeze on her skin, the warmth of Dazai's hand on her back. She glances back at him and notes that smile, and-- well. Do what she wants to do?
She leans back and lets her head come to rest on his shoulder.]
I'll try.
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if it makes her feel any better...)
Osasaku told me that. People live to save themselves. It's good to pass it forward.
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[It's said more for Dazai's benefit that her own as she relaxes a little into his hold. It's comforting, being held; it's not something she's particularly used to, either, but not unwelcome at all.]
I mean it, though. I'll try my best.
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he isn't moving, however. if she wants to leave, she can, but he is starting to warm up to this.
usually, the kids he mentors want to punch him, or yell at him, or both. this is news.)
Good.