[She's quiet for a long few seconds, trying to decide what she wants to say.]
We... talked about some stuff. I really upset him, I think. I know he's not mad at me, he drew this-- [from her pajamas' pocket, she pulls out a slightly-wrinkled sticky note that says thanks with a drawing of a little dog's head,] But it was... a lot.
The note's cause I gave him some truffles, but he didn't want to hang out. I used to be able to just, you know, pull him into things... I'd hoped this would work like that, but he really didn't want to.
[Probably to anyone else, it just looked like normal resting Shinji face, but she could tell he didn't want to get involved. It had hurt a lot, knowing that by revealing that he wasn't dead, he felt... lost? Confused? Withdrawn? She doesn't know. Dazai had said to give him time, but it's hard.]
Anyway, I was upset about that, and Ken-kun's here now, too, and then all the stuff with Goro happened and-- I'm tired, Akira.
[He curls his arm around her shoulders and resumes petting her hair.]
Sometimes... People are just not in a good place to be around people they care about. I'm sure he'll come around. In the meantime-- you're allowed to rest, too.
[She grumbles, a little disgruntled noise that sounds suspiciously like,] not into the afternoon though [before sighing against his chest and clinging to the note loosely in her hand.]
I should've refused his stupid duel. It sounded like it was important to him, though...
[He chuckles, not unkindly, tipping his nose down into her hair.] Too late for that.
[A gusty sigh.] He's really got no idea how to... Do, most things, in a friendly way. Dueling you does mean he respects you, though. For as much sense as that makes.
[It's phrased as a question to give him the chance to prove her wrong, but it's given the conviction of a statement. His attitude makes it almost painfully clear, after all. But she huffs another humorless laugh and presses her chin into his chest once more.]
Dunno if I want to be respected by him if that's what it gets me. [A wan attempt at a joke, but it's there nonetheless. Her smile fades, and she gazes up at him a little more comtemplatively.]
[She's visibly chewing on that as she gazes up at Akira, trying to figure out how to put what she's thinking into words.]
I wonder if they're similar, [she says finally with a sigh, turning her head to pillow it more comfortably atop him.] Vengeance and Justice aren't that far apart, huh?
[Maybe that's troubling, considering she'd already told Akira that she'd known Ken when he was ten, but, you know. Just Persona things.]
[He makes an immediate face at that, like he's swallowed a bug, and looks down to her.] I only met Ken last night, are you saying he's like Goro? Like, crazy murder-obsessive fights for fun, like Goro?
[Definitely not! She makes a face of her own at the prospect, though... honestly, if Ken had gotten to Goro's age, would he have been...? No, no way. Ken's a good kid.]
But Ken-kun went through a lot when he was younger. Someone, [someone, deliberately not naming any names here,] killed his mom, so... he wanted revenge. It was more complicated than all that, please don't make me explain, but... I think he learned that wasn't the most important thing. You know? I wonder if Goro learned that lesson.
God, I was scared a second there. [His expression pinches at the mention of maternal loss, and he shakes his head.] Then..., yeah, they're actually very similar. I'm not..., Revenge was what was most important for Goro, but he lost his chance at it. So now he's just gotta... figure out what else to strive for.
[Yeah. She knows about that part, and her voice is soft and sad as she ventures that thought. Maybe she's wrong, but... Goro isn't her first social link. There are certain patterns she can follow, and his seems, if not broken, then incomplete in some way.]
He'll figure it out, [she adds, just as quietly.] He's stubborn like that.
[She shifts, wincing once again at the slight pressure it puts on her injured shoulder, and twines her fingers into his hair in an attempt to get him to look at her.]
He's here right now, isn't he? Even if there's nothing for him to go back to, he has the power to make his own decisions right now. Maybe you have to be the one to show him that it's worth it.
My whole team thought we were gonna die fighting Nyx. We all had to come to terms with our own inevitable deaths.
[Maybe this will just upset Akira more, but after what she'd gotten into with Akechi, after her potential misstep with Shinji, it feels all the more relevant to say.]
