[Does he want to try? That is the six million yen question, isn't it.
But the second question-- it draws a humorless laugh from him.] Me? Join the agency? If Dazai and I didn't kill each other first, Mori would.
[And maybe it says something awful about how damaged Chuuya is, that he can accept that logic from a man he offers his loyalty. But this is the same man who loves Dazai after everything he's put him through.] Dazai is the only person in the world we know of who can put a lid on Corruption. We're known as 'double black' by people in the underworld because between the two of us, we've decimated entire organizations overnight. I can mow down armies, when I'm in that state. We're.... a little too powerful, basically.
[Kill Mori first, she thinks, but doesn't say. Maybe she's been spending too much time around Dazai and Goro if she's thinking that way, but she can't help it. It's a nasty, ugly thought, but she still thinks it's accurate.
She taps her foot against his side again.]
What do you want to do, Chuuya? [It's a simple question, repeated plainly. He can still dodge it, but it's harder, and they'll both know he's doing it. She's no Dazai, but she's dodged more than enough questions in her time to recognize when someone else does it.]
[Chuuya... wilts a little in place. Because Kotone's too smart for him to dodge around this too much. He's doing her a disservice by trying anyway.]
The Mafia is my family. I owe them everything. I'd die to protect the people there. But... Dazai is....
[How to encapsulate what Dazai Osamu is to him? His partner. The other half of his soul. The eternal pain in his ass, who knows how to rile him like no one else. A man who makes him feel whole just by existing. Someone he didn't think he'd be able to survive losing to his persistent courtship with death. Not in the ways that mattered.] Even if he's the most infuriating asshole in the world, even if we forget everything that's happened here when we get home, even if it's stupid to even feel like this... I love him. Stupidest thing I've ever done, I know. But since when did feelings make sense?
[He lets out a bark of laughter.] But you wanna know what the worst part is?
[Her eyebrows quirk. It's not that she's surprised to hear the depth of emotion Chuuya feels for him -- honestly, she's known for a while -- but it's that he was able to admit it to her. She can't help but hum a little doubtfully when he says it's the stupidest thing he's ever done, as if to wordlessly say are you sure? because she can imagine Chuuya doing a lot of dumb things.
But, still. It's a big step for him to admit out loud, even to himself. She's certain of it. If he ever has to make a choice between Dazai and the Mafia... it kind of sounds like he's already made it.]
What's the worst part?
[She doesn't kick him this time, but just leans against him.]
[That laugh trails off into something slightly hysterical, slightly infuriated. Kotone should probably strap in, because--]
He loves me, too.
[How... is that the worst part? Well--] Told me himself... when we were fucking fifteen and literally just met. He's been saying all this time he'd already told me how he feels, and it was all the way back then!!! Any sane person would think he was being a dipshit and joking!!!
[Dazai....] I swear, he can't say anything like a normal person!!! I tried to kill him! I didn't even know what love was back then and the fucker just....! Ugh!!!
[He angrily chews his pizza crust flopping back against the counter like a sulky teen himself.] Just... who even does that!!!
[She somehow manages not to laugh, even though Chuuya is reminding her of her high school friends right now. Honestly, it's kind of good for him to act like that, she thinks! It's not like he got the chance when he was younger!
As stupid as it sounds on the surface, she gets it, though. It's scary to have these kinds of sudden realizations, even if Chuuya's reaction is admittedly super funny.]
He's probably the only person who can be a dipshit, joking, and totally serious, all at the same time! [she points out with a little laugh, nudging his shoulder. C'mon, buddy, your frustration is valid, even if it's hilarious.]
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But the second question-- it draws a humorless laugh from him.] Me? Join the agency? If Dazai and I didn't kill each other first, Mori would.
[And maybe it says something awful about how damaged Chuuya is, that he can accept that logic from a man he offers his loyalty. But this is the same man who loves Dazai after everything he's put him through.] Dazai is the only person in the world we know of who can put a lid on Corruption. We're known as 'double black' by people in the underworld because between the two of us, we've decimated entire organizations overnight. I can mow down armies, when I'm in that state. We're.... a little too powerful, basically.
[He sighs, chewing sullenly on his pizza crust.]
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She taps her foot against his side again.]
What do you want to do, Chuuya? [It's a simple question, repeated plainly. He can still dodge it, but it's harder, and they'll both know he's doing it. She's no Dazai, but she's dodged more than enough questions in her time to recognize when someone else does it.]
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The Mafia is my family. I owe them everything. I'd die to protect the people there. But... Dazai is....
[How to encapsulate what Dazai Osamu is to him? His partner. The other half of his soul. The eternal pain in his ass, who knows how to rile him like no one else. A man who makes him feel whole just by existing. Someone he didn't think he'd be able to survive losing to his persistent courtship with death. Not in the ways that mattered.] Even if he's the most infuriating asshole in the world, even if we forget everything that's happened here when we get home, even if it's stupid to even feel like this... I love him. Stupidest thing I've ever done, I know. But since when did feelings make sense?
[He lets out a bark of laughter.] But you wanna know what the worst part is?
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But, still. It's a big step for him to admit out loud, even to himself. She's certain of it. If he ever has to make a choice between Dazai and the Mafia... it kind of sounds like he's already made it.]
What's the worst part?
[She doesn't kick him this time, but just leans against him.]
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He loves me, too.
[How... is that the worst part? Well--] Told me himself... when we were fucking fifteen and literally just met. He's been saying all this time he'd already told me how he feels, and it was all the way back then!!! Any sane person would think he was being a dipshit and joking!!!
[Dazai....] I swear, he can't say anything like a normal person!!! I tried to kill him! I didn't even know what love was back then and the fucker just....! Ugh!!!
[He angrily chews his pizza crust flopping back against the counter like a sulky teen himself.] Just... who even does that!!!
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As stupid as it sounds on the surface, she gets it, though. It's scary to have these kinds of sudden realizations, even if Chuuya's reaction is admittedly super funny.]
He's probably the only person who can be a dipshit, joking, and totally serious, all at the same time! [she points out with a little laugh, nudging his shoulder. C'mon, buddy, your frustration is valid, even if it's hilarious.]
You'll get him back somehow, I'm sure.