All of us decided... we had to live for the future. Even if we'd never see it, we had to make the most of the time we had. Maybe he just doesn't know there's a point to it for him yet. Living in the moment, I mean.
[It does-- he really doesn't like frivolous talk of death. So he slips carefully out from under her, mindful of her shoulder, and sits up, shoulders stiff. He doesn't look at her, but his tone isn't harsh.]
If you're only living in the moment because of the inevitability of death it doesn't really seem like you're living at all.
[She stays where she is, brows furrowing a little as she looks up at him. His journey had been a lot different from hers, she knew this, but she's starting to realize just how different it really had been.]
[He just hums, curling his legs up and out of the sleeping back, holding them close to his body. He winds up looking startlingly small, for as tall as he is.]
I'm starting to think it's wrong of me to not like talking about death, from the way you and Akechi talk about it.
[It's a keen feeling of loss as he retreats, the hurt showing briefly in her eyes before she just buries her face back into her pillow again.]
Sorry.
[She should muster up a smile, tell him it's okay! Mentally, she spins the barrel of her Personas, even though she knows there's no one from the Fool arcana that can tell her what the right thing is to say. She settles on Messiah instead, the Persona created from the strength of her friends and the bond between herself, Orpheus, and Thanatos. It's not that the Judgement arcana can help here, but more that she just wants to feel something.
She should tell him it's okay, she's the weird one! But it feels like invalidating everything she and the others had gone through to say something like that.]
I don't think either of us are wrong, [she says finally, a little helplessly. Shinji, Goro, and now Akira... it feels like everybody's slipping through her fingers the harder she tries to hold onto them. At least she'd gotten all her tears out last night, probably.] I think... we've had really different experiences.
Sorry, [she mumbles again, keeping her face pressed into her pillow for a few seconds more before finally pushing herself up with her good arm to sit up. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes at all, but it's there, and that's a start, probably, even if her heart still aches weirdly with an emotion that isn't entirely her own.]
Thanks for coming to check on me. I should get up and check on the others.
[He gets it. He sees her forcing herself to bounce back, prioritizing other people over herself. He wants to let her lean on him, he really does, but... This whole death business is more than he can handle.] They'll be fine, if they've let you sleep in this late already they probably know you need to rest.
[She pauses, partway through the motion of tucking her leg under her to push herself to her feet. It's not like everyone's in danger at the moment, and it's not like they really need a leader like this, either, huh? She really could just sleep all day.
No. That's a bad train of thought to follow. She shakes her head and leans in, just enough to bonk her head lightly against his shoulder before crawling the rest of the way out of her sleeping bag.]
I'm hungry too. Breakfast is definitely cold, but I'll find myself some lunch.
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We... talked about some stuff. I really upset him, I think. I know he's not mad at me, he drew this-- [from her pajamas' pocket, she pulls out a slightly-wrinkled sticky note that says thanks with a drawing of a little dog's head,] But it was... a lot.
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Why do you think he's upset, but you know he's not mad?
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[Probably to anyone else, it just looked like normal resting Shinji face, but she could tell he didn't want to get involved. It had hurt a lot, knowing that by revealing that he wasn't dead, he felt... lost? Confused? Withdrawn? She doesn't know. Dazai had said to give him time, but it's hard.]
Anyway, I was upset about that, and Ken-kun's here now, too, and then all the stuff with Goro happened and-- I'm tired, Akira.
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Sometimes... People are just not in a good place to be around people they care about. I'm sure he'll come around. In the meantime-- you're allowed to rest, too.
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I should've refused his stupid duel. It sounded like it was important to him, though...
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[A gusty sigh.] He's really got no idea how to... Do, most things, in a friendly way. Dueling you does mean he respects you, though. For as much sense as that makes.
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[It's phrased as a question to give him the chance to prove her wrong, but it's given the conviction of a statement. His attitude makes it almost painfully clear, after all. But she huffs another humorless laugh and presses her chin into his chest once more.]
Dunno if I want to be respected by him if that's what it gets me. [A wan attempt at a joke, but it's there nonetheless. Her smile fades, and she gazes up at him a little more comtemplatively.]
You said he was the Justice for you, right?
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[He's still frowning when she looks up, and he lets his expression loosen when she does, nodding.] Mmn.
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[She's visibly chewing on that as she gazes up at Akira, trying to figure out how to put what she's thinking into words.]
I wonder if they're similar, [she says finally with a sigh, turning her head to pillow it more comfortably atop him.] Vengeance and Justice aren't that far apart, huh?
[Maybe that's troubling, considering she'd already told Akira that she'd known Ken when he was ten, but, you know. Just Persona things.]
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[Definitely not! She makes a face of her own at the prospect, though... honestly, if Ken had gotten to Goro's age, would he have been...? No, no way. Ken's a good kid.]
But Ken-kun went through a lot when he was younger. Someone, [someone, deliberately not naming any names here,] killed his mom, so... he wanted revenge. It was more complicated than all that, please don't make me explain, but... I think he learned that wasn't the most important thing. You know? I wonder if Goro learned that lesson.
[How was your Rank 10, buddy?]
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God, I was scared a second there. [His expression pinches at the mention of maternal loss, and he shakes his head.] Then..., yeah, they're actually very similar. I'm not..., Revenge was what was most important for Goro, but he lost his chance at it. So now he's just gotta... figure out what else to strive for.
[He's not talking about it, thanks.]
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[Yeah. She knows about that part, and her voice is soft and sad as she ventures that thought. Maybe she's wrong, but... Goro isn't her first social link. There are certain patterns she can follow, and his seems, if not broken, then incomplete in some way.]
He'll figure it out, [she adds, just as quietly.] He's stubborn like that.
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Can't figure anything out if he's dead.
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[She shifts, wincing once again at the slight pressure it puts on her injured shoulder, and twines her fingers into his hair in an attempt to get him to look at her.]
He's here right now, isn't he? Even if there's nothing for him to go back to, he has the power to make his own decisions right now. Maybe you have to be the one to show him that it's worth it.
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[Maybe this will just upset Akira more, but after what she'd gotten into with Akechi, after her potential misstep with Shinji, it feels all the more relevant to say.]
All of us decided... we had to live for the future. Even if we'd never see it, we had to make the most of the time we had. Maybe he just doesn't know there's a point to it for him yet. Living in the moment, I mean.
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If you're only living in the moment because of the inevitability of death it doesn't really seem like you're living at all.
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[She stays where she is, brows furrowing a little as she looks up at him. His journey had been a lot different from hers, she knew this, but she's starting to realize just how different it really had been.]
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I'm starting to think it's wrong of me to not like talking about death, from the way you and Akechi talk about it.
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Sorry.
[She should muster up a smile, tell him it's okay! Mentally, she spins the barrel of her Personas, even though she knows there's no one from the Fool arcana that can tell her what the right thing is to say. She settles on Messiah instead, the Persona created from the strength of her friends and the bond between herself, Orpheus, and Thanatos. It's not that the Judgement arcana can help here, but more that she just wants to feel something.
She should tell him it's okay, she's the weird one! But it feels like invalidating everything she and the others had gone through to say something like that.]
I don't think either of us are wrong, [she says finally, a little helplessly. Shinji, Goro, and now Akira... it feels like everybody's slipping through her fingers the harder she tries to hold onto them. At least she'd gotten all her tears out last night, probably.] I think... we've had really different experiences.
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'm not upset with you. I just don't like talking about it.
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Thanks for coming to check on me. I should get up and check on the others.
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[He gets it. He sees her forcing herself to bounce back, prioritizing other people over herself. He wants to let her lean on him, he really does, but... This whole death business is more than he can handle.] They'll be fine, if they've let you sleep in this late already they probably know you need to rest.
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No. That's a bad train of thought to follow. She shakes her head and leans in, just enough to bonk her head lightly against his shoulder before crawling the rest of the way out of her sleeping bag.]
I'm hungry too. Breakfast is definitely cold, but I'll find myself some lunch.
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